Today, I want to dive into a topic that’s close to the hearts of many of us: Miscarriage. Recent research by the UK pregnancy charity Tommy’s sheds light on the changing attitudes towards miscarriage. As we approach Baby Loss Awareness Week (9-15 October), it’s crucial to understand the progress made and the work still needed to support those who’ve experienced this loss.

In the past, many of those who had experienced the heartbreak of a miscarriage were likely to have been met with well-meaning but often unhelpful phrases like “it wasn’t meant to be” or “it’s just one of those things”. Back in 2015, over 80% of women and birthing people who had faced miscarriage heard these words. Fast forward to today, and the good news is that attitudes are slowly shifting. Tommy’s latest research shows that 61% of respondents believe attitudes toward miscarriage have changed in recent years.

However, there’s more to the story. Despite the increased visibility of miscarriage in the media and the efforts of organizations like Tommy’s, many still struggle with feelings of guilt and failure after a miscarriage. A staggering 78% feel like a failure, and 71% feel guilty. While there’s been some improvement, we have a long way to go in truly understanding and supporting those who’ve experienced this loss.

One positive change that stands out is the shift in openness in the workplace. In the past eight years, more people have felt comfortable sharing their experiences with their bosses and colleagues. This shift is encouraging, as it highlights the importance of empathy and understanding in the workplace.

So, what can we do to support those who’ve experienced miscarriage? Tommy’s offers some valuable advice. First, avoid cliches like “it wasn’t meant to be” and “just try again.” Instead, be there to listen and acknowledge their loss. Ask, “How are you doing?” and let them lead the conversation. Remember, everyone grieves differently, and sometimes, just knowing you care can mean the world to someone in pain.

The Impact of Tommy’s Research

Tommy’s, a UK-based pregnancy charity, has been at the forefront of research and support for those affected by miscarriage. In 2015, they conducted a significant survey known as the “misCOURAGE” campaign, aiming to raise awareness about how misunderstood miscarriage is by the general public and how these misunderstandings affect those who lose their babies.

The results were eye-opening. Many people who had experienced miscarriage felt like they were alone in their grief, struggling to find the right words or actions to respond when they shared their experiences with friends, family, or colleagues. Often, they encountered dismissive comments that minimized the emotional trauma they were going through.

Despite these challenges, Tommy’s took a bold stance, refusing to accept that miscarriage had to be “just one of those things.” In response, they opened the UK’s first National Centre for Miscarriage Research, with the goal of delivering research breakthroughs and improving care.

One such breakthrough is the use of progesterone as a treatment for bleeding in early pregnancy, which is expected to save around 8,500 babies’ lives annually. This demonstrates that change is possible, and baby loss and pregnancy complications do not have to be inevitable.

Challenges Still Remain

While there have been some positive changes since 2015, Tommy’s latest survey of almost 2,000 people who had experienced one or more miscarriages in the past eight years reveals that we still have a long way to go in fully understanding and supporting those affected:

• 78% still feel like a failure after miscarriage, the same percentage as in 2015.
• 71% continue to feel guilty, compared to 77% in 2015, with only a marginal decrease.
• 59% find it difficult to talk about their miscarriage, reflecting a decrease of just 6% since 2015.
• 29% feel they cannot talk to their partner for support, a decrease from 35% in 2015.

These statistics underscore the persistent emotional challenges that many individuals face after experiencing a miscarriage. While there’s been a slight improvement in attitudes towards miscarriage, more must be done to help people understand the impact of miscarriage and how to respond and offer support.

The Power of Words

One of the most significant challenges for those who’ve experienced miscarriage is the harmful responses they often encounter when they decide to share their experiences. While this year’s survey suggests a small improvement in attitudes towards miscarriage, many still hear phrases that lack understanding about the emotional trauma of losing a much-wanted baby:

• 75% heard “it wasn’t meant to be”, compared to 84% in 2015.
• 53% were told “at least it happened early”, compared to 57% in 2015, a comment that minimizes the deep emotional trauma many experience after a loss at any point in pregnancy.
• 49% were advised to “just try again”, compared to 59% in 2015.

However, 71% still heard “it’s just one of those things,” the same percentage as in 2015. This attitude suggests that miscarriage is inevitable, but Tommy’s knows this isn’t the case. By leading new research, growing evidence and understanding, and translating that research into information, support, and care, change is possible: baby loss and pregnancy complications do not have to be “just one of those things.”

Openness in the Workplace

One significant change in the past eight years appears to be the way miscarriage is treated in the workplace:

• 68% of people who had a miscarriage in the past 8 years said they told their boss afterward, compared to just 55% before 2015.
• 40% told their colleagues, a response option that wasn’t included in the 2015 survey.

This shift is a positive sign, as it demonstrates that more people are feeling empowered to share their experiences in a professional setting. Tommy’s has played a pivotal role in influencing how businesses develop their pregnancy and loss policies, ensuring that pregnancy loss is better understood, and employees and partners receive the flexible support they deserve.

Support and Understanding

So, how can we provide meaningful support to those who’ve experienced miscarriage? Amina Hatia, Tommy’s Midwifery Manager, offers valuable insights:

“We know how difficult it is to find the right words or actions to respond when you hear from a loved one, a friend, or perhaps a colleague, that they have had a miscarriage. People instinctively turn to cliches to find a silver lining, but they rarely help. Many people will feel like parents from the second they see the line on a positive test – they don’t want to hear about ‘next time’ or that ‘it wasn’t meant to be.’ A new baby or pregnancy does not replace the one who was lost.”

Most importantly, remember that you don’t have to have an answer or an explanation. Everyone is different, and it’s important to let people grieve the way they want to. Sometimes, people aren’t looking for advice about what they can do. They just need someone to listen to how they feel.

Simply asking, “How are you doing?” can mean the world—it can be very difficult to know if someone wants to talk about a painful event. If they don’t want to talk about it, they will let you know, but try not to let this fear stop you from asking.

Kath Abrahams, Tommy’s Chief Executive, emphasizes the importance of acknowledging the impact of baby loss and supporting those affected:

“Every year, Baby Loss Awareness Week brings our community together to remember their babies. It’s also a chance for us to raise awareness of just how many thousands of people are deeply affected every year, and to keep pushing for much-needed improvements in bereavement care and support.”

“Losing a much-wanted child at any stage in pregnancy is one of the most devastating experiences that any family can go through. We can see that the taboo or silence in discussing baby loss is starting to be broken, but we must keep working to ensure that no one feels they need to hide their heartbreak or that their experience is made worse by a lack of understanding and support.”

A Supportive Community

As we reflect on these findings and approach Baby Loss Awareness Week, let’s remember that we’re not alone. Friends, family, doctors, midwives, and organizations like Tommy’s are here for us. Together, we can break the silence, support one another, and work towards a world where miscarriage isn’t shrouded in silence and misunderstanding.

Baby loss information and support are available at Tommy’s. To speak to a Tommy’s midwife about any aspect of your pregnancy or if you need support and advice following a pregnancy loss, contact the team at [email protected]. You can also call them for free on 0800 014 7800 (Monday to Friday, 9 am to 5 pm).

Let’s continue to support each other, raise awareness, and break the silence around baby loss. Together, we can make a difference.

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