When I woke up this morning, I thought, “What’s better than a cup of rage-inducing hypocrisy with my coffee?” Turns out, business groups have gone ahead and sued the Federal Trade Commission (FTC) because the FTC had the audacity, the sheer nerve, to suggest banning noncompete agreements. That’s right, ladies and gents, in today’s episode of capitalists hating capitalism, we explore how these loving, free market endorsers suddenly turn tail when it’s about keeping their own employees in invisible shackles.
The Breakdown
- Profit Over Personnel: A Limitless Tale
- Remember, folks, when your boss says “team player,” they mean “our player.” The lawsuit argues that noncompete clauses help businesses “maintain their competitive edge.” You know, because nothing screams competition like legally barring your workforce from working elsewhere.
- Remember, folks, when your boss says “team player,” they mean “our player.” The lawsuit argues that noncompete clauses help businesses “maintain their competitive edge.” You know, because nothing screams competition like legally barring your workforce from working elsewhere.
- Innovation or Intimidation?
- Ah, the sweet smell of stifling innovation through fear! Business advocates claim noncompetes spur innovation by protecting secrets. Because who wouldn’t want to innovate under the shadow of a lawsuit?
- Ah, the sweet smell of stifling innovation through fear! Business advocates claim noncompetes spur innovation by protecting secrets. Because who wouldn’t want to innovate under the shadow of a lawsuit?
- One Big, Happy, Imprisoned Family
- The funniest part? These businesses believe noncompetes enhance “employee relationships.” Nothing builds a relationship like mutual resentment and the feeling of being trapped, right?
- The funniest part? These businesses believe noncompetes enhance “employee relationships.” Nothing builds a relationship like mutual resentment and the feeling of being trapped, right?
- Training Day: Hostage Edition
- Here’s a gem: Companies claim they invest in employee training, so noncompetes are needed as reimbursement assurance. Let’s ignore that maybe, just maybe, people would stick around if treated well.
- Here’s a gem: Companies claim they invest in employee training, so noncompetes are needed as reimbursement assurance. Let’s ignore that maybe, just maybe, people would stick around if treated well.
- Economic Growth, but Just for the Top Dogs
- Lastly, noncompetes allegedly boost economic growth. Yes, in the same way that hoarding all your toys boosts sibling relations.
- Lastly, noncompetes allegedly boost economic growth. Yes, in the same way that hoarding all your toys boosts sibling relations.
The Counter
- The “Spirit of Free Enterprise”
- Free enterprise, unless it’s the enterprise of your employees trying to freely find a better job. Can’t have that in the land of the—you know—free.
- Free enterprise, unless it’s the enterprise of your employees trying to freely find a better job. Can’t have that in the land of the—you know—free.
- Corporate America: The Unexpected Underdog
- Let’s all shed a tear for Corporate America. They’re just misunderstood heroes, champions of worker oppression—I mean, prosperity.
- Let’s all shed a tear for Corporate America. They’re just misunderstood heroes, champions of worker oppression—I mean, prosperity.
- “Secrets” That Everybody Knows
- These critical trade secrets protected by noncompetes? Half the time, it’s just the secret recipe for ice in the cafeteria. Real high-stakes stuff.
- These critical trade secrets protected by noncompetes? Half the time, it’s just the secret recipe for ice in the cafeteria. Real high-stakes stuff.
- Overestimating Loyalty Purchasing
- News flash: people generally work harder if they like where they’re working. Loyalty isn’t bought with contracts; it’s earned with respect. Groundbreaking, I know.
- News flash: people generally work harder if they like where they’re working. Loyalty isn’t bought with contracts; it’s earned with respect. Groundbreaking, I know.
- Free Market, Except for Labor
- Remember, the market is only free when it benefits the top. When it’s about labor having freedom, well, that market needs to be chained down, clearly.
- Remember, the market is only free when it benefits the top. When it’s about labor having freedom, well, that market needs to be chained down, clearly.
The Hot Take
In conclusion, it’s clear we’re just misunderstanding the benevolent intentions of these mall overlords. Clearly, competition is only healthy until it walks out your business door and tries to get a job next door. The solution? Maybe—just maybe—we should treat employees like humans instead of assets. Respect, reasonable wages, maybe a pinch of gratitude? Too liberal? Nah, just humane.
Maybe then, instead of chaining down talent out of fear, businesses could actually thrive by attracting talent through, I don’t know, being a place people actually want to work. Wild idea, but it could just work. After all, isn’t that what that old capitalism fairy tale is all about?
So, here we are, spinning in the merry-go-round of Corporate irony, where advocating for freedom means advocating for as little of it as possible, at least for the working folks.
Source: Business groups sue FTC over noncompete ban
The post Great Chains of Fire: How Noncompetes Are Fuelling the New Corporate Feudal System first appeared on DEMOCRAWONK.
