MY WIFE AND I WERE TALKING ABOUT WOMEN WHO PURPOSELY TRUMP AND LET IT RIP Whilst IN COMPANY OR WITH THEIR OTHER HALVES ETC.
MYRA TOLD ME A VERY INTERESTING FACT WHILST WE WERE DEEP IN CONVERSATION. SHE STATED THAT WHEN SHE FIRST MET ME SHE WOULD LIGHT A CIGGIE UP AND GO TO THE BACK DOOR TO SMOKE IT AND LET RIP IN THE FRESH AIR. BUT I REVEALED A SECRET BECAUSE WHILST SHE THOUGHT SHE WAS BEING POLITE AND SNEAKY... THE DOGS IN THE YARD WOULD RUN BACK IN THE HOUSE AFTER SHE BROKE WIND. IT WAS A DEAD GIVEAWAY.
THERE WAS ONCE A GUY FROM ENGLAND WHO DIED AFTER HOLDING IN HIS Fart IN CHURCH... A TRUE STORY IT IS EVEN TO THE POINT THAT ON HIS GRAVESTONE IT SAYS... LET THY WIND BLOW FREE WHEREVER YOU MAY BE... IF IN CHURCH OR CHAPEL LET IT RATTLE.
WE CAN'T AFFORD A FART TRAP BUT MYRA SAID THE NEXT BEST THING IS THE TRIPLE LAYER COVID MASKS BECAUSE EVERY TIME I SHOVE HER HEAD UNDER THE DUVET COVER... SHE IS FULLY PROTECTED FROM THE SCOTTISH ''GAS'' PIPE. IS RIGHT... I KNOW SOME OF YOU WILL BE SHOCKED AT THIS POST BUT WE HAVE ALL BEEN IN A SITUATION WERE OUR DIGESTIVE SYSTEM HAS LET US DOWN AT SOME POINT. THE OTHER DAY I DROPPED SOME COINS ON THE FLOOR IN THE LOCAL STORE AND WHILST BENDING DOWN I RELEASED A NOISE THAT MADE THE SHELVING SHAKE. THERE WAS NO POINT DENYING IT IN THE BUSY SHOP AS WE DON'T SUFFER EARTHQUAKES HERE SO I APOLOGISED TO THOSE IN THE QUEUE AND SAID... I AM SORRY.. PLEASE EXCUSE THE TUNE MY GAS PIPE HAS JUST PLAYED. BUT MY WIFE MADE A VALID POINT AND SAID... WHY THE HELL DID YOU APOLOGISE? THE FOLKS ARE ALL WEARING COVID MASKS SO THEY WOULDN'T HAVE CAUGHT A WHIFF OF IT ANYWAY YOU DAFT SOD. I DISAGREED THOUGH BECAUSE SOME MAY OF THOUGHT THERE'D BEEN A GUN FIRED IT WAS THAT LOUD AND I DIDN'T WANT TO DISTRESS THEM BY THINKING SOMEONE WAS TAXING THE TILL WITH THE TAKINGS. THERE ARE MANY WAYS YOU CAN DISGUISE A GOOD OLD PUMP. SCUBA DIVING IS AN EXCELLENT ONE AS IS GETTING IN A JACUZZI.
PROBABLY ONE OF THE REASONS I CAN TALK OPENLY ABOUT FARTING IS BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN IN PRISON. I ALWAYS MADE SURE THAT MY CELLIE DID NOT HAVE IBS OR CROHNS DISEASE AND IF THEY DID THE OFFICERS WERE TOLD TO MOVE THEM TO ANOTHER CELL... IF THERE WERE NO AVAILABLE CELLS THEN THE TRICK WAS TO MAKE SURE THE CELLIE WAS ON THE TOP BUNK AS FARTS TRAVEL UPWARDS SO NEVER HAVE A BOTTOM BURPER ON THE LOWER BUNK WHO IS SUFFERING FROM BOWEL ISSUES.
HUMAN BEINGS ARE A FUNNY SPECIES WHEN IT COMES TO FARTING. WHEN WE ARE BABIES... OUR PARENTS WIND US TO MAKE US FART AND PRAISE US FOR RIPPING ONE OUT ON OUR KNEES. BUT WHEN WE ARE OLDER WE ARE NOT PRAISED. WE ARE TOLD OFF BY THE SCHOOL TEACHERS FOR FARTING IN CLASS... WE ARE FROWNED UPON IF WE LET ONE RIP IN THE CHURCH AND WE TOLD TO HOLD THEM IN WHILST IN COMPANY OR ESPECIALLY AT THE ALTER WHILST TAKING OUR VOWS. BUT NO WHEN WE ARE BABIES WE ARE PRAISED FOR BLOWING THE ROOF OFF OUR HOUSES.
I REMEMBER MY WIFE SAYING TO ME... DAMN I HOPE I DONT FART WHILST GIVING BIRTH. WELL TO ME THAT IS RIDICULOUS BECAUSE SHE WAS GIVING BIRTH TO A CHILD WHO WOULD BE ENCOURAGED TO FART FOR ENGLAND AFTER BEING GIVEN A BOTTLE FEED.
FARTING IS A NO GO WHEN ENTERING IN TO A NEW RELATIONSHIP. WOMEN DO NOT FART DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF THEIR MAN. BUT FARTING BECOMES A DIFFERENT STORY ONCE A RING IS PLACED ON YOUR WOMAN'S FINGER. IS RIGHT FOLKS.
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