When I look back on everything that’s happened in my life I feel a cloud of gray float over my head. There have been many struggles, Pain, sadness and challenges. Despite those feelings I never had regrets even in the toughest of times because somehow I always believed that everything happened for a reason. Every difficult person, event and circumstance was a lesson to be learned. It felt like puzzle pieces falling into place a piece at a time to make sense of the question “Why?” I felt redemption in the moments when those pieces fell into place. A realization would always hit me and I would be comforted by the fact that the pain was well worth having for the lesson learned.

My first regret was the kind that stemmed over time. It was a painfully slow realization and at first I wasn’t understanding it. I tried to brush it off. My ego being bruised maybe or feeling disappointment. When the realization finally hit, I didn’t feel comfort. I felt pain. Pain I hadn’t felt before because I realized what I had let pass. I tried to make up for that loss. I tried to retrieve it but I failed.

My second regret opened up so many wounds. Realizing it now, all the pain that I had felt as a child and the fears that I had let grow inside me resulted in my second regret. All the anger that I felt vanished when I again, realized the loss. Now when I think back, I could have been better and done better. When you bring too much pain with you it becomes a heavy burden to carry. I have what ifs and should haves that prick at my heart.

I try to think of the reasons for these regrets. Of everything that has happened in my life and why these 2 regrets stand out and make such a mark. I can’t change anything. I can’t go back. I can’t do it over again.

Then I realized maybe these were lessons for me to share. My son is the same as me. Unemotional, hard, head over heart. He has his own pain that he carries from a childhood that wasn’t what it should have been. Just like me his defense is not to feel, not to be vulnerable and to not give anyone a chance to even try to get past the gate of protection around our hearts.

I talk to my son and tell him my realizations about my second regret. I tell him that he doesn’t need to forgive, he doesn’t need to forget but he needs to release because the burden of pain and fear you bring won’t ever allow you to experience anything fully. Every step forward will have a possible step back because of the guards that have been put up so high that you don’t even feel like you can enjoy anything for fear of being vulnerable. I wanted him to realize he didn’t need to bring the anger. It was never his to bring. Life can be enjoyed and be beautiful.

I didn’t tell him about my first regret. That you should let love in when it comes knocking. That you shouldn’t be afraid to try because sometimes you don’t get a second chance.

I guess in some ways, these regrets have also given me the lessons I’ve needed to learn. I don’t get the happy ending but I have the peace that I need to move forward.