In the ever-evolving journey of parenthood, finding the right balance between discipline and nurture is a constant quest. As we navigate the intricate path of raising resilient and emotionally intelligent children, it is so important that we foster a positive and supportive environment for our children’s growth. In this article, we’ll be sharing insights on Things Parents should not do from Evidence-Based Parenting: From Toddler to Pre-Teen by social researcher Matilda Gosling, praised by Stella O’Malley as ‘the book that every parent needs’. We will explore not only things parents should not do but also strategies to adopt instead.

Evidence-Based Parenting: From Toddler to Pre-Teen is a comprehensive guidebook on effective Parenting, underpinned by high-quality, contemporary research. It draws directly on over 1000 studies and indirectly on thousands more to create an evidence-based reference manual for busy parents. Matilda’s expertise lies in the ability to assess and present research accessibly in a way that’s unhindered by philosophy or preconceptions. She believes that taking a research-based perspective to the distillation of research on child development, psychology and parenting can provide other parents with useful tools and strategies to support their children as they grow.

Things parents should not do – key recommendations

The foundation of positive parenting begins with refraining from physical punishment and criticism—two things parents should not do. The importance of avoiding harsh behaviour, such as shouting or attempting to control a child’s emotions can not be overstated —again, things parents should not do. Parents should be wary of being overly permissive and overbearing supervision, steering clear of the pitfalls of ‘helicopter parenting’. To recap these are the things parents should not do:

• Don’t spank your child or use any other physical punishment.
• Try not to criticise your child.
• Don’t shout at your child or be otherwise hard with them.
• Don’t try to control the way your child feels.
• Avoid being overly permissive.
• Avoid ‘helicopter parenting’.

What to do instead: Key recommendations:

Find more constructive ways of parenting

If you find yourself slipping into any of the behaviours described in this chapter. Set out – and stick to – appropriate rules and boundaries for your child. Consistently use alternative, non-punishing forms of discipline. Read together regularly.

Try to avoid the main areas of psychological control

Making your child feel guilty about their thoughts or behaviour, for instance by highlighting the impact on you as a parent of what they’ve done or said, withdrawing attention or affection when your child doesn’t do or say what you’d like, making your child feel anxious by threatening them or invalidating their feelings, for example by dismissing what they’ve said.

Develop self-awareness in some key areas

Be aware of your risk factors for parenting negatively – if you had a difficult childhood or if your parents were controlling with you – and use this knowledge to steer your parenting. If you find yourself responding to your child’s behaviour in a way you don’t like, see if there are any local parenting programmes available to you, such as Triple P.

Look after yourself

Your well-being is critical. If you’re anxious, find support. If you argue a lot with your partner,
consider whether there might be a way to tone down this conflict. If you drink alcohol regularly, consider trying to cut down or quit. Get your needs met. And if it’s possible, get more sleep.

Expand your thinking

If you don’t like children showing negative emotions such as sadness or anger, consider reading around about the value of them being able to do so.

Deal with anger and criticism appropriately

Find healthy ways of expressing your anger with your child, such as stating calmly why you are angry and what you would like to happen differently. know that you’re probably monumentally underestimating how much you really criticise your child, and take steps to reduce it. Try to parent mindfully. Increase the number of positive things you say to your child.

Think about emotional investment and risk

If you’re an intensive parent, investing endless emotional support and time into your child, think of the impact on you of this energy sink. Read around on risk to get an understanding of acceptable versus unacceptable risks for your child, and think about the risks it was acceptable for you to take in your own childhood.

Change what you won’t do into what you will do

Try converting your intentions not to parent in a harsh way into positive statements about what you will do: ‘I’m going to speak calmly to my child today.’

Find a balance

Find a balance between dismissing problems and giving them too much attention. Try not to ignore or minimise negative events, but don’t go to the opposite extreme and focus too much on a problem.

Be curious

Be curious. Look out for your child’s good behaviour. keep certain questions in mind when you feel upset with your child, such as how you would feel if somebody were to act with you the way you are acting with your child.

Troubleshooting: reducing unhealthy anger in front of your child

Identify what sets you off. Concentrate on your breathing when you feel angry. Allow time to pass between an act that’s made you angry and deciding what you’ll do about it. Create accountability through a reverse sticker chart.

Edited extract from Evidence-Based Parenting: From Toddler to Pre-Teen by Matilda Gosling, published by Swift Press on 25 January 2024

Buy your copy here:

The post Navigating parenthood: Top things parents should not do to raise happy, healthy kids appeared first on Motherhood: The Real Deal.