There are some things in life that make you question everything you know about democracy, common sense, and basic human decency. And then there’s Donald Trump’s 2024 Get-Out-The-Vote plan.

Let’s get this straight: A guy who’s as familiar with intricacies of voting as I am with quantum physics is expected to spearhead a respectable get-out-the-vote campaign. It is so absurd it sounds like a fever dream concocted by Salvador Dalí and Hunter S. Thompson on a week-long acid bender.

Imagine Trump, the same mastermind who suggested injecting disinfectant to combat COVID, now convincing people to exercise their right to vote. It’s like hiring Count Dracula to run the Red Cross blood drive. Every word he utters should come with a life preserver because you know you’re about to dive deep into an ocean of insanity.

So what’s this genius plan of his, you ask? Brace yourself. Trump has decided he’s going to get Americans out to vote by… throwing spaghetti at the wall to see what sticks! That’s right, the former president is employing a “throw everything at it, see what works” approach because why not? Elections, after all, are just like Sunday family dinners at Olive Garden.

His strategy is akin to inviting a pyromaniac to extinguish a fire. Here’s a guy who couldn’t find subtlety in a “Where’s Waldo?” book, yet he’s persuading folks to dart to the polls like it’s the end of a Scooby-Doo chase scene. I mean, it’s not exactly inspiring the next MLK, is it?

Picture this: Trump rallies suddenly transforming into WWE matches. There’s The Donald, in a sequined leotard, throwing democracy-chairs at skeptical voters, while his cronies, dressed as the Ghostbusters, chant Go Vote or Else! Nothing says ‘freedom’ quite like a wrestling menace in a hairspray halo volleying conviction your way.

Let’s take a wild guess at one of the brilliant tactics from the campaign. The Donald has decided to target the true heroes of American society: the miniscule niche of conspiracy theorists who spend more time in basements than basements do. His slogan – because elections are just marketing campaigns now – might as well be Vote Trump: Because Bigfoot Said So.

The best part? The man whose relationship with facts rivals that of oil and water is reportedly investing in misinformation to get folks, specifically seniors, to vote. Yes, the very demographic who still wonders if email is some newfangled telegraph experiment. It’s like asking a fish to join a knitting club.

This grand scheme also involves canvassing in neighborhoods where Trump’s approval rating hovers around the same level as unredeemed Nickelback concert tickets. The only appropriate image here is a door-to-door salesman with a suitcase full of dynamite trying to sell insurance for your house. Doesn’t get any more ‘strategic’ than that, right?

Let’s not forget the outreach team. By team, I mean a ragtag group of flag-waving, slogan-chanting diehards who believe Trump could walk on water but can’t quite grasp the concept of spelling. At this rate, we might see rallies held in Chuck E. Cheese basements with audience members who still wholeheartedly believe in the tooth fairy.

Trump’s strategy also calls for spreading his message through every possible medium. Picture this: short TikTok snippets of Trump attempting ‘viral’ dances to somehow convince Generation Z to head to the polls. “Voting is like my dance moves,” he’ll say, flailing his arms like a windmill, “Unpredictably disastrous!”

Does he think folks are so entertained by his antics that they’ll rush to vote just to keep the circus going? Apparently, he’s not aiming for respect, just entertainment value. The Trump Show, now with added voter pamphlets!

It truly seems that the entire plan was cooked up in a Big Brother house after a week-long red-eye bender. How do they plan on targeting the elusive millennial voter? Snapchat filters suggesting, ‘Tap to see Trump as a cat!’ Real cutting-edge tech there, Donnie.

Let’s not forget his legendary public speaking prowess. The man’s meltdowns make microwave lasagnas look patient by comparison. There’s something uniquely hilarious about Trump holding a ‘Get Out the Vote’ sign upside down while babbling incoherently about how tremendous the turnouts are going to be. If cringe were a currency, Trump would be Elon Musk.

But hey, maybe he’s onto something. Backwards is forwards! Sunsets are sunrises! Who knows what reality he’s living in, but it’s surely one where unicorns vote straight down the ticket.

Joseph Stalin once said, It’s not the people who vote that count, it’s the people who count the votes. Now sprinkle a Donald sensibility over that mindset and you get something far more troubling. “It doesn’t matter who wins, as long as the loser keeps dancing.”

What’s next on his grand agenda? With Trump as captain, this get-out-the-vote plan is likely to involve bear traps, interpretive dance, and possibly trained seagulls. When you take a step back and consider Trump’s plans, you realize they’re nothing short of writing Mad Libs on a roller-coaster.

Here’s the most infuriating bid: our democracy deserves reverence. Instead, it often feels like we’ve been handed a democracy piñata, and Trump’s there with a club shouting, “Hit harder!” Except it’s filled with soggy cheeseburgers and old casinos.

At this point, all we can do is ensure we vote, for real. Because if watching Mr. ‘Reality TV Peacekeeper’ orchestrate a voting campaign doesn’t make you want to rush out and make sure he fails miserably, I don’t know what will. So buckle up, grab your ballots, and let’s turn this circus back into a library.

Source: Donald Trump’s Get-Out-The-Vote Plan is Bonkers

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