Today the Infertility wound is raw and gaping. Infertility is an issue I deal with everyday. Not a day passes that I don't think about the baby we want to have who has not yet joined us. Everday it burns, but somedays, the wound is worse than others. Somedays it is at the back, today it is in the forefront.

I want a baby so badly. Erik would like one, but I don't believe it is the same for him as it is for me. It eats me up inside. I am sad for myself, and I am sad for my son who grows older every day without the pleasure of having a sibling to grow with.

I know that somehow, I must figure out a way to let go of it, to give it to God and trust that we will have all of the children we are supposed to have, one way or another, but I can not do that. I want to but I just can't get there. Somehow, it is much easier for me to believe that if we could just do those infertility treatments, it would happen, but right now, there is just no way that we can manage to pay for even one infertility cycle, and of course there is no guarantee that we can get pregnant after just one. In general, they say to expect it to take several. We did one a year and a bit ago, and it was heartbreaking when it did not work, especially since the doctor made a mistake that may very well have been responsible for it not working.

It just frustrates me to know end that what so many people have to work not to have happen, we have to work and pay money to have happen. For us, having a baby becomes a major expense because not only do we have to spend the money for the infertility treatments, but then we are faced with the normal bills that people have bringing a baby into the world... hospital or midwife, either way means expenses.

We'd happily adopt, but for what it would cost to adopt, we could get pregnant AND have a baby, we could do about 3 infertility cycles and a pregnancy for what it'd cost us to do a private adoption.

Somehow I'm going to have to come to peace with it all... I just don't know how.