[Learning the 5 elements of Intimacy is part of the course of The Foundation by Access Consciousness defined by Gary Douglas and Dain Heer. This article contains the writer's own thoughts, experiments and explanation of the same merged with the laws of manifestation and attraction. The writer took The Foundation class in December 2021. If you wish to take the course, find more about it here.]

And then why are so many people dating one person after another and never find the one person they are looking for?

In this blog post, we are going to talk about all of this in detail. It was long due but better late than never.

First and foremost, make a choice- do you truly want a romantic Relationship or not?

In 2020, I had a realization that I was always this woman who was in a loyal committed long-distance relationship. I made a choice to not choose one for a change. I made a decision to figure out who I am when I am not with someone else.

If you are like who I was in 2020, you may have subconsciously or consciously decided to not choose a romantic relationship. Move along, then. Nothing to see here.

But if you aren't, and if you are looking for a true companionship - not just marriage and not just a relationship but a true fulfilling intimate relationship, you are at the right place.

You know I am going to talk about doing the inner work. And people shy away from doing the inner work because it is hard work. "You can't go to a job, make loads of money, and still do the inner work," you might want to argue. Or as a woke person on the internet you would want to tell me, "Hey, listen. You still deserve Love no matter in which stage of healing you are." Or "We all deserve good relationships."

Yes, we all deserve love and relationship no matter what. We are only human. But do you just want an average relationship? Or are you willing to create a great relationship that works for you? My best guess is that if you wanted just a marriage, you would have been married by now. It's not that hard to make a profile on JeevanSaathi or the likes and marry someone you are compatible with. My best guess is that if you really wanted love, you would be in love right now. When you open the doors to love, falling in love is the easiest thing in the world. And my dear reader, if you truly wanted a relationship, you'd be in one. Dating and relationships are not that hard too. And if you are in one and still not feeling fulfilled, here's what is lacking.

You are here, reading this piece, because you don't want to settle for less. You desire something great. You desire honest loving and a truly Fulfilling Relationship and then, hopefully a marriage. And here's how to attract one and work with one.

There are only five elements that create a healthy fulfilling intimate relationship. And no, love doesn't come in the picture. The feelings of love we get is a secretion of the hormone called oxytocin. You're going to get this feeling while you are having an amazing sex or orgasm or both (I pray you get both). You're going to get this feeling when the other person becomes a part of your daily life - your habits. Feeling loved and loving will not pass you by - love will not pass you by. Our biological body is designed this way.

What's passing you by are the real five elements of intimacy and here's what to do about it.

If you know me, you know I use this word a lot. I am always willing to walk away from spaces I don't feel honoured in or there's a chance of me or my time not being honoured. The kind of person I am, I demand honour, I even command honour.

Well, don't be like me. You don't have to. But what does this word mean in its truest sense?

People honour us when we honour ourselves. It's mutual.

In fact, a lot of things that go on in a relationship is actually mutual. We create it either with awareness or without. When another person rejects you, you can think about it further and find out how you, in your actions and thoughts, were rejecting that person too, if not verbalizing it. Same goes for break-ups. We may feel the other person broke up with us, but they might be the first person in the relationship to verbalize it while you were having doubts and second guesses on the relationship too. Our intuition and feelings are stronger than we give it credit for.

So, yes, understand that energy, law of manifestation and law of attraction - all work mutually. You can't manifest someone who is not manifesting you. You can't attract someone who is not attracting you. In cases, you feel like you really like someone, higher chances are that the other person likes you too. You attract people who are vibrating on a similar plane as you. Yes, that's true. There are no accidents. You meet people exactly when you need them and how you need them. They teach you a lesson or be a part of your life forever (if you grow together, in similar ways).

So, when you honour yourself, you attract a person who honours herself/himself too. And then when you meet, you both are secure enough to truly honour each other - respect each other's whole personality, respect each other's lifestyle, respect each other's choice of clothes, eating patterns and what not. You know the small things couples complain about each other? Those will be missing. Those will not affect your behaviour towards them. Those will not affect how you feel towards them.

A fulfilling relationship is not based on love but true honouring of each other. Tell me this is what you wanted without telling me this is what you wanted. :-D

You know the drill by now. Trust is a two-way street, and you cross this street one step after another. Not all at once. You both take one step at a time to reach middle ground. 

