Last February I joined the mormon Church, and excluding telling EVERYONE at our stake conference, I've told almost no one the story, so I decided to post it here. I've been avoiding it because I know a lot of my non-LDS friends are going to think I've wigged out and lost it when they read this story, but it is true. A few of you are REALLY going to think I've lost it, because I suspect a few of the people reading this don't believe in personal revelation (that God speaks to us today), in which case you'll probably think I'm off my rocker), but I've decided that's okay too. I know God talks with me and He has since I was a young child, even though I was raised in a church that taught that He did not, I always talked with Him. I've never discussed it much with people for fear they'd think I was crazy, but I've decided over the last few weeks that I not hiding anymore, because by protecting myself I hide a big part of who God is in my life. So, here is my "conversion" story, and in the next post, I'll tell you a bit more about what is going on.

This is adapted from the talk I gave at the stake conference last April, when the story was fresher in my mind. I've pulled out a lot of the "lesson" things that were in it and taken it back to the raw story, you can take from it what you like, even if that is just knowing a bit more about me and who I am than you did before. I wish I could find the original edition because I had to cut a lot out to fit it into the 10 or 15 minutes (can't remember which it was) that they gave me. I've tried to add in the details I remember, but it has been a long time. If I'm ever able to locate that original I'll repost.

To give you a quick background on myself, I was raised baptist until I was about 11 years old, at which point my family moved and stopped attending church. As an adult I've attended several churches of different denominations, learning what I could from each, but in the end leaving each feeling like there was still some piece missing. Eventually, I stopped attending church, choosing rather to study and learn on my own. I was frustrated, and felt as though there was no church out there that really understood the loving God that I had come to know. Each church had valuable insight on who He is, but there always seemed to be important gaps in understanding who our Heavenly Father really is, especially when it came to His love for us.
So, I studied and prayed on my own, and learned about the Lord from the Bible, from prayer, and from the lessons He taught me through personal revelation. This worked okay for me, but I missed the fellowship of other Christians, and once I had my son, I really missed the opportunity to have others supporting the things I was trying to teach him.
I wanted to be part of a church community again, but at the same time, was rather hesitant to join a church because my experiences within churches had often left me frustrated. They seemed like a breeding ground for backbiting and gossipping, rather than the home of the type of fellowship I was truly looking for. I wanted to go to a church where I could help and where I could learn from others.
With all of this weighing on my mind, I went to the Heavenly Father in prayer asking for His help in getting where He wanted me to be and for Him to send someone who could better help me understand who He is. I had a lot of questions for Him, but there were two things that kept coming up over and over:

------- The first, that He would show me who I could help. That He would allow me to serve Him by serving His people. I know that each of us has a purpose here, and I wanted to fulfill my purpose. I have never found more joy than those times I have been able to help others on their path. But, being pretty new to town and not knowing many people, I really didn't feel like I was in a place to come in contact with those who I might be to help.

---------My second prayer was that He would send me someone, a friend or mentor, or someone that could help me find a friend or mentor that could better help me understand some of the things I was having questions about, those things that although He kept showing them to me, I just couldn't seem to wrap my mind around. Someone who I could speak openly with about my beliefs and experiences, or someone who would help lead me to such a person or people who knew the information I was searching after. )

I prayed this for months. Almost every time I did a woman, who I had just recently met, through a playgroup my son was in, came into my mind. I knew that it wasn't coincidence, but I really didn't know what I was supposed to do. I couldn't exactly just walk up and start asking her why God was showing me her. I couldn't imagine doing something like that. Knowing that the Lord knows me and how hard that would be for me, I couldn't even imagine that that would be what He was telling me to do. So I asked God to open up the door for us so that we could discuss whatever it was He had in mind.

She was a member of the LDS church, I knew that, and I was not really sure that I wanted to go to a church, and not really knowing much about the beliefs of the church, I was sure that the Lord had just sent me the friend or mentor I had asked for, and that she just happened to be LDS. It didn't even occur to me at that point that He might be sending me to the church.

