Guest post by Nita B. Haug-Zyph
I remember when I lost my mom to cancer I was positive the pain could not be matched unless it was from a death of one of my own children. At that time, my kids were 12 and younger and little did I know I would suffer the pain of the loss of my child and my child's loss as well. The loss is not to actual death; instead it is to Addiction and not one of my children but 3 of them. Looking back, the death of my mom was much easier to bear.
I don't believe there is a worse pain as a mom I could suffer than the addiction of my children and what addiction has done to not only them, but their children as well. The children I knew died with the first drink that first snort, that first needle. The death of my children as I knew them started slow, gaining momentum as the addiction dug in and took hold and then took over.
As a parent we can help our kids fight things such as cancer, diabetes and so much more but when it comes to addiction, it's a fight I've learned I am unable to fight. The heartbreak of not being able to help my kids through a disease that will be the biggest battle of their lives is in itself enough to bring me to my knees. All I can do is pull the tough love card, learn to say no and be consistent in letting them know it's their story, they can tell it how they want, but I don't have to, and won't, believe it. The pain of their addictions is unbearable, watching their lives spiral downhill at a speed that left me in the dust for longer then I care to admit.
Then the reality hits and that reality is my grand-kids. I have 13 grand-kids, four of which I am raising, 2 that other grand-parents are raising and 5 being raised by mom's that wised up and left my grand-kid's dad, (my son). That makes 11 of my grand-kids not being with one, or both, of their parents due to addiction. No, honestly no. I'm not bragging. I'm crying. I'm embarrassed. I'm crushed. I'm full of guilt. I'm angry. I'm ashamed. I'm stressed. I'm terrified. I am so much more which would take up pages to get out. I am feeling the worst pain I've ever experienced in my life, the loss of 3 of my kids and their loss of their kids.
On top of those losses so deeply and painfully felt, is the equally soul sucking Anger. Anger at myself for not being able to stop the addiction. The anger at my ex for setting the example of addiction. The anger at my kids for doing this to themselves. To their children. To me. The anger at lives lost, lives changed, lives scarred forever. The anger which had me hating. The anger that made me want vengeance. The anger that wanted to instill even more anger and hate in my grand-kids. The anger that wanted me to totally and completely take the grand kids away from the two people in their lives which regardless of how much or what has happened, these innocent gran-kids still love, their parents.
These last 18 months of my life have been the most challenging, life changing, thought and emotion provoking months of my entire life. I realized one day I was grieving for my loss, empty nest, fun with my Honey and friends, do as I please when I please, adult only life, and grieving hard. Yes grieving, all five stages of it. The denial and isolation. The anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance. I'm positive the only stage I have made it through is denial and isolation. The rest of them I bounce back and forth with, in and out or even at times, getting brave and battling 2 or 3 at a time. The one I haven't touched on yet is acceptance. Getting to this point of realizing I was going through a normal process due to such a major change in my life is what put me on the path to working my way through whatever stage or stages I am battling with at the moment. Unfortunately for me, anger is the stage that has me in its grip the tightest and I battle daily to not let it have my soul, nor the souls of the four grand kids in my care.
It's only been the last 6 or 7 months I started to realize the importance of roping in the anger and realizing for my own souls peace and that of the four grand kids who regardless of what has happened, love their parents and need, plus deserve, to know their parents love them very, very much and understand addiction is thinking for their parents right now. I also came to understand that I too love my daughter and my other two who are battling addiction, very, very, much. If I didn’t I wouldn't keep the hope alive. I wouldn't hurt. I wouldn't fear. I just wouldn't, but I do and do very much.
I also know regardless of what other's believe and say, my kids love me very, very, much. I want and need peace. The kids want, need and deserve peace. We all want to understand. We all want to make sense of what is breaking our hearts, ripping our families apart. Causing so much chaos. ADDICTION!
Focus on and learn as much as possible and teach about addiction to the kids. Help us all understand. Even the youngest one can get it to an extent and the understanding will grow with age. I think I finally get it, now it's time to move in the right direction, work with it and get rid of the fear that breeds anger which poisons our very soul.
