Dads, we usually hear alot about Violence when something big happens, such as the shooting of Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords, and the murder of the six innocent bystanders in the wake of that event.  Our hearts break when we think about how frightened 9 year old Christina Taylor must have been in the last few seconds of her life, far from her parents, dying alone.

And, as parents, our hearts break for Christina’s  parents, who innocently let her go to that event, with a trusted neighbor, to a gathering that was SUPPOSED to give her the beginnings of an appreciation for how government works.

But for all Christina Taylor will be remembered, hundreds and thousands more children and partners are murdered or injured EVERY year  at the hands of someone they  KNEW  and even TRUSTED.  MANY times, this happens in  the event of a divorce, or separation, when infidelities are discovered, abuse escaped, or life begins falling apart.

Now, I  have talked about all  of this previously, but I feel a need to stress one major point here yet again:  VIOLENCE IS NOT ACCEPTABLE.

Having  said that, I am not someone who is a wimp about violence, or thinks there is NEVER a time it is acceptable.  I have had to fight for my life on one occasion, and that person found out just how NON pacifistic I can be.  Although I am NOT practicing martial arts any longer, I did for quite some time, and between my brother and myself, we own enough guns to hold off a company of infantry.  (I do need to point out these guns were ALL inherited.  I have NEVER purchased a gun in my life.)  HOWEVER, those times where violence is called for are few and far between.  Violence is acceptable when your life is threatened, or the life of someone around you is threatened.  EVEN then, a proper response, is one that ends the threat with the MINIMAL amount of violence possible.

So we all make noises when an event like the shooting in Arizona happens.   And MANY of us look for SOMEONE to blame for these events.  Although I think I have about as LOW an opinion of Sarah Palin’s mental faculties, as it is possible to have, I find it ridiculous to blame what one person  posted on their website, for the actions of ANOTHER, mentally competent adult.  And if it is shown this idiot is NOT  mentally competent, then SOMETHING would have set him off no matter what.  Of  course, that is a  topic for another time.

My purpose here is to  REMIND newly separated or divorced fathers that VIOLENCE is NOT an acceptable response to the events that lead to the end of your marriage.

Now, if you were someone who was abusive towards your spouse, you get what you deserve, if they left you or had an affair.  Abuse is the sign of a WEAK person who has issues with THEMSELVES.  I have talked EXTENSIVELY about this issue both here and on my Facebook page.  If you abuse someone, it is ALWAYS wrong.  ALWAYS.  No excuses, no exceptions.  She, or the kids, did NOT deserve it.  YOU are ALWAYS in the wrong.  And, unfortunately, nothing I am going to write here is  going  to help.

My appeal here is to the fathers who WEREN’T abusive, but due to events, now think that  maybe they DO need to be violent towards their soon  to be ex, or even, to their children.  The news is replete with stories of  men who kill their ex, and maybe even their kids, because they feel their life is hopeless, or they want to blame someone for their lives falling  apart.

I truly do understand the desire to lash out in pain.  I have been there and I get it.  It is, I believe, a natural urge in men, to ACT to fix things any way they can.  But that urge has to be controlled, redirected, and harnessed.  If you haven’t read some of my previous blogs, believe me, I have been there.

When I caught my ex cheating, I had it all figured out how to kill my so-called friend she was having the affair with.  To be honest, it would have worked, I wouldn’t have been caught, and that would have been that.  And to be MORE honest, I STILL think the world would be a better place without him in it.  He contributes nothing of value in this world, and can best be described as a parasite that few would miss.

HOWEVER, this is NOT how civilized, GOOD people act, and at my core, I want to believe I am a good person.  So do we ALL.  Now, in MY case, I was VERY foolish and did NOT channel that violent impulse well.  That led  to my suicide attempt.

So, as you read this, don’t think I don’t get that violent impulse.  I DO,  on a VERY fundamental level.  I  redirected it at myself when I realized I would rather be good than be a killer, and that impulse needed to be directed SOMEWHERE.

DON’T make that mistake, Dads.

So use this event, and others like it, to figure out WHO you are inside.  You are ANGRY….and that is NATURAL.  You are in PAIN.  Again, that is NATURAL.  BUT BUT BUT…how you choose to ACT with that anger and pain helps define who you are at your core.  Are you a GOOD person, dad?  Of COURSE you are.  Of course you want your kids to see the RIGHT example, the RIGHT actions, and the BEST way to deal with adversity in life.

So in these early days, you have to take CONTROL of yourself and your emotions.  You have to CHANNEL the darker urges that we all have, into  something CONSTRUCTIVE.  I know I am making it sound easy, while at the same time it is one of the HARDEST things you will ever do in you life.

Its easier for me now.  Time, and the fact I have an 8 inch scar to look at on my wrist, always restrains me from my own worst impulses.  But, after I got out of the hospital, from my suicide attempt, for WEEKS, I woke up EVERY single morning, after only four hours of sleep, and my body felt like massive adrenaline was shooting through it.  As I lay in my bed, my entire body went rigid, my muscles locked and twitched, and my first ten minutes of being awake were spent fighting my own body for control.

Every morning I faced that physical battle, and the accompanying mental battle, and every day was a new fight that I knew I needed to win.  SO I GET IT.  And having come THROUGH it, I can tell you, as trite as it can sound, LIFE WILL GET BETTER.  This is NOT the end of the world, just a massive change that you have to adjust to.

So, find ways to channel your destructive dark impulses that DON’T hurt people.  If you don’t go to a gym, go out into the woods, pick up a good size stick and start smashing things.  If you can, exercise yourself into exhaustion.  Its hard to be angry ALL the time, so once you get past the initial urges, they should fade.  Do something that, although it is physical destructive or draining, hurts NOTHING.

Its simple.  If you are a good person, you are going to have a struggle between your instinct, and what you know is right.  Use all of the resources around you to go with what is right, and slam your instinct back where it belongs…into those dark parts that we never let out.  Once you are able to channel those instincts and lock them back into place, you will realize that NOTHING is served by being violent towards your ex, and CERTAINLY NOT towards your kids.

Allons-y!