SO. I am really struggling. My motivation for this blog has completely gone, I Love writing and expressing myself on various platforms, but it's started to feel slightly over exposed, like many other aspects of my life and I am starting to feel the need to retreat. It's the winter months, the months where I hibernate in my room reading and drinking tea, avoiding human interaction as much as possible. Nothing specifically has changed, minus my mid mid mid life identity crisis and crippling lack of self esteem. I guess my perspective on the world has been ridiculously negative at the moment and I feel severely disinterested in EVERYONE. Not to mention that a fucking shape shifting lizard with dangerous ideological tendencies has been elected as the leader of the most powerful country in the world.

an accurate representation of my current mindset.

In theory, I have everything to be happy and grateful for. I have lost those annoying couple of pounds that kept making me cry, my skin is clear, I have a job which means money for my coffee addiction, my school grades are rising at an unprecedented rate for me and I have a lovely little dog. BUT, there's something in the way, like a massive wall which is preventing me from being anything other than a nihilist. I am so talented at pretending I am happy and content just so that I don't have to answer that dreaded question of 'how are you'.

Even self love and self care doesn't get me anywhere anymore. I do yoga everyday and have baths all the time and meditate and have even somewhat cured my soul destroying insomnia, yet I still feel shit? Like minus the enormous list of mental health problems I have been diagnosed with, something is just not right in this world. I feel soooo incredibly disconnected from pretty much everyone. On the surface I look like I totally have my shit together when I am actually crumbling under the pressure. I long for time alone and I hate the sound of people talking around me. I cry pretty much every other day and have started deliberately listening to/watching emotional shit. I literally love this time of year but I am such a mess?? Not even a hot mess anymore. Just a big fricking mess.

Where do I go from here? Who knows. I've had many crises in my life which I seem to have overcome so I guess I will survive. I am semi-hiding my actual problems with materialism and a love of pink pretty things. Am I fooling anyone? I don't think so. This is all very vague and dipsy but I am genuinely trying to make a point. I want to be open with my emotional baggage but it's easier to hide it in the wardrobe and pretend I care about shopping more. Honestly, though, I am so in awe of people who are getting on with their lives and doing well. With the social media age thriving, it is so easy to wipe away all issues and insecurities with a good snapchat filter and aesthetic Christmas coffee cup :') good or bad, I'm not sure. Being a perfectionist, I love having things look good, easier than people knowing the true crappy truth.

My fingers are cramping up now and I need to lie down. This has been cathartic, thanks