I'll be your Trump Trial Tour guide today. First off, make sure you've purchased your tickets in advance for all the locations on this nationwide Tour of the country's court houses. All proceeds will go directly into Trump's coffers.

As you know we're offering save spaces across from the nation's court houses that Trump will be visiting on a rotating basis the rest of the year.

In addition, there will be street vendors offering Trump merchandize from gold sneakers (now 50% off at all tour sites), Trump trading cards, and clothing with Trump's orange mug peeking out from behind bars with the saying, "Never Surrender."

Also, just a gentle reminder, there's no refunds if you can't attend due to the weather - like a 100-year blizzard, or you get arrested for rioting. However, the organizers will provide legal assistance at a Special Tour price. All proceeds go to Trump's coffers. 

For your convivence the Trump Tour Association has chartered a Trump train that will have stops at all of Trump's court appearances. Fees will vary from state to state. All proceeds will go to Trump's coffers.

I can promise you will enjoy numerous personal sightings of Trump as he shambles in and out of court rooms. Don't be surprised if there's a bonus rant - especially if he gets convicted of some ruling goes against him.

Consider this, most Americans aren't going to have the opportunities you have to follow around the second coming of Jesus Christ. Orange Jesus, as Trump's referred to by loyal minions like yourselves.

By the end of this tour, you'll be able to share memories with friends and family who'll be wondering why you don't have any money and why you have to keep making so many personal court appearances.

As it Stands, "Gullibility is a knife at the throat of civilization," - David Wong.