I was drawn into House Hunters because I love seeing the inside of different homes, but the way the people on that show focus on appearance versus practicality drives me insane. “Ewww, this carpet looks like it’s 10 years old.” Hey, you’re in your mid 20’s and about to buy a $350,000 home – trust me when I say things could be much worse.

If House Hunters has taught me anything it’s that apparently this is the standard wish we should have when looking for a home:

The home needs to be close to the ocean, a house in the city but without all that noise, it must have 6+ bedrooms, a fenced in yard, double sinks in every bathroom, 3 walk in closets with a seating area, all stainless steel appliances, a 5 minute commute to work, 2 offices, an olympic sized swimming pool, 2 kitchen islands, a big yard, a master bathroom with a separate shower & big ass tub, tons of extra space for entertaining, first floor laundry, a wine cellar, 4 working fireplaces, an open floor plan, a special room just for him, a fully furnished basement & wall to wall hardwood floors. And all for a budget of $29,000.

Like I said, the show offers plenty of cringe-worthy moments to those of us who consider ourselves lucky to be homeowners to begin with.

If My Dog Was on House Hunters

I consider myself a practical person, but what about Laika? She can be pretty demanding at times. (You should see what happens when I’m 10 minutes late for our walk…)

Would Laika consider a house with a small yard a deal breaker? Would she want a 3rd bedroom so she could make her own doggy office? I know she certainly wouldn’t mind 10 year old carpet; everyone knows that carpet is way more comfortable to puke on.

This is what would happen if my dog was on House Hunters; this would be her house buying wish list.

Home must have a custom bag-less garbage system. Garbage bags are loud, scary & completely outdated. All garbage must be left in a lid-less container for proper doggie inspection before disposal.

Yard needs to have at least 10 varieties of grass. Everyone knows how hard it is to find the right grass for the occasion.

All indoor bathing facilities must be switched to hoses. Baths are outdated, everyone knows an indoor hose system is the way to go. No baths will be taken unless they’re given with streams of water shot directly into the face.

All flooring must be replaced with plush carpet. Carpet makes it possible to crawl around on the floor when needed, and everyone knows how much fun carpet is to puke on.

Home must have a custom dog bed in each room of the house. You can’t put a price on comfort (and being able to spy on everything that’s going on from a comfy platform).

All counters should be lowered to 12 inches for proper inspection purposes. Dogs shouldn’t have to ‘sit pretty’ or jump to see what’s happening on the counters.

Each room must have no less than 4 wall length windows for maximum visibility. Necessary for monitoring outside threats (squirrels) & sunbathing.

Custom canine controlled television programming. Remotes should have paw print security installed so the humans can’t sit around and watch boring stuff all day long.

Automatic power down mode for 6 hours a day. All computers and devices should cease to work for 6 hours each day to maximize available play time.

Custom food dispensers. The kitchen should have 4 paw activated food dispensers (50% meat, 40% treats, 5% peanut butter, 5% cheese) that need to be refilled every day.

One doggie door in every room. For security purposes. Humans are slow and lazy when it comes to keeping the yard safe and clear of invaders (squirrels).

Dog sitter quarters on premises. Home must come with a full time dog sitter whose only job is to do whatever the dog wants at all times. Must be willing to play, cuddle and walk for at least 8 hours a day.

What Would Your Dog Want in a House?

Be crazy with me for a minute; what do you think your dog would want in a house? A big yard? An endless supply of food? Their very own room for toys?

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