"The only thing more unthinkable than Leaving was staying;

the only thing more impossible than staying was leaving."

- Elizabeth Gilbert (Liz)

I always have a tough time letting go. It's either that or just this that I see things differently. I don't let go of things because I often look inward and wonder if I can change something in me to make things "okay". Everybody else seems to be pretty fine with how things are. How could I be a special case to ask for something different, something beautiful? You see, I would rather blame myself and change myself than to simply state that I deserve something better.

When Liz wrote this quote in the Eat, Pray, Love she wrote it for a marriage that was difficult to stay in and so much harder to let go of. It's always tough to let people go, especially people who care for you yet in their own ways which are more harmful than beneficial. I have had my share of toxic relationships like this when I would recall this quote for a good few months before finally letting go.

However, I never thought I would have to use the same quote for my job too. I have two more weeks left at this organization where I have almost spent 5 years in. I feel like I was married to my organization and so have my other fellow passionate colleagues. Now it feels like a divorce- a difficult one where both parties have a tough time letting go.

My skip-level manager called me last night and asked me if I would like to extend my tenure for 3 more months. I was tempted to say yes, just like all the other times she had called - once to Offer a higher pay, another time to offer reporting directly to her, better projects, flexible location , and ideas from me what would make me stay.

I wondered what would make me stay and I could think of nothing. I wondered for what exactly am I leaving and I could think of nothing. I can't imagine staying for another day and I can't imagine leaving too. I have two weeks and the clock is ticking for me to decide what I want to do.

And it's surprising that I feel the clock is ticking because when I had put down my papers back in December I was hard-headed to take a career break, to just enjoy life for a bit, and then decide what I wanted to do. 

And now I am sitting here wondering what would happen when I leave? Who would service my laptop from time to time and who would do my taxes? Who would ensure I get my annual health check-up done and who would give me unlimited sick leaves? Who would keep surprising me with some incentive or reward points or gifts? And above all, who would credit a lumpsum amount to my bank account every month?

The reasons of staying are totally materialistic. And the reasons of leaving? 

My values remain compromised and repressed when I stay. I remain unhappy and my health doesn't improve. But the world doesn't care about that. Around 70% of the working population say that they are not happy with their jobs. 70% would account for a big number and that number has made hating your job totally normal.

My colleagues wonder why am I not normal. 

In my defense, I never was. I was always a misfit no matter where I went - school, college, workplace, everywhere.

They ask me why I can't simply stop working at a reasonable time, detach myself from work and enjoy the money in whatever is left of the weekends. I wonder if my life would have been better that way. It would have been easier for sure. But better? I don't know that yet.

A million thoughts did pass my mind last evening after the skip manager's phone-call asking me to stay back again. Am I taking all of this for granted? All these offers for me to stay, all these facilities and the money?

"When senior leaders change organizations after promotions too, how can I feel so guilty about leaving after one?" I texted my ex-boss. He is a 41-year old workaholic sincere professional who resigned last year to join a consulting company. 

"You have taken the right decision." He replied and I heaved a sigh. 

He explained how his current work timings doesn't help him take a breather. He has meetings till midnight or even later on days. The work on his plate is too much and the environment isn't great either. He is someone I'd probably turn into when I turn 40. He and many others like him.

"One should prioritize self which we never do," he added, "because of all the family commitments and lifestyle requirements." He had a housewife and two kids. He can't afford to leave a job and chill for a bit. Even if he could, he wouldn't want to because of the huge expenses, uncertain job market and all the ambitions.

I seek validation like this from people from time to time. And I receive them often from friends and mentors.

If leaving the company is a bridge then I have no idea what's on the other side of the bridge. The only thing I know is what's on the current side is not very green. It's scary on the other side and it's scary on this side.

I see people around waiting the entire week for the weekend to come. I see people who shut their work after 6pm but don't want to talk about it because they hate it. I see people working till 7.30pm and complaining about their jobs after that. Some start working from 8:30am in the morning and some reply on mails on a Sunday evening too.

I don't see myself as a person who can enjoy life while complaining about people or work. I wouldn't want that for my future. And they say, what you do today makes your future tomorrow. 

I wonder what am I going to do once I leave and have so much time in my hands. Where am I going to stay? How am I going to earn? What courses am I going to take? I have no clue because I hardly kept the bandwidth to think through or plan all this. I have a lot of ideas and I have executed none. (Oh, how I wish I had assistants to do my work). I had a few offers but I never picked up the phone to call those people and seal the deal. Will I just join a job back after 6 months? Will I be happy that way?

I am either going to kill myself with anxiety for all these questions or just going to relax into the comfort of not knowing and not planning, the way the Italians say, "il bel far niente" - the beauty of doing nothing.

The only knowledge that comforts me is knowing that there are people, smart, intelligent and rich people, who had once plunged into the unknown too and have survived pretty well.

They say when nothing is certain, anything is possible. 

For now, I can only hope so.

“What horrifies me most is the idea of being useless: 

well-educated, brilliantly promising, and fading out into an indifferent middle age.”

- Sylvia Plath