For those of us who are separating or divorcing, many times, it can be because there are some FUNDAMENTAL differences, in our outlooks in life, that have surfaced between us and our ex. Those differences were ALWAYS there, but ignored until the divorce. Unfortunately, this means that the Children can be trapped in the middle, despite our BEST efforts to keep that from happening. Now, this is NOT because we WANT our children caught in this conflict, but because there is an impasse that cannot be bridged, no matter how much we may not want this to be, at this point.
Dads, it is our JOB as a Parent, to teach our children the differences between right and wrong, and to teach them the things that we find acceptable in living our lives. It is also our job to counter negative influence, be they from friends, family…or even from the other parent. At THAT point, we feel caught between the conflicting forces of wanting our children to know both parents love them, and protecting them from something we see as harmful to them.
I don’t normally delve TOO deeply into my personal stuff, but it is needed here to make a point.
As I have mentioned previously, my ex, who claimed for years to be religious, had multiple affairs, and married one of the men she had an affair with. This man, aside from the fact that he had claimed to be a friend of mine, had been a LOUSY father. Hands down. I saw it for YEARS and had NO questions about the fact. I STILL don’t.
My ex, as I had previously mentioned, had been given a choice: I didn’t care if she dated the guy, stayed with him, but if she had him move in with her, then she gave up the right to have her son stay nights with her. I didn’t do this to be vindictive, or hurtful. I did this because the man is NOT acceptable to be around children. Not ANYONE’S children. And DESPITE what my ex may think, this was NOT an easy decision to reach.
My ex chose the man over her son. To this day, she claims it is my fault for FORCING this choice on her. This is the difference in parenting philosophies: If I had been in her shoes, the significant other would have been gone in five seconds…no contest. It would not have even been a choice in my book, and would have taken no time to decide. No matter HOW that choice had been forced on me, I would have chosen my SON, and not looked back.
This past weekend, my former mother in law wanted to have a belated Christmas get together with her family And she wanted my ex, her husband, and my son to all be there. Despite what I know my ex thinks, I don’t trash her to my son. I REFUSE to do that, for NO 8 year old should think ill of EITHER of their parents. They have ENOUGH to deal with in a divorce, without feeling they have to take sides. So I left the choice to my son, letting him know if he decided to go, that was more than fine with me. I made it clear it was COMPLETELY his choice, with NO adverse consequences on my end. I told him I would back him to the HILT no matter WHAT he decided.
Now, this isn’t bragging about my son, much as I would like to, but he is an observant boy who sees EVERYTHING….sometimes I fear he sees too much. He took all of ten seconds deciding he didn’t want to be anywhere around this guy, so he passed on the family get together. I still talked more with it about him to make sure he was SURE of his choice.
He caught grief from my ex and her mother. They don’t think they gave him much, but they never actually TALKED with him about his FEELINGS, just pestered him about why he didn’t want to go. In fact, my ex, to his FACE, said I was poisoning his mind against her husband.
Now, the TRUTH of the matter is I find myself, ironically, having to REMIND my son that his mother loves him, and DEFEND her actions…and if THAT isn’t a smack to the head, I don’t know what is!
His response, after our fourth talk about it was as follows: “Dad, I know mommy is a good person on the inside…she just isn’t such a good person on the OUTSIDE.”
See, as I said, he sees far more than I want him to. It turns out, he still resents my ex for picking her husband over him, and he has NO Desire to meet the man as a result. He has formed his own opinions and desires on the matter. As he has worded it on more than one occasion: “I love my mommy, but I don’t like her very much.”
BUT, my son INITIALLY asked that I take the blame for him not being there. He wanted ME to say I said no, not him. Being the protective parent, I had NO problem with this…at first. As I thought about this request I also talked it over with some friends. They were friends who are ALSO parents, and I respect their decisions greatly.
See…this goes back to teaching your children. And one of the things they HAVE to learn is to stand up for THEMSELVES. The kicker of being a parent is we want to protect them from EVERYTHING, but have to teach them to STAND UP for themselves…even against a parent, when they KNOW they are right.
A parent’s JOB is to prepare our kids to be ready to face the world. Our DESIRE is to protect them from EVERYTHING as fiercely as possible. And that leads us to our OWN conflicts.
