Somethings never change… like my infertility journey. It’s long, tiring, boring and unending.

A couple of weeks back,  I had my bartholin Cyst removed surgically. I had it from years,  I myself am unsure how long I had it but I’m pretty sure I had it well before marriage. After marriage, my Husband had asked about it but, oblivious as I was to what it was,  I had dismissed it as insignificant. It was only when I went for a transvaginal ultrasound for a menstrual irregularity around a year later that the gynec said I had a bartholin cyst. All the doctors I visited thereafter suggested operating on it to get it removed. Time passed and it kept increasing in size,  but I kept ignoring it as I was too scared to go under the knife. Besides, I’d read online reviews that getting it removed surgically made intercourse painful forever and one could never get lubricated naturally again,  so, I kept dilly-dallying in the hope there would be a natural,  non-invasive, homeopathic alternative. My husband said there was no experienced female homeopath in the city we lived in and I should go to my parents’ city for treatment if I wanted to cure my cyst with homeopathy. I had consulted a female homeopath there and she had said there was a treatment,  but it would take time, upto 6 months, perhaps longer. I would have to get the cyst checked regularly,  report the progress to her and medicines would be changed accordingly. This was not feasible as I live hundreds of miles away. Besides, courier facilities do not deliver liquids, so, how would I be able to receive the medicines? So, the treatment would be interrupted if not done continuously. That’s why I was constantly in limbo.

I waited too long. Diseases dont go away miraculously if ignored. My cyst became the size of an egg, so, I knew I couldn’t ignore it any longer. If I conceived,  it would definitely  cause problems, so, a date was fixed on 15 March. On the operating table, it was discovered that the cyst was actually an abscess. I was given general anaesthesia, an incision was made,  the pus was removed but the cut had to be left open for the remaining pus to drain out. I still have to apply antiseptic liquid and ointment everytime I use the washroom. The doctor said it will take around 1.5 months for the area to heal completely and that I would have to take some medicines for a few days for the next 3 months to prevent the infection from recurring again. Intercourse has been forbidden for one month. I had called my mother to my place for a few days and I came along with her to my parental house for a few days for resting and recuperating.

Back to my infertility,  my husband has still not gotten a semen analysis done. He had promised to do it in 2018, and the 4th month of the year has begun. Somehow, somewhere something always comes up which disrupts our pre-made plans. There has to be a gap of 3 days before a sample can be collected,  so,  that always poses a problem .Sometimes, an emergency case or serious patient is admitted in the hospital, so, my husband has to be there. Sometimes,  there are unexpected guests at home. But, the main & biggest reason I think is my husband’s fragile ego.  He has a deep fear that he will fail the test,  hence,  he tries to evade it as long as he can. He also has a horrible habit of procrastinating and dilly-dallying,  I have to remind him 50 times before any little thing gets done,  but this is taking it way too far. 5 years of infertility should be enough to get a man motivated . When there’s a will, there’s a way. If a person really wants to do something,  he finds a way. But my husband always has an excuse. Whenever I confront him,  he assures me he will get it done that very week. But he doesn’t.

It fills me with deep pain that almost all the women who got Married around the same time I did have 2 kids by now. Just yesterday, I found out a cousin is expecting her 2nd baby sometime soon. She had gotten married around the same time I had but had her first baby after 3.5 years of marriage.  We had both been struggling to conceive at one point,  but she won the infertility battle and then managed to have 2 kids in 2 years. Today, I discovered another cousin who got married in December is expecting. My SIL’s SIL who got married last year is also full-term pregnant right now. My sister is also expecting her 4th child. (Technically,  her 5th as she had one miscarriage at 5th month). Another couple who got married 5. 5 years back is also expecting their first child after succesful treatments. When you’re struggling with infertility,  all you notice is babies, mothers and expectant mothers.

That’s the major difference between us and other infertile couples. Other couples take action & seek medication while having faith in the Creator while I’m unable to do anything because my husband is hibernating and waiting for a miracle to occur. Obviously, his pain is not as deep as mine. He doesn’t get pitied or judged or taunted or accused the way I do. His success is measured by how well he does in his career while my failure to achieve motherhood defines my failure as a woman as a whole. It tears me up inside,  on some days,  I feel I can’t take it anymore, I’m filled with negativity and pessimism, I feel hopeless,  yet,  I have to get up and keep going.

Will there be light at the end of the tunnel?  Only time shall tell…