One of the most fulfilling parts of a relationship is feeling like your partner really listens to you. This goes beyond simply hearing. It’s easy to talk and be heard, but it takes a higher level of awareness to really listen—to comprehend, analyze, and evaluate –while your partner is sharing their thoughts, opinions, and feelings. Really listening and responding to your partner brings a level of social intimacy that is deeply satisfying.

It’s no wonder that communication issues are the number one reason for divorce.  In 2013, YourTango.com polled one hundred mental health professionals about why divorce happens. Bad communication topped the list at 63%, beating out both finances and infidelity.

Is there anything we can do to avoid becoming part of the 63%? Yes. There’s one method that virtually bulletproofs the communication aspect of the relationship. It’s called Activing Listening. It uses certain social ques that encourage acceptance, validation, and trust that nurtures mutual respect—the foundation of any thriving relationship.

Active Listening may feel a little rehearsed to you when you first begin to practice. But after about a month it’ll come natural to you. Once you’re consistently comfortable with it you can easily adapt the concept to what feels most natural while still retaining the foundational aspects of Active Listening that make it so powerful.

What is Active Listening?

How well do we listen to our partners? While some are better listeners than others, I’m willing to bet the majority of us only hear what we want to hear in the average conversation. Sometimes we even assume what our partner is saying. Active Listening takes all that out of the equation. It eliminates the bias and helps us to become genuinely interested in what our partners have to say.

There are three main components to Active Listening: Sensing, Evaluating, and responding. You accomplish these main components by first giving the person your undivided attention through body language (i.e., stopping what you are doing and frequently making eye contact). You then paraphrase or summarize (through questions or statements) the other person’s part of the conversation to show you are comprehending what they are saying. Finally, you want to express the emotions that the other person is either putting into words or trying to put into words, which brings a certain validation to the table. It’s important to note that you don’t have to agree with what they are saying. The point of Active Listening is not to agree or disagree. It’s to show your partner that you have not just heard them, but that you are truly listening.

To better understand the process, let’s use an imaginary, but potentially typical conversation between couples. Then we’ll break that sample conversation down to see the individual components of Active Listening at play.

Let’s say a wife (we’ll call her Jennifer) comes home from work after a stressful day. She’s a teacher. She had some discipline problems that overwhelmed her, and she wants to vent. So she does what any natural person would do; she goes to someone who will listen and give her some validation about her feelings. In this case, she’ll go to her husband (We’ll call him Mike). In the example below, Mike will play the part of the active listener. He will use both verbal and non-verbal ques to let Jennifer know that he is actively paying attention to what she says. She has just walked in the door after leaving her job as a teacher.

Active Listening at Play

Jennifer: Oh my God! I had the most stressful day!

Mike: What happened? (Mike instantly stops writing the check to the mortgage company and gives her his full attention by walking over to the kitchen counter where she has just laid down her keys, purse, and school bag).

Jennifer: I got nowhere with my reading lesson because my students wouldn’t settle down or listen.

Mike: Hmm. So no one was paying attention to you?

Jennifer: Yes. It’s like I was teaching to a brick wall.

Mike: Yikes. Was it all of your students, or were there certain ones causing all the trouble?

Jennifer: So…little Robby was the ringleader. Again! He didn’t take his ADHD medication and you could tell as soon as he walked into the room. He began interrupting all the students around him.

Mike: So you’re saying that because Robby wasn’t on his medication, he distracted the entire class?

Jennifer: Yep! I don’t understand why his mom forgets to give it to him in the morning. Sometimes I wonder if there is any routine in that house before school.

Mike: Sounds like Robby doesn’t take his medication quite a bit.

Jennifer: At least once or twice a week!

(Mike nods and continues frequent eye contact. He waits to see if there is any other details Jennifer wants to share).

Jennifer: I’m so tired of Robby continually taking away from the other students. I mean…I know it’s not all his fault. I mostly blame his mother for not being more responsible. But I also believe Robby uses the fact that he sometimes doesn’t get his medication as an excuse to misbehave.

Mike: Ah. So you mean that even though Robby might have ADHD, he still has the ability to control himself enough not to be a distraction to others.

Jennifer: Exactly! It’s such a mess. It’s not fair to the other kids.

(Mike sighs along with her. He can tell she’s not done venting. He patiently waits for her to share more).

 Jennifer: I’ve tried to call his mom several times, but she insists each time that she will not forget anymore. And it keeps happening. I’ve been to the principal, who has also talked to Robby’s mom, but to no avail. I don’t know what to do anymore.

Mike: That really sucks, Babe. It does seem to be a little overwhelming.

Jennifer: God, it is. Instead of teaching, I’m constantly calling Robby out. Disciplining him doesn’t seem to help. Next time it happens I’ll try something else. I’m not sure what yet. I don’t know. But there’s got to be something I can do to make sure the other kids can listen to my lesson without being so distracted.

Mike: Yeah, sounds like you need a completely new strategy besides the usual disciplinary action. I wish I could give you the right advice.

Jennifer: No. I’m not looking for advice. I just needed to vent a little. I know I’ll figure something out. But…you know, thanks for listening anyways. Like I said, I just needed to vent.

Mike: Of course, Babe. I don’t think I could handle teaching myself. I wouldn’t have the patience for it. But I know how resourceful you are. You’ll think of something. (Mike smiles to let her know he understands the reason for her wanting to vent).

