Sometimes the urge to write is so strong that I can't deny it even when I have no idea what I want the subject to be or if there will even be a subject. Today is one of those days.
I feel like I have a lot on my mind lately but it's all a jumbled blur. It's like life is speeding along and I'm trapped on the shoulder like a broken down old car, unable to keep up, watching in dismay as lights rush past me. I have no idea how to get the thoughts out of my mind except to start typing. I guess we'll find out together what the thoughts are....I haven't got a clue.
As many of you know (my dear longtime readers...thank you for sticking by my side), I've had an unusually large amount of traumatic things occur during my lifetime. Each item affected me in one way or another, but the most drastic changes have happened over the past six years (5 years, 9 months, & 3 days if you want to get technical about it).
I've changed. I look at life differently. I know that I won't live forever and I want to savor every good thing the world has to offer between now and whatever day I'm scheduled to depart this body. I don't want any more bad. No more conflict. No more pain.
I know that's just a fantasy. There is no way that I can live the rest of my life without conflict or pain. But I can hope. I can live each day trying to avoid it. I can love with all my heart and turn my back on the bad stuff. That's what I try to do any way.
I try to take care of the Earth. I won't litter (not even a cigarette butt). I try natural items to solve most issues (peppermint oil for ants, Dawn for bagworms...stuff like that). I live and let live when it comes to all creatures (humans included) as long as they don't bother me first. I even buy items from companies that are trying to help the world (One example: Better World Books sells high quality books at a fraction of the normal price and donates largely to world literacy. And no, I don't receive anything for saying that.). So I try.
I'm far from a perfect person. I say things I shouldn't say. I do things I shouldn't do. Some days I eat more than I should (and all the unhealthy stuff, thank you) and don't take my walk. I smoke. I curse. I can be very unreasonable and immature. But I try.
So why do I feel so incomplete? What is missing in my life? I have a deep feeling that I am heading towards something. Something big. Another life changer. I have no idea what that something big is and I'm not sure I'm ready for it. I'm scared half to death. But I feel it. It's close. Very close.
And so I wait.