I found a box of red-headed Matches today and I tried to light one with my jeans.  That used to be a thing that people would do - light matches by striking them along their clothes.  I tried a few times, along my backside and down my legs, but it wouldn't light.  I then tried to light it on the outside wall but that didn't work either.  There was no head left on the match by the time I was done trying to light it.  Later on I read the box and discovered they were safety matches - very, very much safety matches.  I couldn't incorrectly light one no matter how I tried.

I think I'd seen someone lighting a match with their arse in an old black and white film.  It was probably a risky business, what with old timey clothes not being particularly flame retardant.  There was probably a person here or there who got a singed backside.  My father got into trouble as a child for sticking a lit Firework into someone's backside.  He said he had lit it and was looking for somewhere to quickly put it before it went off.  He looked around and saw another boy bent over trying to light his firecracker on the ground.  My dad stuck the firework between the boys butt cheeks.  The boy stood up suddenly, with the shock of feeling an object where no object should ever be.  He clenched as he stood up and the firework went off.  It is a funny story but its a good thing the boy didn't get badly injured.  If that happened nowadays it would be in a newspaper and someone would be sued.

"Oh look, is that our Jonny at the end of that big yellow firework?"