Ok, dads, its time to plan the rest of your lives, post separation or divorce.  Now, I don’t mean a detailed, day by day plan, but there are some things you NEED to get it  into your head that you are going to accomplish this year in order to take your live back, and to make yourself, and your children HAPPY.

So what you need are some GOALS to set, or things you need to get done, to get to the point where your life can PROGRESS.  Without these, you are going to find you are in a holding pattern, and this year will be just as unhappy as the last.

Get past your Ex: Now, I know, I can hear the NEWLY separated saying “Easy for you to say!”  And yes, it is true that time DOES aid in this.  However, I know people who ten years later are STILL hung up on their ex, and their lives are unhappy and miserable.  You need to get it into your head that THIS part of your life is DONE.  Its not going to return, she is NOT going  to suddenly see the light and throw herself back into your arms…and to be honest, even if she WOULD, why would YOU want her back?  So how do you do this?  The GOAL is to interact with your ex as LITTLE as possible!

• Don’t follow her life: Be it online, via facebook, or by talking to mutual friends, you may be guilty of keeping tabs on your ex.  STOP!!!  DON’T look at her facebook page, don’t ask your friends what she is up to, and completely SEPARATE yourself from HER.  If you DON’T do this, you are going to continue in misery.  Once you have gotten away from what SHE is doing, you have energy you can now devote to what YOU are doing, and your kids!
• Don’t engage in petty conflicts with her: It is a common psychological thing.  BAD  attention is at LEAST attention.  For SOME people, if it is the ONLY way they can interact with their ex, so either consciously, or unconsciously,  they SEEK OUT this conflict, because on SOME level, it VALIDATES their existence.  STOP THIS.  If there is a GENUINE disagreement over your KIDS, fine.  Fight the good fight.  But if it DOESN’T involve the  children?  There is NOTHING worth fighting for.  REFUSE to engage if SHE is the one pushing this, and, pardon the pun, divorce yourself from this practice.

Become YOURSELF again: When we go through the trauma of divorce or separation, many of us become hermits, and the things that made us HAPPY fall to the wayside.  We wrap ourselves in our pain, and stop being the person  we were.  Dads, a divorce does NOT  mean you are NOT a good person.  It does NOT mean every other woman must also see  something WRONG with you.  So KEEP doing the GOOD things that make you who you are.  If you are a joker by  mature, BE A JOKER.  If you are someone who was  into reading, and  being cerebral, KEEP BEING that.  IF you are going to meet someone who is RIGHT for you, they have to see YOU, and they can’t do that when you hide away the parts of yourself that are IMPORTANT.

Do the things that made you HAPPY: Hand in hand with being yourself is doing the things you LIKED.  If you were a person who liked traveling, KEEP traveling, if you liked playing in a softball  league, KEEP doing it!  You can’t CHANGE who you are, and what you did, because ONE person didn’t think that was what she wanted.  There are things you did that you ENJOYED.  KEEP doing them, and SHARE them with your CHILDREN!

If you think there is room for LEGITIMATE change, then make THOSE changes: Look, we ALL can improve  things about ourselves.  BUT these things are NOT drastic.  If there ARE some things you think  you can  IMPROVE about yourself, then by all means, do THOSE.  Case  in  point:  One of MY problems is it is all to easy for me to withdraw from the people around me emotionally.  I shut down and push people away if I think they are too close to me.  Trust was an issue with me LONG before my marriage.  It could be genetic, it could be ME, I don’t know.  BUT, I make an effort to check that negative impulse now.  I recognized it and countered it…this it DIFFERENT from me changing WHO I AM.

Figure out how you can make your CHILDREN happier: Look, your child, or children, are going to be having a rough enough time with everything,  so despite the fact  YOU are in pain, you need  to figure out what you can do to make your KIDS happier.  So give them routines when you have them, DO things with them.  Don’t just give them to the Wii, or the PS3, and go do your own thing.  When you have them, BE with them.  Take them places and do things.  INTERACT with them and let them know, in NO uncertain terms, that you LOVE them.  Listen to them, comfort them, and leave NO room for doubt  that they are STILL the IMPORTANT part of your life.  This WILL make them as happy as they can be, and help them get through THEIR pain.  I will use the same reference I did in my last  blog about my ex:  ANYONE will say they will DIE for their kids…will you LIVE for your kids?

Give your kids some CONTROL in their lives: This does NOT mean letting your kids steamroll you, or buying them tons of things.  What it means is letting them help make your new place a home. Let them have control in decorating their bedroom, choosing the movie you go see, helping  choose dinner…LITTLE  things.  But these  consistent times of input and choice let them know they MATTER, they have some CONTROL, and their lives  are not directionless and out of their hands.  This is VERY important.  Make it a PRIORITY.

Plan to get OUT: I am guilty of this one at times.  If you AREN’T in public, you aren’t going to meet anyone.  So, make sure you regularly are around PEOPLE.  Go hang out with your friends, go do things  with your kids  where they may also be single MOTHERS, and don’t become a HERMIT!

Get it into your head that your ex is NOT all women: Guys, when you divorce someone, that someone does  NOT represent  the ENTIRE population of females.  You had issues with ONE person, and that’s life.  It HAPPENS.  But how many people do you know who were divorced and have again found happiness?  TONS.  Be one of those people, and be ready, when the time comes, to give the NEXT woman a chance.

So these few things, dads, should be your STARTING  points to taking your life back.  Make these simple things GOALS for the new year, then figure out the details.  Lets make this year the year we learn to be HAPPY again!

Allons-y!