A fulfilling relationship needs mutual trust. Trust that the other person will not cheat on you. It also includes trusting your partner enough to know they will not change when they say they will, and they will change when they say they won't. :-D It's a bummer, right? But that's exactly how we all function.

Also, trust yourself for choosing the person you choose. Don't look for validation from all your friends and family. They think you are God's only gift to this planet so they won't validate anyone you choose. No one would be good enough for you in their eyes. But then, we all are God's gifts, right? So, trust yourself for choosing the partner you have chosen. They were meant for you, and you guys look good together.

This is my favourite element of all. It helps not only in my relationships but in every sphere of life. This comprises of the third chapter in my little book The Art of Healing.

First things first - allowance doesn't mean your monthly pocket money. :-D

Secondly, allowance doesn't mean acceptance.

Allowance is a mental and emotional space where you truly allow yourself to be you and you allow others to be them without judgement. It is a key element for an intimate relationship if you wish to stick together and then grow together or not. You allow the other person to change, you allow yourself to change. If the word is new for you, you can think of it as being open-minded. You allow yourself to change your mind, your life and then you allow the same for your partner. 

Like all things about energy, when you start to allow yourself to be who you truly are, you start accepting people for who they are too.

Allowance is a place where there are no judgements or points of view. You allow the beautiful as much as the ugly, the good as much as the bad. And trust me, when you are in that space, you won't even label things as beautiful or ugly. I am just using the adjectives to explain.

Most couples keep complaining about each other, because they are not in true allowance of each other. You like the other's 80% and the other 20% you tolerate. The trick is to just be in allowance of the other 20% without judgement.

What would you do if a snake enters the room you are in? You can try to hide yourself in a corner, but ultimately the snake will roam around the room and find you. You can try to run out of the room, but if there are no other doors than the one through which the snake has entered, you will ultimately won't be able to run out anyway. You can climb up the walls or do whatever you want, but the snake will find you when you are running away from it.

But if you just sit still and observe the snake, maybe it will hit you, or maybe it won't. There are higher chances it won't because it would sense the peace in the room and then quietly go out when it wants to. Why? Snakes hardly are looking for a human to bite. They bite in order to protect themselves because they are threatened by the panic and movement around. Do you get my analogy?

You know this was coming, didn't you? Gratitude is an important component of all relationships. People often face issues in their relationships because they forget to be grateful for simple acts - the meal you get on the table because your partner/parent cooked it, the cuddles you get, the ceaseless support you get and other stuff 😋😋😋. 

Pro-tip: Always be grateful for good sex and orgasms. Very few people get orgasms. Yes, girls talk!

A fulfilling relationship will have a lot of gratefulness towards each other. Also, remember to be grateful towards your own body that has carried you all these years, towards your own mind that helps take all the decisions, and towards your soul that decided to breathe life into your body and mind. In the end, you three work together to create your life - your body, your mind and your soul. Be grateful for all the good things in life. You know why? Because the things you are thankful for, you get to keep, and you receive more of it.

Think of it this way - when you thank your partner for making that cup of tea, they feel rewarded and their brain releases dopamine. They'd now want to make a cup of tea again for you the next day without doubts. You both release hormones that contribute to your happiness. Nothing wrong here on the surface. On the insides, try to be truly grateful instead of saying the word "thank you" because the Universe too works in a similar fashion too. The Universe doesn't understand the word "thank you" though. It understands your thoughts, feelings and emotions. It understands when you truly feel grateful.

Be grateful for all your previous partners and then ones yet to come.

This is the last element to create true intimacy. And this is where our generation fails, especially the ones on dating apps. 

We are programmed to believe that if we show our vulnerability then we appear to be weak. And nobody likes weakness. "Survival of the fittest," you say. Yes, the fittest gets the one-night stand and sometimes even the trophy wife/husband but not the truly fulfilling relationship. Isn't that what you wanted? If not, then why isn't being so strong and hiding your weakness helping you? What have you gained by being so "strong"?

