Saturday 2nd Jan




Rob wakes up and announces he’s feeling ‘Krom’. Kate thinks this is probably a good time to go to the gym. Whilst on the crosstrainer, surrounded by grunting Afrikaaners, she contemplates what she has learnt so far about her new compatriates.



From what she can gather, South Africans fall into several categories.



• Poor Blacks. These apparently make up around 90% of the population. They are largely uneducated and either have no job, or work in supermarkets or gas stations. Despite Apartheid having ended 15 odd years ago, some of these unfortunate buggers still live in shacks in townships outside of the major towns and cities. Kate sees them as she’s driving, walking along the roads with their kids. Most don’t have cars and travel in what Rob calls Kaffir Taxis, which seem to be driven by loonies. These white minibuses scare Kate and she’s often hearing horror stories about them crashing and killing all their occupants.

Despite their low social status, Kate finds these people to be very friendly and always smiling. The gardeners and security guards on her estate always wave at her and Rob has made friends with a guy called Wiseman who he keeps threatening with Kate’s leftover curry. Wiseman came to the door with a pair of Mason’s tiny pants that had blown off the balcony the other day.

Indeed, the big old African mommas seem particularly taken with Mason, and whenever Kate is in a shop, they laugh at him and sweep him up to nestle against their ample bosoms, clucking and fawning as they whirl him round . Kate finds this amusing –if a stranger grabbed Mason in the UK, Kate would screech at them and do her best to club them unconscious in defence of her tiny cub. Here, she has no problem with these lovely old women carrying him off to look at stuff in the shop she happens to be in. Mason endures these occasions with his little paws clutching at their vast mammaries and a beatific smile on his face.

Also in this group are what Rob calls the ‘Scabengas’; basically good for nothing crims who survive by picking pockets, mugging, robbing and hijacking from the whites. Kate has seen these little gangs in Johannesburg, hanging around at traffic lights and pestering people in their cars, but they don’t seem to be as bad in Durban and definitely not in Balitto.



• Wealthy blacks. This group are better educated than the poor blacks, but only just. They have benefited from ‘Affirmitive Action’ and hold jobs that they aren’t trained for, resulting in a generally crap service in banks, offices and any establishment requiring any kind of admin. This seems to make their white co workers ever so slightly pissed off that they are receiving comparable wages to these people, who have only got the job in order to fulfil a government quota, not because they are in any way capable.

Kate doesn’t understand why the new black government didn’t spend money on schools and education when apartheid ended. Rob says that the government was as corrupt then as it is now and siphoned off the money meant for the ‘New South Africa’ and spent it on big cars and houses.

This group of South Africans certainly aren’t as friendly as their smiling poor black brothers and Kate has hissed and cursed at many an arrogant fat arsed black woman as they have knocked into one of the kids when walking about town and just turned up their nose at them. Now that they have achieved a relatively equal status to the whites, this little group seem to have acquired a massive chip on their collective shoulders. They remind Kate of the teeth kissing, race card players that would shoulder barge their way around the Whitgift Centre back in the day.



• White ‘Englishmen’. Rob falls into this group. Kate doesn’t know enough about South African history, but apparently some Dutchmen had some big old barney with some Englishmen, but they still all ended up here anyway and shat all over the natives for years. The Englishmen still have a dodgy accent but English is their first language, although all South African kids used to have to learn Afrikaans at school like the Brits have to learn French or Spanish. For some reason, this lot, when they are about 25 yrs old, all bugger off to England, settle down in Earlsfield, knock up our women, then come back to the Motherland when they realise that England has shite weather and everyone is a miserable bastard. Unfortunately, some really should have kept it in their pants and come back with more than they bargained for. Ha Ha!!



• White ‘Dutchmen’ or Afrikaaners. These are a funny lot. The men are usually fat and red faced and sport a dodgy mullet. They wear weird little moccasins called ‘veldskoens’ and usually play rugby. They speak a version of Dutch, which sounds far too much like German for Kate’s liking. She’s glad it’s not compulsory in schools any more as she’s sure Granny and Grandad wouldn’t approve of Charlie and Mason speaking the language of the Hun.



Most Afrikaaners are very religious and have very well disciplined children. Rob says that dating an Afrikaans girl was fairly pointless – you could never get your leg over as their dads’ where always waiting on the porch with a shotgun in a rocking chair whenever you brought her home.

These people are kind of blonde and Scandinavian looking. Most of the young girlies are what Charlie would describe as ‘Hotties’, unfortunately, once they get married and have kids they begin a rapid descent into sagginess and the caking on of trowel loads of hideous orange make up. Bit like the Italians really.



• Indians. There are hundreds of these guys in and around Durban. They’ve obviously been here for generations, but Kate doesn’t get why they’d emigrate from India to South Africa during Apartheid. Kate guesses they would have been classed as ‘blacks ‘ during that era, but there don’t seem to be any Indian townships like there are black ones. Rob says that during apartheid they got preferential treatment and were allowed to buy businesses etc to help he economy. The Indians seem to do well for themselves and if they have the same work ethic as the ones in the UK, that may well explain the lack of Indian ‘Scabengas’. Kate has found them to be a bit arrogant though, especially the women, who are on a par with the wealthy black women for looking at her and the kids like they’re boils on the arse of their country. Charlie especially has developed a dislike for these large, sari clad females who walk in front of him in huge family groups of at least five abreast at about 0.4 mph. Their kids are especially odious. Charlie can’t abide a bratty child.



• Coloureds or ‘Cape Coloureds’. Kate doesn’t really get this lot. They’re obviously mixed race, but Kate has never seen a mixed couple walking down the street together – it just isn’t done, (not like in bloody Croydon!) From what she can make out, they are the progeny of affluent white men and malaysian womenere’s more of them around Capetown, hence the name.

Rob seems to find these people highly amusing and imitates their distinctive accent. Kate has also heard a radio advert taking the piss out of them and has come to the conclusion that they are a bit of object of ridicule over here – a bit like the Irish or Chavs are in England.



Kate returns from the gym. Rob appears to be genuinely poorly so she takes the kids out for the afternoon to give him some peace. Upon their return, Rob is stumbling around claiming that there were five monkeys sitting on the kitchen counter looking at him. Privately, (given Rob’s tendency to exaggerate) Kate thinks that a single monkey probably popped its head up over the balcony for a look.

As she goes outside onto the balcony for a sneaky fag however, one of her stolen tampax is hurled at her from an invisible assailant on the roof. The monkeys obviously want war.