I can’t be the only one who read that headline and thought, isn’t that the whole point of being a university leader? Long, complex summers? Is that supposed to be news? These folks are in academia! It’s not like they spend their summers boning up on frozen margarita recipes and poolside tanning tips. They wouldn’t know a pool if it smacked them on the head with a floating noodle.

So why are university bigwigs panicking this summer? Buckle up, because we’re diving into the rabbit hole of campus protests and congressional hearings. Ah yes, two things we can always count on: students screaming about stuff and politicians pretending to care.

Apparently, some colleges are grappling with antisemitism on campus. That’s right, we’ve reached the point where even students can’t stand the sight of each other. You’d think they’d save their rage for missing Wi-Fi or the cafeteria’s mystery meat. But no, antisemitism is what’s brewing. And it’s spreading faster than a rumor in a freshman dorm.

So what are these universities doing? Some squabble among themselves like caffeinated ferrets in a pillow fort. Others try to organize events where everyone holds hands and sings kumbaya. Spoiler alert: The kumbaya doesn’t work. Nothing like a good old-fashioned protest to spice things up. And who doesn’t love a good protest? Everybody gets pamphlets, maybe a catchy chant, and the eagerness of creating “change.” Because we all know change happens when you hold up a sign that says “Stop Being Mean!”

The hearing about antisemitism even caught the attention of Congress. That’s right, the same Congress that works at the speed of an elderly turtle on a leisurely stroll. They were like, we’ll just add this to our list of very important things to yell at each other about.

Universities now have to navigate this minefield while continuing to provide education. It’s like trying to teach someone to waltz in a room full of Lego bricks. Good luck.

Meanwhile, the students think they’re activists. I mean, sure, they’re passionate, but let’s keep it real for a second. The same kids who can’t remember to shower on a regular basis are out there thinking they’ll solve discrimination. Ah yes, freedom fighters who can’t distinguish between shampoo and body wash.

This is happening while university leaders try to maintain decorum. Fun fact: Nothing screams decorum like 20-year-olds waving placards and chanting catchy slogans. Why haven’t we seen that on the brochures?

University presidents love to act like they’ve got it all under control. Like, yes, thank you for your concern, we will address it. Excuse me, but I smelled smoke, and you’re waving your hands around pretending it’s just a candle.

And let’s not forget the media. Oh boy, the media covers these things like they’ve found Bigfoot holding hands with a chupacabra. They’re either glorifying the students or demonizing the administration. Meanwhile, the rest of us watch this circus with a bucket of popcorn, laughing until soda shoots out of our noses.

When exactly did college turn into a chaotic reality show? You’ve got protests, congressional hearings, and administrators running around spraying the figurative fire extinguisher in every which direction. It used to be that the biggest problem at universities was figuring out how to sneak a keg into the dorm. Now, we’ve got episodes with catchy titles like Protests Against Hate.

Congressional hearings? Oh yeah, because those are known for being so effective. It’s like inviting a pack of wolves to lecture on vegetarianism. These folks can’t pass a bedtime story, let alone tackle such a delicate issue as antisemitism on campus. Sure, let’s get Congress involved. Maybe they can solve the mystery of college tuition–I mean, how hard could that be?

You think that’s the end of it? These campuses are also funhouses of every other problem imaginable—racism, sexism, you name it. It’s like a buffet of social justice issues, and each one is serving bad clam chowder. The problem is no one wants to step back and actually address these problems head-on. They’d rather just put a band-aid on a shark bite and call it a day.

And don’t even get me started on the university meetings. They’ll gather all these leaders in a room, throw around jargon like deep dive and strategize, while someone in the corner furiously types notes nobody’s ever going to read.

At some point, colleges just turn into overgrown kindergartens. We’ve got students finger-painting signs, university presidents performing outrage karaoke, and Congress trying to referee like underqualified gym teachers. And despite all this, some still think university is an “investment.”

In the end, the most they’ll probably achieve is a commitment to form several committees. And if there’s one thing universities know how to do well, it’s form committees. You can practically see the brochure now: Come for the Education, Stay for the Committees!

So what’s the grand plan to fix this? Well, if you ask me, launching the university into space might be a good start. At least then the screams would be muffled by the vacuum of space. Alright, maybe that’s a bit extreme. But let’s be real, fixing this mess is gonna take more than a few meetings and a couple of strongly-worded emails.

Here’s hoping this long, complex summer doesn’t end up just like the previous ones. Spoiler alert: It’s gonna. Because if there’s one thing universities excel at beside issuing diplomas, it’s maintaining the same level of chaos year after year. And if that’s too harsh for you, I hear there’s an opening in one of those committees. Good luck!

Source: University Leaders Face a Long, Complex Summer

The post University Summer: 99 Problems and Antisemitism is Just One first appeared on DEMOCRAWONK.