I wear them proudly like so many medals. Three parallel Scars span my lower back along the spine. They mark the three back surgeries I’ve had. I don’t think they’re Ugly. I think they are a part of me.

The skin on my lower back is discolored. Three years of constant heating pad application has changed my skin from smooth cream to mottled marble. I don’t think this is ugly. I think it is a part of me.

Five Years Ago my body was black and blue from the bruises left by a violent daughter. I hid the marks with long sleeves and long pants. I politely insisted my husband wasn’t hurting me over several doctor’s visits. I avoided looking at myself in the mirror. I was ashamed then. I felt ugly.

Five years ago the children had so many tantrums that I didn’t have a minute to myself. They were so frantic about getting food that they would take mine and throw it on the floor. Sean and Mary woke up between 3 and 10,000 times every night. They rarely ran on the same schedule. All the not-sleeping and not-eating left me 30 pounds lighter.

My clothes hung on me like oversized drapes. My hip bones dug painfully into hard chairs. I could count each prominent rib. Huge sweaters hid my bones and bruises. It was ugly. It was scary. I was ashamed. Why couldn’t I control these kids? Why was it all so hard?

I no longer have these bruises. I am not bony and cold and tired. I have (thankfully) a new doctor who understands a bit about parenting children with mental illness.

When a door bursts open quickly or slams in the wind I flinch away. I still cringe a bit when I hear a toddler screaming at the store. It takes a minute to remember it’s someone else’s very small child. It’s not my daughter running at me with a knife. It’s not a person almost my height armed with whatever furniture is nearby.

Some scars have earned their place on me. None were anticipated. All of them are worn with pride. They tell me I am strong. They tell me I survive. They tell the story of me.

I am beautiful.

**Names have been changed to protect the privacy of those involved.