Jennifer: You’re right. Let’s just forget it. I don’t want to talk about it anymore. I feel better now. How about we cook something and enjoy a few glasses of wine together?

Mike: Perfect. I bet that’ll help you destress even more.

(Mike grabs the bottle of wine, pours two glasses, and smiles while he hands her one).

Jennifer: Thanks. How was your day?

The above example is pretty generic and most conversations would probably go a little longer, but it gives you a good idea of how Activing Listening is supposed to work. Let’s break down the conversation between Mike and Jennifer to see where Mike was using his Active Listening skills to show Jennifer that he was really listening instead of hearing.

Right from the bat, Mike asked what happened, but most importantly he stopped doing the bills and gave Jennifer his undivided attention when he saw she really needed to talk. The active listener cannot be distracted. His or her body language should suggest that he is giving his undivided attention.

Jennifer explains what’s bothering her. Mike then replies:

Mike: Hmm. So you mean that no one was paying attention to you?

Here Mike is summarizing what she stated the problem was to confirm to Jennifer that he is actively involved. He then asks if it is the entire class, or certain individuals being disruptive. The point is, they were both relevant questions that showed Jennifer he was genuinely interested in hearing about it. More importantly, that he understood. This further invites Jennifer to share more details. Jennifer finally zeros in on the real problem by explaining Robby hasn’t had his ADHD medication. Their conversation continued as thus:

Mike: So you’re saying that because Robby wasn’t on his medication, he distracted the entire class?

Jennifer: Yep! I don’t understand why his mom forgets to give it to him in the morning. Sometimes I wonder if there is any routine in that house before school.

Mike: Sounds like Robby doesn’t take his medication quite a bit.

Jennifer: At least once or twice a week!

(Mike nods and continues frequent eye contact. He waits to see if there is any other details Jennifer wants to share).

Again, Mike’s responses show that he is continuing to use the second component of Active Listening (paraphrasing / summarizing) to show he is interested and comprehending what Jennifer is saying. Notice how he also continues to use the first component of Active Listening (body language: nodding and frequent eye contact). Let’s look at more examples:

Jennifer: I’m so tired of Robby continually taking away from the other students. I mean…I know it’s not all his fault. I mostly blame his mother for not being more responsible. But I also believe Robby uses the fact that he sometimes doesn’t get his medication as an excuse to misbehave.

Mike: Ah. So you mean that even though Robby might have ADHD, he still has the ability to control himself enough not to be a distraction to others.

Jennifer: Exactly! It’s such a mess. It’s not fair to the other kids.

(Mike sighs along with her. He can tell she’s not done venting. He patiently waits for her to share more).

 Jennifer: I’ve tried to call his mom several times, but she insists each time that she will not forget anymore. And it keeps happening. I’ve been to the principal, who has also talked to the Robby’s mom, but to no avail. I don’t know what to do anymore.

Mike: That really sucks, Babe. It does seem to be a little overwhelming.

In the examples above Mike is now incorporating all three components of Active Listening. The first two we have already discussed in detail, but in the bottom line he also is validating her feelings through mirroring the emotion she is feeling with his own words (I believe this step is especially crucial with couples who wish to bulletproof their communication skills for a thriving relationship). Mike continues using all three components intermittently throughout the rest of the conversation until Jennifer decides that she doesn’t need to talk about it anymore. The rest of the conversation is copy and pasted below for your convenience.

Jennifer: God, it is. Instead of teaching, I’m constantly calling Robby out. Disciplining him doesn’t seem to help. Next time it happens I’ll try something else. I’m not sure what yet. I don’t know. But there’s got to be something I can do to make sure the other kids can listen to my lesson without being so distracted.

Mike: Yeah, sounds like you need a completely new strategy besides the usual disciplinary action. I wish I could give you the right advice.

Jennifer: No. I’m not looking for advice. I just needed to vent a little. I know I’ll figure something out. But…you know, thanks for listening anyways. Like I said, I just needed to vent.

Mike: Of course, Babe. I don’t think I could handle teaching myself. I wouldn’t have the patience for it. But I know how resourceful you are. You’ll think of something. (Mike smiles to let her know he understands the reason for her wanting to vent).

Jennifer: You’re right. Let’s just forget it. I don’t want to talk about it anymore. I feel better now. How about we cook something and enjoy a few glasses of wine together?

Mike: Perfect. I bet that’ll help you de-stress even more.

(Mike grabs the bottle of wine, pours two glasses, and smiles while he hands her one).

Jennifer: Thanks. How was your day?

As you can see, everything ended on a positive note and now Jennifer feels like her feelings and opinions are listened to, accepted, and validated.

Conclusion

Since communication problems are the biggest reason for divorce, it makes sense that couples who want to stay together do something to improve their communication. Active Listening is the perfect place to start. As I have already stated, it will seem a little rehearsed to at first. At least this was my experience, but after a little practice it actually began to seem natural. I didn’t have to concentrate on making sure I incorporated all three components. I began to do it without even thinking about it. It’s become a skill that I try to incorporate with my kids, my coworkers, my family members, my friends, and with my partner.

Once this skill becomes more natural to you, you’ll notice your romantic partner responding to you in very positive ways. Not only does Active Listening stave off communication problems, but I’ve found that the benefits it provides spill over into other areas of the relationship, such as better sex. He or she will automatically feel more connected. Give it a try and see what happens. You might be surprised.