Dads…its all through the news these days, especially, with what happened to Tyler Clemente.  And bullying has DRASTICALLY changed since a lot of us were kids.  I grew up in the 70’s and 80’s, so bullies were dealt with directly, if at all, but the threats were mainly physical.

Yes, teasing, the psychological component, was a PART of it, but nowhere NEAR the level that part has become today in the world of bullying.  Now, if you are divorced, or recently separated, your kids are MORE vulnerable to bullying…from BOTH sides.  By that, I mean, they could be being bullied because of the divorce, or they are already having self-esteem issues, and so are more vulnerable.  BUT I also mean they could be getting out their anger and hurt OVER the divorce by BECOMING the bully.

Neither ONE of these is a GOOD thing, Dads.  As a father, it is our JOB to defend our kids, as much as we are able.  Its ALSO our job to make sure our kids are not growing up to think it is acceptable to INFLICT pain on OTHER people, to help alleviate their own!

This needs, in either case, to be dealt with DIRECTLY.  In THIS area, dads, we NEED to be PROACTIVE.

So lets look, first, at how we can help our kids who are being bullied, then how we can prevent our kids from becoming bullies.

In divorce, as I have now mentioned MANY times, kids feel in some way RESPONSIBLE for the divorce.  And the feeling is going to persist for a LONG time.  Its not something you can deal with in a single talk, or even in a couple months. It is something that you are going to have to help eliminate over YEARS.  When they feel responsible, their self esteem is so much LOWER than it may have been at the time you were married.  As we ALL remember from being kids, the kids with the lowest self esteem can become the ones most picked on (OR become the ones DOING the most picking).  They don’t fight back, they don’t talk about it, and the situation BUILDS, until something potentially awful happens.

So, dads, you need to be doing the following:

• Talk with your kids about the divorce on an ongoing basis: By THIS I mean, letting them know they bear NO responsibility is going to be an ongoing conversation.  You are going to have to let them know AGAIN AND AGAIN it was not their fault, until they are SICK of hearing that…and then you are going to have to say it some MORE.
• Talk with your kids about ALL the things they are feeling about the divorce: You need to give them a HEALTHY outlet for all the things going through their heads.  In this, you are going to have to let yourself be a punching bag at times.  By that, I mean, you have to let them know it is OK that they are angry with you, and that you EXPECT that.  You have to let them express the hostility they feel for YOU and YOUR EX.  You can’t tell them its all HER fault, even if you feel it IS.  You have to sit there, and UNCOMFORTABLE as it is, you have to let them cry, yell, and get things OUT.  This will let them know you are there for them in ANYTHING.  IF they feel they can talk to you, they are also MORE likely to COME to you IF they are being bullied.

• Know what your kids are DOING: Dads, aside from the bullying at school, this bullying has taken on a much more vicious level, reaching OUTSIDE of school, with the rise of Facebook, You-Tube, and all of the other things brought about by the internet. You may think your kids are sitting quietly in their rooms, when in fact, they are being harassed, and bullied INSIDE the safety of their own home.  Look, you may not feel COMFORTABLE on a computer, but you NEED to LEARN to be.

1. First, don’t listen to your kids.  If they aren’t at LEAST 12, they DON’T need to be on Facebook.  There are TOO many adult apps, too much BS, and it is all MORE than they need to deal with.  I don’t care if they BEG, as my son has…stick to it.
2. Make sure you have ALL of their passwords, and you are regularly logging onto their page and LOOKING at what is going on.
3. Look through the APPS they are using on Facebook, or any OTHER social site.  There are apps (applications) like “Social Me”, “Naughty Poke”, “Sexy Poke”, and “Hot, Cute or Okay”.  Look at the PICTURES they have posted on these apps…I gotta tell you, I have seen 16 year old girls post pictures, on some of these apps, that if MY step daughter posted them…she would be CONVENT bound. I have had underage girls try to flirt with me (And I am 43 for God’s Sake!). And I know from my FEMALE friends, that underage boys post pictures JUST as bad and say some quite obscene things to women old enough to be their MOTHERS.

“Well, I am kinda on Facebook, and I am on their friend’s list.”

NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

If you said that, you obviously don’t KNOW enough about how Facebook works.  Especially with the changes FB announced this week, they can HIDE things on their pages from specific people on their Friends list….IE YOU!  They can pick and choose the things on THEIR page that show up on YOURS.  They can also be exchanging messages.  You may feel you are tight with your kids.  You may feel this is intrusive…and it IS.  But you know what?  Its not your JOB to be their friend.  It is your JOB to be their PARENT.  YES, we ALL want to be FRIENDLY with our kids…but it is our duty to be MORE than FRIENDLY.

