She is passing… she is dead.

As I read these words from my brother I Realize she is gone. The last several years of my relationship with my mom had not been good. I had a lot of anger and resentment for the things that happened in my life. Becoming a single mom illuminated the shortcomings my mom had. Whereas I pushed and bled to provide for my kids I recalled the ways that my mom did not make the same efforts.

Life was hard for me. I was a regular kid until we returned to the Philippines and then it all went downhill from there. There are so many ways I could have been but to survive what I’d been through I turned hard, defensive, protective, guarded and yes even emotionless.  As a young girl I can recall some of the good times…my mom baking cakes, preparing our Christmas stockings… and as I type this I realize the emotional withdrawal she also had.

She was not an easy person to be with. There were many conflicts and I realize now I detached from my mom a long time ago. There was a lot of anger towards the end and it consumed me. When I sit and think about regrets I ask myself if I have any. Could I have done more? Yes. Could I have been better? Yes. And in the moment that I thought those things, I realized my mom understood. She understood why I couldn’t give more of myself because she had also been there. I expected to feel fear for the anger I showed during her last days but for some reason I felt comfort and safety despite that.

I’m very good at showing people what I only want them to see. I’ve mastered shielding my emotions and keeping everything in. It’s how I can show up everyday for myself and the people that need me. I had to learn the hard way to feel my emotions. And somehow losing my mom is the final test. The final recourse to have the emotions I’m supposed to have. I just wish I could have been better before she passed.

I don’t like the idea of needing anyone. Not emotionally that is. Being emotionally battered for years in my marriage I learned to put up the highest wall I could build that even my kids had a hard time climbing it. It was only recently that I knocked down a part of that wall. I thought I had cleared the path but my mom’s passing has made me realize I still kept some of it up. Now I’m flooded with tears realizing that I displayed the same shortcomings I was angry at my mom for.

I wish I could have been better. I wish I could have done better. I only have a few regrets in life because I always believe that things even the most painful ones happen for a reason. This is my 2nd regret in life.

All the bad memories, the bad experiences are flushed away. Now I only want to see that my mom did the best she could. What she could do and give of herself.