It was not an easy decision, but I finally decided to tell my son he HAD to state HIS desires on the matter clearly to his mother and grandmother. That I would BACK his desires, and if anyone gave him grief they could bring take up the issue with ME. I told him, when it came to what he FEELS, he had the right to say to my ex, or to ME, that he didn’t agree, WHY he didn’t agree, and I would NEVER come down on him for expressing his opinion.
And here is the line we have to learn as parents, especially as SINGLE parents: Its NOT our job to PROTECT our children from everything…its our job to ARM our children so they can protect THEMSELVES from everything. We need to teach our children how to cope with adverse situations, how to express clearly and rationally what their desires are, and they need to learn we are the people who will ALWAYS listen. Now, we may not, in fact WILL not, always AGREE. But we are teaching our children to stand on their own, to face the world and not be overwhelmed by it.
Unfortunately, this also includes arming our children to protect themselves from a bad parent. BUT…and this is a BIG but…this doesn’t mean slamming your ex to them, it doesn’t mean when you and your ex have minor disagreements that you drag your kids into it, or even make them aware of it. This is for the BIG things.
I was raised that affairs are wrong, despite the fact my own father had one. I was raised to believe that someone certainly would NOT marry a person they were having an affair with and have that CONDONED by everyone around them. I was not raised to think a child would have to TOLERATE a partner of a parent, who had an affair. I will NOT allow my son to think that is an acceptable life choice, I will not have him think it is something he could do to HIS family when he is grown. These are things I feel VERY strongly about, and there is no room for compromise on such an issue.
Thus, the fundamental conflict with my ex. I am fortunate. She has no REAL desire to be a parent, or to put her children first. Her world, ultimately, revolves around HER, and everyone else going along with her choices because SHE wants them.
As a parent, MY belief is that your child comes FIRST. Over a partner, over your desires, over what MAY bring YOU happiness, yet make your child miserable.
We are PARENTS. It is the MOST IMPORTANT thing we will do with our lives. More important than jobs, accomplishments, or wealth. Being a parent is the SINGLE most important thing we EVER do with our lives, hands down. And THAT should be the attitude of ANY parent.
Its my JOB to impart these fundamental beliefs and philosophies to my son, then let him DECIDE if he agrees. Its my job to ARM him, to protect himself from his mother’s poor choices, her selfishness, and her pettiness. Its my job to teach him how to stand up for himself against these things, not protect him from them. Giving him illusions about how life works will only result in MORE pain for him later life.
So, dads, you need to make sure that these fundamental conflicts are INDEED fundamental. Not to spite your ex, not even reject her future partners out of hand.
“Yeah, well YOU did!’
Nope, I knew the man for nine years. Knew him as a parent and a person. He is a LOUSY parent, and I have no question or hesitation in saying that. I wouldn’t let him around ANYONE’S kids, period. This has NOTHING to do with the affair and everything to do with HIM as a person. See, you do protect your kids from harm, just not discomfort.
Further, it has even MORE to do with my ex. She has readily claimed she would die for our son…she has NEVER shown she would LIVE for him. She loves him, as much as she is capable of loving anyone. I don’t doubt that for a second. But in HER world, she is the center of the universe, and so whatever is good for HER, must therefore be good for everyone else…and if it isn’t, they need to shut their mouths and go along, because its STILL good for HER.
Now, this sounds like sour grapes, and a total slam of my ex….its not. It is recognizing who she truly is. I am NOT saying her philosophy is wrong, or mine is right…just that they are FUNDAMENTALLY opposed, and I am confident in my OWN beliefs. No more, no less. It has been a bitter pill to realize I once loved someone who was such the complete opposite of myself and my beliefs…we live and learn.
But dads, ARM your kids. Teach them how to protect themselves…and BACK them when they do! Be there as the rational voice, the sympathetic shoulder, and the sounding board for their emotional state. Don’t view your kids as a weapon to be used against your ex, and THINK long and hard before any conflict. BUT, when you are sure, don’t hesitate to BACK your children. Don’t hesitate, out of a sense of loyalty to something long gone, to ARM you kids with the tools they need for their lives ahead. Its your JOB to give your kids the ability to be their own person!
And if this means arming them to defend themselves against the other parent…think long and hard, but IF it does, then DO IT!
Allons-y!
