Ok, dads, the holidays are firmly here.  At this time of year, it is ALL to easy for those of us who have gone through divorce, or who are going through an initial separation, to find ourselves feeling down, or seriously depressed, as we face a holiday that has drastically changed along with everything else in our lives.  I know several people who face this time of year with dread, sadness, and a longing for a different time in our lives when things were either simpler, or happier.  This can be even more true when children are involved, and you are splitting their Christmas schedule with your ex.

Well, as with everything  in life, ATTITUDE is half the battle.  You can let yourself be depressed, at this time of year, and  mope around.  But this will cause several problems.  First, its going to make YOU miserable.  Second, your KIDS are going to sense this, no matter how well you think you are hiding it.  (Remember, children see FAR more than we think they do, or we want them to!)  In turn it brings THEIR holidays down.  And third, attitude ALSO affects health.  So, at this time of the year, if you are down, its also ALL to easy to find yourself getting PHYSICALLY ill.

The  emotion that is BEST going to arm you, protect you, and make things EASIER for you is to get back your sense of Humor.  That’s right:  Humor.

Now, I have always had a slightly bizarre sense of humor.  Its much more British, and dry, than most of the people I know.  That may come from having grown up watching Monty Python’s Flying Circus, Fawlty Towers and other shows in that vein.  It may have come from living in the UK for awhile.  It may also just be my family and upbringing.  That’s  irrelevant.  The POINT here, is I had always, up until my divorce, LOVED having a wicked sense of humor.  I enjoyed shows that were mainly comedy, like “Who’s Line is it Anyways”, or the “Colbert Report”, and others.  My sense of humor had extended to life in general, and I always found something amusing everyday, be it dark or light, serious or silly. I enjoyed bad puns, practical jokes  that didn’t harm anyone, and just being silly with my son and step-daughter…and I LOST all of that when my divorce happened.  Looking back, I realize that I actually lost it WELL before my marriage  ended.

I mentioned, in a previous blog, that I had to force myself to go back to the TV shows and movies that made me laugh when I was younger, and watch them even when I didn’t feel like it.  I had to force myself to smile around my son when he showed some  of my silliness, and was feeling playful.

Well, humor was too fundamental to my character to stay gone, and eventually, with some work, it came back.  Now, the first holidays  after I was divorced, my humor wasn’t there, and I let myself be miserable, down about the holidays, even while I was doing my best to make sure my son sensed none of my inner  turmoil.

And, it was a lousy Christmas, my son wasn’t fooled for a second, and I was sicker than I had ever been in my life, catching round after round of the flu.  I wasn’t following my OWN rule of “Fake it till its real” enough, and even though I got my son far more presents than I should have, and he loved the gifts he got, he still later told me he didn’t particularly enjoy that holiday.

Now,  granted, going through divorce is a serious thing.  By and large, when divorce is new, we DON’T feel like getting into the holiday spirit, or having a sense of humor, and to an extent, who can blame us.  But here is another point I have made continually:  The KIDS come FIRST.  You may be longing for the Christmases of old, but  THESE are THEIR “Christmases of old”.  You only get SO much time with your kids, and THESE are the days THEY are going to remember when they are older.  These are the days THEY are going to look back on with nostalgia when they have their own  families.  This is THEIR childhood, and THEIR time to be the ones who are the center of attention.  Are you going to let your ex take that away from them?

So you need to do what you HAVE to.  This means getting past your pain and sadness, and the key to THAT is to get your sense of HUMOR back.

“Easy for you to say, you are a couple years past YOUR divorce now.”

Yup, I am, so hopefully YOU won’t be as stupid as I was, and you will LISTEN to this.  EXPOSE yourself to humor, HOWEVER you have to do that.  Watch and listen to funny things.  If you USED to be a joker, CONTINUE to be a joker.  “Fake it till its real”.  EVENTUALLY, you will find it coming back.

With your humor, make sure you CONTINUE the traditions, with your kids, that YOU loved as a kid.

So, how do we GET that sense of humor back?  Well, the FIRST thing is to remember what USED to make you laugh.  Now, my particular humor crosses alot of boundaries.  There is the innocent humor that makes me laugh, like listening to “Wait,  Wait, Don’t tell Me!” on NPR, to raunchier humor, like “Foamy the Squirrel”, who a friend recommended to me last summer, on  You Tube.  There is the darker humor I have, like the even MORE funny movie, “War of the Roses”, having now experienced divorce myself, or even watching “Phineas and Ferb” with my son.

Humor is all around us, and we NEED to remember what used to  make us laugh.  Go back to what USED to make you laugh and DON’T avoid it.  When your pain is interfering  with your sense of humor, USE your humor to push it away.  Look, we all want to think our situations are unique, that no one can understand our pain…but even in cases of an affair and adultery, like I endured, it ISN’T unique….its DEPRESSINGLY common…so USE that  to find the DARK humor in your OWN situation.

Humor is actually a SHIELD to pain.  It can PROTECT you from your own worst instincts.  So go back to the basics…what are the classics that made you laugh?  For example, I am showing my son the movie “Scrooged” with Bill Murray….GREAT to share, and a wonderfully funny movie.  When he was asleep the other night, I watched “The Ref”, a Dennis Leary, a movie that is NOT appropriate for kids, but dark and wonderfully biting.  Both are GREAT holiday movies.

My new job is one involving the public, and I am finding ALL kinds of humor in watching THEM over-react to the holidays. (I did say some of my humor is dark!)  I don’t let MYSELF get stressed, but THEIR stress, and as bad as it may sound, this has provided me HOURS of amusement this holiday season, not that I would EVER let THEM see it!

Last week, I took my son and step-daughter to Ci-Ci’s Pizza, an american restaurant chain.  I started a quiet spitball fight with my kids, using our straws.  Now, I DID make sure we cleaned up ANY mess we made, but it was the MOST fun meal we had all had in AGES.  We laughed for an hour and a half, and were COMPLETELY silly.  I am sure some of the people around us thought we were slightly crazy, but to be honest, I didn’t CARE.  It is something both my kids and I will remember.  To be honest, my dad used to act this way, and I ALWAYS was embarrassed by it…and it reconnected me to him on a FUNDAMENTAL level, even though he has been dead since 1984.  So it brought the past and present together in a way that TRULY made me feel uplifted!

And with my humor having come back, I have found that THIS Christmas is actually enjoyable!  Granted, it will just be my son  and I on Christmas morning, although we will be spending the rest of the day with friends.   Granted, I am not  in any kind of a relationship right now.  But you know what?  My son and I have done all my old traditions MY family did, we have laughed, played, and done MANY fun things…and MY attitude has been COMPLETELY uplifted by the sense of humor I have rediscovered.

Humor improves our mental well being, and by that, improves our PHYSICAL well being.  Attitude and health are inextricably intertwined.  When your MOOD is better, your immune system is BETTER.  There are SO many reasons your sense of humor is necessary to getting your life back.

And, again, as I have said constantly:  “Are you really willing to let your ex have power enough over you to STILL change who you are?”

So, go back to the basics, dads:  What used to make you laugh?  What used to let you enjoy things?  What sense of humor did you USED to have?  GET IT BACK!!!

Remember what made you laugh, remember what made you silly, and remember what made your KIDS and you have FUN!  Go back to the basics and TAKE YOUR HUMOR BACK….the rest  WILL follow!

This blog is shorter, but the fundamental KEY here is to take back your sense of HUMOR.  Learn to laugh again, and you will find the holidays are NOT the depressing  time you feared!

Allons-y!