Do you understand what a Midlife Crisis is and why men get it? Yes, I will only cover men and not woman because I am a man and cannot see it through a woman’s eyes. I don’t even know if women get a midlife crisis. But maybe it would be better for woman to read this report to understand their husbands, brothers and fathers better and to help them get through it with some dignity.
To understand men’s midlife crisis’s we have to start at the beginning and not where the midlife crisis starts.
We often think that a midlife crisis happens suddenly, it just creeps up to you and “Bang”, got you, but this is not true. A midlife crises actually starts when we leave school. The day that you looked forward to for 12 long years. Great years, I may add
When you are 18 you’ve got plans, big plans, for your future. You are going to change the world and make it a better place to live in. Well, maybe just for yourself.
You are going to make big bucks, millions of them. You can already see the mansion you life in. The sports car. You know exactly what model and colour. You Dream about that sexy blond you are going to marry. No children yet, just you and the blond. You see yourself travelling the world and see places others only dream of. Oh, life is great!
Can you still remember the feeling?
Then suddenly you turn 45. What the hell, where did the last 25 years disappeared to?
The other day my wife told me that our eldest son is turning 30 on his next birthday. It was a shocker! If my son is turning 30, how old am I then? I should be 30, not him! I don’t feel any older than 30. Maybe even 20 but certainly not 50.
It is at this point that men get, what is called a “midlife crisis”.
Can you guess why?
It is at this stage in a man’s life that every man takes a good look at his life. He takes stock. He stops, turn around and look backwards. I always think of the song of Credence Clearwater Revival named “Looking out my back door”. It is what we actually do, looking out our back door.
Imagine looking back over your life and what do you see?
Nothing!
Everything is just a big blank.
It is then that you remember all the plans from your youth, your dreams. What you are going to accomplishes and now that you look back, there is nothing.
You can’t even remember your kids growing up. Yes, you did go to their games and stuff. But how was he when he was 10 years old. What did you do together?
It is now that a midlife crisis steps in.
Now you want to change your life to reach those goals you were thinking of when you were young.
Now you want to buy that sports car you dreamed off when you were 18.
Now you forget about the love, tenderness and caring of your life long partner and start looking for that beautiful blond you dreamed of in your teens. So you upgrade to a younger model as with your car.
Somewhere along the line we lose sight of our dreams and goals. Where did we stop looking towards our goals or did we choose to ignore them?
Now we want to fix our life’s as quickly as possible because the road ahead is much shorter than the road behind us.
We never think about retiring when we were young. Life was a “joll” and as we enjoy life the years slowly walk pass us and we don’t even notice. Our dreams slipped away.
Maybe it is because we fell in love and our number one priority is the girl in our lives. We need to give all our attention to her to “catch” her. A few years pass. Then came the children and some more years pass.
If you are at this point in time in your life, you need to accept it and move on even if it is not too late to change anything. Just enjoy the ride as you have done the last 30 years.
Or…
Make your changes. But take small strides at a time, plan and stick to your plan. Take small steps but keep on moving. Never lose sight of your goal.
Resist the midlife crisis by concentrating on the things you did well. Look at your children and grandchildren. There must have been some time in your life that you felt great pride or very good about yourself.
I always wanted to have my own business but never got to it or maybe I never had the guts to start a business. But both my children do have their own businesses. It is not something that I wanted them to do, but something of their own choice. I wanted to be able to sing but with a voice like mine, I don’t have a change. But my granddaughter can sing, really sing.
I look at these things and realize that God granted me all my dreams and goals.
How do you assist someone with a midlife crisis?
Usually a man with a midlife crisis feels depressed or a failure because he didn’t reach his dreams.
The first thing to remember is to get the person to realize that their dreams may be unrealistic. You must remember that you were only 18 when you made them and surely not very wise.
Try to make new goals and dreams. You will now be better to make these decisions because you are much wiser, and, well, older. You have learnt what is possible for you and what not. Think about this example:
If you would go to a grade 2 class and ask them which of them can sing, they would probably all stick up their hands but if you go to a grade 12 class and you ask them the same question, only one or two will put up their hands. What went wrong?
What to teach your children!
We should teach our children to have dreams. We all should have something to work to, a dream, a goal. But instead of letting them forget their dreams let them set up an action plan. It should cover his/her whole life. Say from 18 to 80. Teach them to stick to that plan and that they will deviate from it from time to time but their action plan will bring them back to where they need to be.
One thing you can do is to teach your children not to make the same mistakes that you did. Teach them to never lose sight of their dreams, never to do anything that will not take them towards their goals and dreams. Before they do anything they should ask themselves: “Is this thing that I am going to do or what other people want me to do, taking me towards my goal?”
If not, they shouldn’t do it. It doesn’t matter what the world and their friends think or expect of them. Friends should try to respect a friend’s opinion and the way a friend see things. Also what is important to that friend.
Teach them that there will be new goal and to work it into their main goal.
Let’s say that one of your children want his/her own business and let’s assume he/she want to own a restaurant.
The first thing they need to consider is the subjects they take in school.
The next step is to go and work in a restaurant to learn all the ins and outs of the business.
The action plan should cover each year of his/her life with a goal for each year. At the end of a year he/she will be able to consider other steps to take if their goal wasn’t met. They will be able to see their growth year in and year out.
When, someday in the future they look back they will be able to see everything they have accomplished.
No midlife crisis for them!
To your recovery.
Lukas Engelbrecht
