I heard the other day that some smart bastard had invented a funnel system so women could pee standing up. This could change the world, because the way we pee has a big impact on how we behave towards each other. Consider this: while women get to pee in the privacy of a cubicle, men have to swing it out in front of each other and perform (pee) on cue. A woman can take her time, sit there for as long as she likes, and if she doesn't do anything, no one knows. A man, however, is in the spotlight. Although it's bad form to check another guy's penis out, your periferal vision sometimes picks up a shadow of a man cursed with a humongous schlong. Some men, my wife informs me, have penises which do not have a great distance to go between flaccid and fully extended. Some, like me, have fully-retractable, "Go Go Gadget" penises that stay neatly tucked away until they have a job to do and then they extend fully to the required length. This extension requires some hint of sex, just a hint. But does not apply in the pee-ing process. So we Retractables are at a disadvantage in the pissoir when it comes to letting it all hang out. But all men are equal when it comes to "I can't go..." It happens at times that you feel like it, you get to the edge of the urinal with penis in hand and... nothing. You wait. Nothing. If it's really busy, like when you just got off a flight and they are queuing up to go, the pressure is really on to perform or get out of the way. There are several tactics one can employ in these situations. One is to whistle, pretend to go (no one behind will know, only the guys beside you, thus limiting the embarrassment), and then shake, put it away, and walk away to the wash basis as if everything has happened as it should. I don't use this approach. I turn to the startled pisser beside me and say something like: "It said it wanted to go, then it changed its mind. It's started to think like a woman." This usually gets a silent response. Another tactic I use is to think of a giant waterfall crashing down onto rocks. That usually gets the flow flowing. WHy is it that society decided that men would piss in public, in the company of other men, and women would piss in private? Bring on the funnels, I say. Give 'em equality. They still have the option to duck into the cubicle. Some men do this as well. Perfectly alright. In doing so they are saying, "EXcuse me, chaps. But I'd prefer it if you didn't see my enormous whang because I don't want to depress or intimidate you. Carry on." Or something like that.
By the way, pictured is the men's loo at the Sofitel, Queenstown, New Zealand.