That's right, folks. Johnny Mullet, the Reamer & Writer himself, has returned.

Did you miss me?

You know you did. The sooner you admit it, the sooner I can get back to business and the better off we'll be.

So here's what's been going on in my world lately:

- My base of operations has relocated. It was a long time coming and not a short process when all was said and done, but I am finally settling in. Let's just say I didn't leave the beach, I just went to a warmer one...with less military...no military, to be exact.

- I transferred locations for my actual job (this blog doesn't exactly count as a job). Work has been keeping me busy and tired...too tired to attempt witticism. Oh well, I can't please everybody.

- After my move has been the inevitably slow task of unpacking, organizing, sorting and cleaning. Again...these are tiring activities. They take priority.

- Then came the news of a close loved one passing away, and a trip of nearly 11 hours to be there in time for the services. Not ideal by any means.

So things have been a little hectic around me, to say the least. I'll get back into the swing of things soon enough, don't you worry.

In the interest of giving you all some form of entertainment, I'll give you a few things that have been on my mind lately while Driving. Brace yourself...there's some IQ-droppers among them.

1) So I was driving along one of these local roads, barely paying attention to the surroundings, but rather the task at hand...driving (it's a novel idea, people...put the phone down and try it sometime). Up ahead was a painted sign that said exactly this: "HOT-BOILED PEANUTS". Alright, umm...whoever painted the sign needs to be bludgeoned with one of those barbed-wire bats. Remember how I talked about how that little hyphen works exactly? The first word acts as an adjective to describe the verb with better emphasis or definition. So when somebody says "hot-boiled", they are doing several things wrong:
   - Redundancy. Boiling implies hot. Very f'n hot, to be precise.
   - Involuntary Implication. By saying that, you're willing into existence the possibility of "cold-boiling". Something tells me that someone willing to attempt this will be very seriously harmed. I'll find it tough to feel sympathetic at that point as well.
   - General Lack of Intellect. If your poor grammar and kindergarten-level painting skills are any insight into how you are as a salesman, or just a human altogether, I'm amazed you make any money at all. Let's just pray your neighbors don't give you any competition because they're smarter than you and they don't bother trying and embarrassing themselves. Otherwise, they've already tried and failed, making them surprisingly dumber than you. Congratulations. You're not guaranteed to be the village idiot. The jury is still out on that one, though.

"Hot Boiled Peanuts" actually makes sense. That sounds more like boiled peanuts that are served hot. Much better. Don't add a hyphen...never go full retard.

2) I'm not a fan of terrible drivers. We all know this. I've talked about it before. Here a couple more things to consider:
   - In a multi-lane road, if you are driving behind me in the next lane, please do me a solid and make your mind up.. pass me or fall back a bit. This is a simple request, so I urge you to give it some thought. Do not coast in my blind spot. We all have blind spots. You should know where yours is, so I'm sure you are not particularly fond of those individuals that make it a point to stay in yours. There's a damn good reason they call it a "blind" spot, meaning there is no reason you should be in it.
   - If I see you are going too slow, and I'm approaching your back bumper, that would be your cue to move the hell over to the slower lane so us good drivers can be on our way without you impeding progress. If you don't move over, then I pass you on your passenger side, and then you decide to change lanes behind me, please explain...why bother? Did it only occur to you that your driving speed is exceeded by a slug travelling uphill when someone just blew your doors in? If I didn't know any better, I'd say you should be painting signs for "hot-boiled peanuts".

3) I saw a dealer's decal on a car the other day that made me laugh out loud. It was simply named "Dick Smith". First of all, make the decal worthwhile and tack on " 's Used Autos" or "Auto Traders" or something to that effect. Think about it...locksmiths are great with locks, gunsmiths with guns, and so on. What do you want me to think when you say Dick Smith? Who would want to be known as a Dick Smith? Definitely not this guy. I guess we should be thankful, though. It didn't say "Dick Smith Infiniti". I might have crashed my car while doubled over in laughter. You would have too...don't deny it.

That will be all for today. Check in again soon. Reamer...out.

D.