i swear, i have been working on another entry. one of (little) substance and whatnot. of course, i am not very good at writing anything of substance. it's like a little curse of mine. i prefer to sit around and write cuss words until people stop thinking and start getting real ... or something.

it is an interesting curse though. i don't really know where i got it from. it's like, one day i woke up and realized that i was the center of the universe, and all that the universe could ever mean, i could only understand what it is in my perspective/reality.

dispite how enlightened that may sound, it is really quite the opposite. when you realize that the world that you understand and know only exists in your head -- and that it is scarcely similar to the true world that exists without knowlege or regard to life and consciousness (do they walk hand in hand?) -- you are left feeling horribly alone.

it's like, nothing you do matters anymore. after all, it stands to follow that if existence is only in my head, then nothing will exist after i die. and one of the cold hard truths about life is that life itself has little if any value within the context. it is only when we take life out of context (i.e. deny fundamental truths about reproduction and evolution) that we are able to convince ourselves that an individual's life matters.

this is, of course, evidenced in the common experience of one giving his/her life for the greater good. think about how this works for a second.

let's take a mother in the naturally dangerous process of giving birth to a child. of course, i make this distinction because in the modern era, where life has been augmented by medical science, it is expected that all mothers will survive child birth, and that does not serve my purpose. but sans medicine, it would not be uncommon for a woman not to survive the process.

now her existence began on the day of her cognito and ended with her death. that means that her world was created and ended all in that span of time. she left no legacy in her existence, and no legacy on that other greater existence that has no relation to life. but we can look at the life of the child, and convince ourselves that her life did matter. after all, she, at that time, gave the world a new existence.

but the problem is that the new existence will only matter in the same way that her's did, at best. it, like her's, will never impact the truer, greater existence. and therefore, it is out of the context. but at least while it is out of context, it does matter.

and at the same time, there is a larger picture. in this picture, both the woman and the child fill the roles of personifications of perpetual life and the greatness it encompasses.

what the fuck happened? i really just started rambling this time. i think my head is falling apart. and, as you can see, this is the problem that faces me. whenever i think about my own life, i am confronted by these notions that i consider to be the fundamental truths about the universe.

i feel like i am on this constant quest to figure them all out, and figure out (more importantly) exactly how they affect me and the way that i want to live my life (as living life is always an active process). but the more i get into it, the more i wonder why i even care. it's the trail head of the wonderful path known as apathy. anyway, it's nearing 4:20 ... time for me to relax and try and convince myself to sleep.