I was reading tons of articles about whether or not the statement of “once a Cheater, always a cheater” is true. Obviously, I am actually reading other people’s opinions because, hey, there is no solid science to this.

I think there is a huge difference between being cheated on as a one night stand with no emotional involvement, and your partner having an actual “affair”. I’ve discovered through my experience that definitions are important to understanding the problem.

I don’t believe all cheaters lie.

I believe some cheaters have genuine remorse. I believe those people CAN learn from mistakes and make changes in their lives.

I also think there is a huge difference between cheating at 19 and cheating at 32.  Sometimes we’re young and stupid and don’t understand the consequences of our actions yet. But after 25 when the brain has finally matured (hopefully) I feel that the rules of relationships should be understood.

So, let me lay down my experience and I hope this post gets some traffic because I would love comments and opinions on this topic.

Both my partner and I are over 30 and met at 27. My mother was terminally ill with kidney failure, dialysis, sepsis, and over the course of 6 years during this relationship she got worse and worse. I mean gangrene worse. I mean multiple surgeries, colostomy bag, and dementia worse. It was a very painful experience beyond anything I have known and it literally was dramatic and changing daily. Eventually, she passed away but throughout the whole experience, I was praying for a peaceful passing as soon as possible. Not for myself, for her. She suffered too much.

My so-called boyfriend spent two and a half years toward the end of my mother’s life cheating on me. He used damaged (more than 2 had serious mental health problems) and young females; he lied to them and lied to me. He cheated on me with a female for 10 months and then cheated on both of us with other girls. He joined the Hookup Culture head on and took part in egotistical locker room talk to brag about it to his male co-workers.

Most of the girls he was with considered themselves to be feminists. They were having sex with no strings attached, on first dates, and so on. Let me say that I consider myself a feminist but I do not support the hookup culture because I don’t feel it’s empowering to women at all. I believe we’re empowering men with it. The hookup culture is to their benefit more than women. But that’s a whole other post based on my opinions. I will add this… feminism should recognize that the hookup culture IS making it easier to cheat. And you should realize that people lie, so that fella you meet for a hook up on Tinder may be someone’s husband, fiancé, boyfriend, etc.

In all, he cheated on me with 12 young women. Some were as young as 20. The oldest was 27 and still 5 years younger than him. One girl was in a long distance relationship, one was married with kids. He has called them sluts, stupid, and several of them didn’t bathe on a regular basis. However, I do not blame ANY of the females. He lied to them as much as me. He told at least 3 for sure that he loved them. He called them all the same cute pet names he called me. He took 2 girls to meet his parents. He spoke of marriage and having children to them which he claims was a general discussion. Even if it was, if a guy does this the female immediately believes it is relationship talk.

He used Facebook like a predator.

He added tons of females as friends just based on their photos. Some girls were college girls at his job and waitresses. But Faceboook was big for him. He’d try to make the girl believe they were friends before and after his exploits. All of this took place over a 2 and a half year period of him just going wild. He had unprotected sex with several of them, even with one who told him she was a sex addict and never used condoms.

He was also a substance abuser. Mainly an alcoholic, but dabbled in lots of other drugs too for fun. He worked as a cook and it was also a part of the fast-paced kitchen culture. Even his boss was snorting coke in the bathroom during shifts… he claims. Currently, he is in an outpatient rehab but only because I tattled on him to his parents. And there are parental issues that exist too, not to mention that it’s obvious to me that even they are sick of his shit.

I was always suspicious.

I did confront him on a few occasions. It did create and cause me to distance myself from him emotionally and intimately because I knew something was going on. Multiple times during our relationship I told him if he wanted to see other people all he had to do was tell me. I knew the situation with my mother was awkward for him. I knew that was holding us up from really moving forward in the relationship. He could have done the right thing; I made it possible and simple for him by offering it.

He never has come clean with me; he lied about stuff from the time we met. He misrepresented himself from the get-go. Also, I caught him in the cheating and he’d still lie. I’d find out more, he’d lie again. The truth trickled out to me, but it never came from him. I became a super sleuth. I spoke with most of the girls. None of them actually wanted to be put in that position. Pretty much every girl ended it with him. He never came to his senses or did it to repair our dying relationship. Even his so-called friends (other addicts) turned on him when they realized who he really was.

He is “trying” to change now and make changes to get me back. It’s too late for me though. His change/s will be great for his next girlfriend maybe. He has years of therapy ahead of him. I had him get a psych evaluation and there are multiple issues (diagnoses) he needs to confront and deal with. He’s also incapable of empathy or understanding anyone else’s point of view.

Last night he texted me after his rehab group where he had to admit to things to them. Lots of boohooing and apologies but all of it is a regurgitation of things I had expressed to him. He’s trying to feed me what he thinks I want to hear and I can see through all of that now. He has more entitlement than remorse. Even people in his group told him he was grandiose, cocky, and too reserved which offended him.

One a cheater, always a cheater?

Fuck yes. This guy is not going to learn or change for long. He’s ruined himself with drugs and alcohol since he was a teen – half of his life. He’s never grown up, never been a man. You don’t have covert relationships with multiple women and emotionally abuse them with lies and manipulation and come out of it with a normal view of relationships IMO.

Once a cheater, always a cheater…. For a one time, one night stand with immediate honesty and remorse? Seems more worth saving, or at least trying. Still not sure if it will work or not.