Being Confident is something we all aspire to both for ourselves and for our children. As a communication skills trainer I help people be more confident in the way they speak and present themselves. My school friends who knew me as the shy and awkward one, sitting quietly at the back of the class would be very surprised!

Let me share some tips on how to be more confident, based on personal experience. You may want to share these with your children and other family members so they can benefit too.

Start with awareness – what are you already good at

The first and most important step towards building Confidence is to be aware of what you have already been successfully doing in your life. 

The answers may range from being a talented artist to being a good parent or friend. Feel free to note down any idea that comes to your mind because everything you are good at counts as a valid point. 

What this will reveal to you is that confidence is not absolute, because nobody is fully confident about everything in their lives. All of us feel confident about particular aspects we know we are good at. Equally, each and every one of us struggles with a specific area that needs improvement. And yet, when we face our pain points, instead of offering constructive solutions, our minds may find that there is something wrong with our whole being. This is a trap because each of us is a completely whole being with numerous qualities. 

For example, I used to be extremely bad at giving presentations until I joined a Toastmaster International public speaking club to develop my skills.

Once you start working on developing a new skill, your confidence will grow with it. Thus, you track what you’re good at and don’t let yourself identify your overall confidence with the areas you feel least certain about. 

Use positive affirmations to change negative thoughts

You may find that using positive affirmations works for you. For example, when I was learning to speak in front of a crowd saying; “I’m excited to be called out onto the stage” worked like magic. I kept on repeating it to myself as my turn approached. After six presentations I started to get genuinely excited about my turn instead of being petrified.

If affirmations still seem shallow or vain to there is a more analytical way that I learned from my performance coaches. By answering the following questions, you’ll find out the fears that are hidden behind your lack of confidence and learn how to transform destructive thought patterns into constructive ones. 

Write down, record, or simply answer: 

1. How can I describe the exact negative thoughts on this particular subject in only one sentence? 
2. Is this thought 100% true? Is it a fact or is it my assumption?
3. What proves that this negative thought is completely or partially false?
4. If the event that what I most fear happened, how would it truly affect my life? What would I do (realistically and without exaggeration)?
5. If my best friend had this exact thought, what would I tell them?

These questions helped me through very difficult periods, such as the financial uncertainties of recent times. I hope they will help you as well.

Celebrating even small achievements

When I turned 16, I organised a birthday party for the very first time. I reserved a room for my friends in a new pizzeria and prepared a couple of games to lighten the mood. The turn-out was pretty good, but I felt terrible afterwards: people complained about the pizza options and found my games stupid. It was the first – and the last – large birthday party I organised. 

Sometimes, when we take on difficult projects they don’t go according to plan. In such situations, it’s easy to forget that one unsuccessful event means little, and that true success is achieved by taking small but consistent steps towards the goal. So, if you’ve just failed at something, remember; the key to becoming better at anything is to shift your focus onto your progress over longer periods rather than holding on to the setbacks along the way. 

Why is this so important? Because by following this approach you are attaching small successful experiences to your journey, and this enables you to notice your improvements. As a result, you are building a new neural pathway responsible for the positive events in the struggle area and transforming it into a normal area or even a power area. This is a part of the habit formation process that Charles Duhigg talks about in his book The Power of Habit.

Stepping towards success

After my sixteenth birthday I avoided organising events for years, until one day I had no choice but to step up. The organisers of an event I was involved in were stuck in traffic and the guests were already waiting. I knew what needed doing, so I started the meeting without the main organisers. Guess what?  Nothing terrible happened! The meeting didn’t go perfectly, but it was still pretty good. Small steps at a time. I eventually ended up organising all sorts of successful events and parties for hundreds of people.

In other words, regardless of what happens along your journey, your job is to always interpret your attempts as steps towards your success. They might be small ones, but they’re still there. Keep on doing the same thing over and over until your brain is convinced that when you perform that stressful activity something good happens. And it surely will, especially if you’re serious about getting better!

You can build up your confidence over time. This is done by separating your self-confidence from your areas of struggle, reminding yourself of every small success along your journey, questioning your Negative Thoughts and substituting them with positive ones.

Now you have some easy-to-implement ways to build Unshakeable Confidence, please use them, and introduce them to your children when appropriate. That way you can all benefit. 

Diana Robertson is a member of Toastmasters International, a not-for-profit organisation that has provided communication and leadership skills since 1924 through a worldwide network of clubs. There are more than 400 clubs and 10,000 members in the UK and Ireland. Members follow a structured educational programme to gain skills and confidence in public and impromptu speaking, chairing meetings and time management. To find your nearest club, visit www.toastmasters.org

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