Anyways, months passed and we became better friends, but we didn't discuss religion at all until late January or early February. She and I were chatting on the computer, as we sometimes do, and we started discussing our personal beliefs. She asked me many questions about what I believed, and she was really surprised that so many of my beliefs were so close to her own. In fact I distinctly remember her jokingly asking me several times if I was sure I was not LDS.

I was surprised at how accepting she was of my beliefs, even those that I knew weren't the same as hers, and those that I knew most churches would not teach.

Because we had spent so much time discussing my beliefs, and she had not really told me much about what she believed, other than that we had a lot in common, I was curious about what the church taught on several of the issues we discussed.

Nothing motivates me like curiosity, so the next day I spent hours online looking up what the church taught about several topics that were important to me, so that I would better understand my friend's beliefs. It's amazing how many wonderful resources there are on the internet about the teachings of the LDS church.

I was quite surprised to discover how closely the teachings of the church aligned with my beliefs, especially some of those that are not taught in most Christian churches. I had never before heard of a Christian church that believed in the pre-existance, and knew of only a few that believed in personal revelation and that God communicates with us still today. It was exciting to learn that my friend held some of these beliefs in common with me, and made me even more curious about the church's other teachings.

Still, despite all of this, I wasn't sure if the Heavenly Father was leading me towards the church, or had just sent me a special friend who believed many of the same things as me so that it would be easy to share and uplift one another.

A couple of days later when I saw my friend, she gave me a copy of the Book of Mormon, the Doctrine of Covenants, and A Pearl of Great Price, she was obviously nervous to give them to me, in fact she was afraid that I'd be offended, which made me all the more appreciative that she would take the risk to give them to me.

That night I sat down with the intent to read in them a little bit, but strangely found myself unable to even open them up. I felt as though the Holy Spirit was discouraging me from reading them, which concerned me some, so instead, I spent some time in prayer.

I knew the Lord would provide the guidance I needed so that I would end up where He wanted me. As I sat there that night near tears, praying and praying to the Heavenly father. I was overwhelmed with questions and at the same time felt overwhelmed by this incredible love for the people of this area, and felt an intense urge to serve His people in any way that I could. The burning inside of me was so strong, I knew that this prompting was coming from Him. It may seem like these are odd things to have going on at the same time, but I knew that until I was where He needed me to be, I could not do anything for those He wanted me to be a blessing to, so the urge to help drove me on to find out what I was supposed to be doing.

I prayed for His guidance, and prayed for help understanding where He was sending me and what He was wanting me to do and where I was even supposed to start. I told Him that I knew He was leading me somewhere, but that I really felt like He was going to have to hit me upside the head with it because I just wasn't getting it.

I asked Him if He was sending me to the LDS church, and then sat there in the quiet for a moment, awaiting an answer. The answer I got was really not the direct answer to my question that I had been expecting, but what He told me was that He was going to send me to a church that would meet my physical, emotional, and spiritual needs, and that would be a place where I could be of service to His people.

I again asked, is the church you are sending me to the LDS church? are you wanting me to join the mormon church? I really was not sure if this was the church He meant. He told me to calm myself down and stop being so overly anxious (something I frequently here from Him). He then told me to go and see the head of the local LDS church and see if I felt like I could submit myself to the authority of the leaders of the church. Which sounds easy enough, but I have a thing about ministers... they give me the creeps, so this was a major request, and I knew He knew that. He told me to talk to my friend and haver her set it up, so that is what I did, and having her along for the journey did make it much easier.

Now you would probably have thought that would be enough, but I'm stubborn, and I wanted all of the information right away. I felt very uneasy about the idea of approaching a minister at a church that I knew almost nothing about. Besides, if He was planning on sending me to the LDS church, why was I having so much trouble trying to read the Book of Mormon when I had tried?

So, I asked Him if this church really understood Him and knew the truth of who He is, because I only wanted to go to the church that knows Him and can teach me everything about Him and who He really is, not just some of the truth, but everything there is to know. If I was going to go to a church, I wanted it to be the church that knows everything.

