It's that time again!
It's time to ridicule the teams across the nation that, I believe, have some of the worst nicknames/mascots on the planet. I've already covered Major League Baseball, the NHL, and the NBA, and today I feel the need to 'tackle' the NFL and Ncaa Teams. Now folks, please understand how many NCAA teams there are to sort through. If I miss a few that you find to be hysterical or just plain nonsense, well...start a blog and post them. I could always revisit the topic, but I'm covering as much as I can at once here. So here we go:
It's time to ridicule the teams across the nation that, I believe, have some of the worst nicknames/mascots on the planet. I've already covered Major League Baseball, the NHL, and the NBA, and today I feel the need to 'tackle' the NFL and Ncaa Teams. Now folks, please understand how many NCAA teams there are to sort through. If I miss a few that you find to be hysterical or just plain nonsense, well...start a blog and post them. I could always revisit the topic, but I'm covering as much as I can at once here. So here we go:
FOOTBALL
- Green Bay PACKERS - This is such a weak name for such a strong team. They were literally Named after a local packing company. They pack...wow. You'll notice I won't name the Steelers as being on this list, but that's because the production of steel has been far more crucial to the architectural, automotive and technological industries than packing. Besides, their name is pretty vague: are they meat packers, fudge packers...? Sorry, I had to.
- Miami DOLPHINS - One of the most harmless creatures of the ocean would hardly be a concern to me if I were matched up against them. Nobody was afraid of Flipper. Nobody. Perhaps the Sharks would be better. Maybe the Defectors instead. Believe me...more people are afraid of defectors than you might think.
- Houston TEXANS - Horribly unimaginative. Just like the Islanders, Mets and Phillies, there was next to no thought put into their name. It's the equivalent of a term paper turned in by a procrastinating high School stoner that wrote it the night before. They should have called themselves the Houston Aliens. Now there's a double entendre: spooky outer space creatures or just illegally crossed the border to steal your jobs. That's right, I said it.
- Cleveland BROWNS - Although it is commonly thought that they were named simply after their first head coach, Paul Brown, it turns out that it's shortened for their intended name: the Brown Bombers. I wish I was even capable of making that up. That was the nickname of the famous boxer Joe Louis, but nowadays that's a slang term for...well...dropping a deuce. Nobody wants to be on a team of pants-crappers. It's no wonder everyone calls them the Doo-Doo Browns.
- Dallas COWBOYS - I will start by saying yes, I am biased. There...now that's out of the way. First of all, cowboys aren't exactly what they used to be. They used to be in Westerns, Fighting Indians (Native Americans for the sensitive), and they generally had a badass image. Nowadays, they're viewed more as ranchers, farmers and line-dancers. They have lost the intimidation factor entirely. Interesting fact: the first group of Cowboys cheerleaders included dudes. No other team had dudes in tight outfits cheering for them on the sidelines. Kinda gay.
NCAA TEAMS
- Augsburg AUGGIES - Needs no explanation. Terrible.
- Boston TERRIERS - Really? They chose the name simply because of the breed of dog? They're like midget bulldogs, or just roaches with radiation poisoning. Plus, it's Boston. Enough said.
- Brooklyn BRIDGES - It's almost upsetting how bad this is. First of all, Brooklyn is far more badass than to be just a bridge. Second...there's only one Brooklyn Bridge. Pluralizing it literally makes it nonsense.
- Campbell FIGHTING CAMELS - Should be Spitting, not Fighting. Oh, and humps are not scary by any means.
- Centenary GENTLEMEN and LADIES - ...why?
- Colby WHITE MULES - ...because the grey ones are much lazier.
- Delaware FIGHTIN' Blue HENS - Female poultry. Suddenly, I'm hungry.
- Evergreen GEODUCKS - Just look up what a geoduck is...eww.
- Endicott GULLS - The flying rats of the sea.
- Hofstra PRIDE - You can't be a proud. It doesn't work like that. It doesn't just become a noun because you want it to.
- Illinois FIGHTING ILLINI - Lame.
- Illinois (College) BLUES - Lame.
- Illinois State REDBIRDS - Illinois sucks at this.
- Jamestown JIMMIES - Maybe one day, I'll stop laughing at this one...maybe.
- Lake Forest FORESTERS - Surprisingly not named after the Subaru vehicle.
- Maryland TERRAPINS - Turtles. Terrapins are turtles. That's it.
- Nebraska CORNHUSKERS - Might as well be the Cornholers.
- North Carolina School of Art's FIGHTING PICKLES - Fucking art freaks.
- Pace SETTERS - Wow.
- Pepperdine WAVES - Add the word 'Tidal', and you'll be off the list.
- Puerto Rico TARZANS and JANES - Tarzan like bad name.
- Presbyterian BLUE HOSE - Blue hookers? How did they become blue...oh...not those kind of hoes. My bad.
- Rhode Island ANCHORMEN - You mean like Ron Burgundy? If only...
- Rhode Island School of Design NADS - You mean like testicles? You art people are weird.
- Rosemont RAMBLERS - Nobody likes anyone who talks too much.
- St. Bonaventure BONNIES - Weak.
- St. Louis College of Pharmacy EUTECTICS - Even when I looked this one up, it was still unworthy of being a team name/mascot. So strange.
- St. Peter's PEACOCKS and PEAHENS - Fruity name, period.
- St. Thomas TOMMIES - ...
- Scottsdale ARTICHOKES - Worst name ever, yet could be one of the best mascots ever. You'll see.
- Slippery Rock THE ROCK - No, not the Sean Connery/Nicolas Cage film.
- South Carolina GAMECOCKS - When people call you the cocks, it's not because they're cheering for you. Somehow, you'll never get that through your skulls.
- Tennessee VOLUNTEERS - Quarterback Tyler Bray was quoted as saying, "I'm paid to win games." Doesn't sound like a Volunteer to me. Amazingly idiotic.
- Texas Christian HORNED FROGS - Ribbit.
- Texas A&M AGGIES - Short for 'Agricultural's. Again...nonsense when pluralized.
- Trinity Christian TROLLS - So weird.
- Tufts JUMBOS - Jumbo whats?
- UC Santa Cruz BANANA SLUGS - Slugs are just filthy...and slow...and weird.
- Utah UTES - Dammit.
- Virginia Tech HOKIES - Even the school I attended can't escape criticism. Every explanation given as to what a hokie is...sucks. It makes no sense. Even the previously named Fighting Gobblers makes more sense. Oh well...I still root for them.
- Virginia Military Institute KEYDETS - Why the play-on-words?
- Wabash LITTLE GIANTS - Oxymoron...emphasis on moron.
- Wake Forest DEMON DEACONS - See Wabash.
- Webster GORLOKS - Literally made up. At least there was effort involved here. Still lame.
- Western Kentucky HILLTOPPERS - Their mascot makes even much less sense.
- Wichita State SHOCKERS - Awesome college name...hardly appropriate.
Rhode Island School of Design Nads...seriously...testicles.
Scottsdale Fighting Artichoke
Western Kentucky Hilltopper...what the hell is that thing?
That about wraps it up...especially on Scrotie the Nads. I hope you all are enlightened as I have become. If not, you need to be.
D.