So get ON THEIR PAGE.  Get FAMILIAR with how FB, Myspace, MyYearbook, and any OTHER social site that they are on works.  If they tell you they are playing with outfits on IMVU?  That is a PART of IMVU, but the CHAT function is a BIGGER part of it.  Make sure they KNOW that you KNOW how these sites work.  Make sure you know how to look at the history, both the browser history and the computer history, of your computer, so you can see where they were.  Learn to look through your computer’s cookies.  Learn to enable the parental controls, and HIDE YOUR passwords from THEM.  You have to be SMART here.  If you need help, surely you have a friend, or relative, who can walk you through a tutorial.

• Know your kids!: Look, you know your kids moods, when they are happy, sad, etc.  Or you SHOULD.  So if SOMETHING has changed about how they are acting, or if something is kicking your instincts about them?  Listen to those instincts!  If you kids seem suddenly scared to be on the computer, nervous when IMs pop up, if they get a text on their cell and suddenly become angry or quiet?  WARNING SIGNS!
• Be prepared to FIGHT for your kids!: Dads, it used to be you could maybe get your kids into Karate, or Judo, or something, to fight back against bullies.  But with this whole cyber world opening up, physical abilities can’t save them.  As their parent, once you find out about this bullying, you NEED to be ready to go to the school, the cops, WHOEVER you need to to make this stop.  If the school and the cops won’t take it seriously, you need to get a LAWYER.  There is a story on Yahoo News today where four kids have DIED in ONE school district because of BULLYING!    Click Here to read it.  This is something you can’t hope will go away.

It comes down to communicating with your children, paying attention to what they are doing, and noticing when things change about them.  You need to be proactive, involved, communicating, and most of all AWARE!  And things could change in WHEN this strikes.  You could have things stable, but then YOU start dating, and your KIDS have issues that THEN surface.  I have talked about THAT in several previous blogs.

Now, as I said above, it can also go the OTHER way.  Due to the anger and pain your children feel, they could be involved in bullying others.  First thing, if your child is your daughter, don’t think “Well, she is a girl. She would NEVER be involved in something like that.”  NOT TRUE.  Cyber bullying appears to be an unfortunate beneficiary of Equal Rights.  So, if you are thinking your children could never be involved in something like this?  Think again.

Here is what you need to do to prevent that:

• A lot of the stuff listed above STILL applies: So, talk with your kids about the divorce, their feelings, and be aware of how their behaviors might be changing.  Be aware of their computer habits, and be checking on it just like above.  Check their texts if you have suspicions.  You can, with MOST phone companies, get a service that lets you see their texts EVEN IF they delete them.
• Know the other parents in your school: Look, rumors get around, especially in a smaller town.  Keep your ear to the ground.  If you start hearing things YOUR kid may be involved in, don’t turn a blind eye!  If you are hearing some rumors, be PROACTIVE!  Don’t stick your head in the sand and say “Not MY kid!”
• Talk with your kids about bullying: Look, your kids need to know there are rules, and things you find acceptable and things you DON’T find acceptable.  They need to know actions have consequences, and punishments apply for BREAKING those rules.  Bring up the stories of bullying and suicide you hear on the news, stress you hope the kids that caused it GO TO JAIL.  Make sure they are aware there are SERIOUS consequences for these actions, because it is ALL to easy to feel it is not “real” if it is on-line.
• Consider counseling for your kids: Look, if they are showing signs of aggression, anger, bullying, etc., and you don’t seem to be getting through to them, then you NEED to consider counseling.  There is NO shame in it. You aren’t a QUALIFIED THERAPIST with years of TRAINING.  Better you get them into that then they end up in jail, because some kid killed themselves, right?

Dads, bullying is NOT what it was.  Be aware of this.  Its not the “Meet me outside after school.” variety anymore.  It can follow kids ANYWHERE, ANYTIME, and you NEED to be aware of this!  You need to know WHAT your kids are doing, and how they are handling their lives.  Some of this has NEVER changed.  Its a matter of TALKING to your kids, being friendly, yet being a parent.  It IS a matter of being nosy, even if you don’t want to be, about their computer habits, and CHECKING UP ON THEM.  This isn’t a matter of TRUST.  Its a matter of NECESSITY!

So be aware of your kids, their moods, their lives, their habits.  Pay ATTENTION to them.  Make sure your kids are not either victims or causes of bullying.  If they are victims, FIGHT FOR YOUR KIDS.  If they are CAUSING IT…better YOU come down on them now, then they be responsible for another child’s DEATH, and all the moral and legal consequences.

So, if you have NOT done any of the things listed above?  Time to get started, Dads!  BE A PARENT!

Allons-y!