When we pretend to be stronger than we are, we also spill our secrets with our energy. We want to believe people aren't very smart in matters of the heart but they are. They can sense that energy even if you don't want them to. They can sense it even if they don't know that's what they are sensing. Remember, how our intuition is stronger than what we give it credit for? They can sense your pretense from a distance. They can see that you are a weak baby trying to act distant and indifferent while if they even pinch you a little you are going to fall apart. Cute analogy but true story.

So what to do then? Show everyone how truly weak and sappy and emotional and soft you are?

Well, no.

The problem is we think being vulnerable is being weak, sappy, emotional, soft, etc.

Almost everybody feels stuff. Almost everybody has emotions. They may choose not to show it. But they have emotions. So, being emotional is just a state of your for one situation just like being logical is for another.

When you know the being vulnerable is being strong, you'll let go of your fears.

Practice it.

Because you are going to be hurt anyway no matter how strong and unemotional you act to be. It's better to be hurt when you show who you truly are because that way you give a chance to your potential partner. Then it might actually lead to something authentic.

You can't have something authentic by being inauthentic yourself. Isn't authenticity what you truly desire? You have to be what you desire. Your actions need to be aligned with who you are. You can't pretend to be unemotional and then receive all kinds of love and emotions from the other person. What would that even lead to?

In vulnerability, you allow the other person to see you for who you truly are. 

I remember going on a date and the other person said, "I don't want any commitment. Let's just go with the flow."

It was easy for me to give in to my ego and say I don't want commitment or say things that would show how I couldn't care any less. You know, modern dating becomes a game of who can care less.

Instead, I let my ego take a backseat and said, "You know what's a flow? A flow can lead to a break-up as well as commitment. It can even lead to marriage and then divorce. A flow can lead to a one-night stand as well as casual dating. It can lead to a second date or nothing at all. If you've already decided you don't want any commitment, then you also don't want any flow." Of course I explained that in simpler sentences and in Hindi. But you get what I am saying, right? We went to another date after that and drifted apart. That's flow and that was alright for me. What was not alright for me was to pretend like I don't want commitment or accept his words of not wanting any commitment and going with the flow while that definitely meant temporary fooling around. I am a busy woman, I have no time to fool around, so I decided let me not play these games and power struggles and be honest for a change. I had nothing to lose. And I also saved myself from continuing a relationship for month in the hope that it would lead to somewhere someday and it wouldn't have led anywhere.

A lot of people do this these days. They start with "I don't want any commitment" hoping that someday it would lead to authentic loving and commitment like they show in the movies. It's great if it works out that way. It does for some people.

But wouldn't the world be simpler if we just said what we wanted? Are you going to tell me that the world doesn't work like that? Are you going to tell me you can't say what you want because the other person would run away?

Then what do you want? Do you even want such a partner? Do you want a relationship where you both were not true to each other in your words and actions, and eventually you become? But what happens when the other person takes your words to be true and decides that you'll never commit? What happens when they tie the knot elsewhere because they couldn't read your mind? What happens when you are in a relationship for more than a year hoping that the other person would change their mind on commitment and marriage, but they don't?

You can decide and choose here how you want to be and what you want to say. This is just an example.

What I am trying to say is that when you say something else and want something else, you are creating inauthenticity in your relationship as well as your own body and mind. These conflicting messages block your receiving and manifestation. The Universe doesn't know what to give you, so you attract similar confused people who don't know what they want, who say something and mean something else. You are left trying to read minds and failing.

Be vulnerable, dear one. Allow the other person to see you fully and allow yourself to see the other person fully. Where can you be vulnerable if not in front of a potential partner? If you want to be strong, be strong in front of the world, not in front of someone with whom you dream of creating your own world.

Know exactly what you want, ask for exactly that, in words and in actions.

If you want to get married, go find the first person you are compatible with on Shaadi dot com.

If you want to date and see where it goes, go ask that person out and say exactly what you want.

And if you want a truly fulfilling relationship, implement these five elements of intimacy within you and hence, outside of you.

(We had better relationships when we were younger because we were truly in honour, trust, allowance, gratitude of each other and were not afraid to be vulnerable. Go ahead, look back at your life! We grow older and become more protective of ourselves to avoid getting hurt. In this process, we get hurt anyway.)

I am taking 1:1 intuitive guidance and counseling sessions till Saturday only. You can book a slot here.