Were you the child who always overlooked your dad and went straight to mom when you needed permission to go somewhere or do something? Most people may have not heard of the term Default Parenting, but we’ve all witnessed it happen. And when put to practice, default parenting is never healthy. If you don’t know what it entails, this is when kids bypass their dad and head straight to the mom to have their needs met. The mother is the one who makes the doctor’s appointments, drives them to school every morning and makes sure to pack them their lunch. Now there’s nothing wrong with one partner taking the lead when it comes to managing the kids and the house while the other chooses to manage the finances, but when you’re completely shut out from your child’s life, that’s a problem! Default parenting is simply mothers having to take a wheel and micromanage every detail regarding parenting while the other partner barely contributes. But it doesn’t have to be that way. Here’s how you and your partner can say goodbye to default parenting once and for all!

What Is Default Parenting Syndrome?

Default Parenting Syndrome occurs when women are expected to take on primary parenting duties. Now, you can be a default parent and still love your kids and your spouse. But there’s no denying that the stress and frustration from having to do everything alone will get to you in time. Most default parents feel suffocated due to the pressure that is placed on them to ensure the health and wellbeing of the kids at all times. Being a primary caregiver all on your own isn’t how it’s meant to be. You and your partner are, well, partners. And if you don’t help each other out, soon, one of you will burn out.

Why Is Default Parenting Unhealthy For Moms?

Most people think that there’s absolutely nothing wrong with the mother being the only primary caregiver as they are naturally maternal. But there are 3 major consequences that can occur as a result of moms being the default parents.

1. Chronic Fatigue And Burnout

As the default parent, it is your duty to spend most of your time tending to the needs of your very demanding kids. And no matter how much you love them and care for them, everyone needs a break. If all you do is spend time with the kids and spend the time that you have away from them, thinking about everything you need to do for them, then you, like any other default parent, is going to feel overwhelmed and drained. Being the only one to keep the kids on track means you don’t ever get any time to relax or switch off from mom mode, leaving you physically and mentally exhausted. You need to think of yourself as more than a mom. Who are you beyond your role as a parent? Nurture your interests and take time off to work on other goals. Take the time to realize what else brings value to your life and then pursue it.

2. You End Up Resenting Your Spouse And Kids

When you are the go-to parent while your partner gets it easy, you slowly start to build up resentment for them and you kids. This growing resentment can seriously interfere with the quality of the relationship you have with your kids and your spouse. So the next time you are overwhelmed and need your partner to tap in, communicate your needs to them. Let them know that you need to take a break, even if just for a couple of hours a week. Openly discuss the changes in parenting styles that you desire. Point out the small ways in which your partner can contribute to the parenting dynamic so that you are not so stressed.

3. Diminishing The Ability To Care For Yourself

If you’re not okay, the kids will be able to sense. The best way to teach your kids to take care of themselves is to allow them to see all the ways in which you care for yourself. It’s still important to put yourself first. Even if this means seeking outside support. Maybe this is in the form of seeking professional health to deal with an overwhelmed mental state. Or maybe it’s taking half an hour in the morning to yourself every morning so that you don’t lose your mind during the day. Whatever does the trick for you.

As much as we want to do it all by ourselves, default parenting is neither healthy nor sustainable. You need a partner who is willing to help you look after the kids and stand by every parenting decision y’all make together. So make sure not to fall into the default trap!