His answer took me off guard. He told me that no person (or church) is capable of truly understanding who He is while they are here on earth, because He is more than our earthly minds are capable of understanding. But, that the LDS church had information and understanding that no other church had, information that He wanted me to understand.

I was a little surprised, but feeling pretty good because now I was starting to feel like I was pretty sure of the direction He was sending me. But I suddenly had a million more questions come popping to my mind. I started by asking him “ So, The Book of Mormon and this Joseph Smith guy, are they real? Did You really send them?” I honestly was just expecting a simple yes or no answer, but He did not answer with words, but rather with an amazing vision, more clear than any vision He had ever shown me before. He showed me just who they were.

I saw Joseph Smith in the grove, kneeling facing two men. The light there was near blinding it was so bright, and yet it didn't hurt my eyes to look into it. I saw two men, one of whom I immediately recognized as Christ, the other I believed to be an angel (the church teaches that this was the Heavenly Father). The light that shone from them was so bright it was hard to see them clearly through it.

Facing them, I saw Joseph Smith, kneeling there on the ground, he too was surrounded in light, although a fainter light. I immediately knew who he was, and understood that he had been specially chosen for this task. Long before he was born, he had been the one chosen to start this church, he had been chosen as a prophet of God.

I then saw Joseph Smith, translating the Book, that had been hidden for so long and protected so carefully, waiting for that very time and place to carry it's special message to the people of this time.

One of the most amazing things though to me, both then, and still now today, is the realization that Joseph Smith had chosen to do this. Knowing in his heart that it would be an incredibly difficult road to follow, both physically and spiritually. He could have said no, and gone about his life, I doubt anyone would have blamed him. I know there are times when I've been asked to do much simpler things, things as simple as having a conversation with someone, and have not done them because they seemed to hard, yet here he was doing exactly what the Lord asked of Him, even though it would not be an easy task and was sure to bring the attacks of every evil Satan could muster. That must have taken a courage that we can only imagine and just thinking about it makes everything the Lord asks me to do seem so simple.

After He showed me Joseph Smith translating the Book of Mormon, He showed me some people coming onto this continent for the first time, a very, very long time ago. I now assume they were Lehi and Nephi, although at the time I didn't know who they were. Even though I didn't know exactly who they were, I did understand that God had sent them here to protect them, but more importantly for us, He had sent them here to establish His church on this continent. It was clear that along with their personal ministries, the Father's plan was that they would lay the path for the church that would come later. I saw how they brought the teachings of the Israelites with them, and I understood that their writings and the writings of those that came after them were the ones in the book given to Joseph Smith. They had written those things specifically for Joseph Smith to translate so that we could better understand the Heavenly Father, and have the guidance we need in this time. It was an amazing thing to see, and understand, and I was overwhelmed by all of the trouble God had gone to once again in order to make sure that His people would know what He wanted them to know.

What I couldn't figure out though, was why, when there were so many churches around at the time of Joseph Smith, why did He start a new one to bring forward this information rather than use one or all of those churches to teach the people what He wanted them to know, why was a new church necessary?

To answer this question, He showed me His special plan for this church. He explained to me that the there was an element of corruption in the beliefs of the other churches of that time that kept them from being able to fully understand what He wanted the people to know, and that were causing confusion and strife amongst His people. In fact many had all but abandoned Him in their attempt to be religious. He helped me to understand that His plan for this church was that they would protect His truth in this world, they would be the protectors of love and purity, and those things which He holds most dear. That this church was given the task of protecting the family, the key example of His love on this earth, until Christ returned again, because without family, there is no way that we could even begin to understand his unconditional love for us (He told me even more about this later on another night when I questioned some of the rules that He has given this church but no others).

He told me that when Christ returned, this church would have a very special role, and showed me some parts of what that role would be.

I came to understand that so many of the rules the church had that I had heard about but that really did not seem to make much sense and even seemed wrong to me were put in place to protect the church from becoming corrupt both from the outside and from within.

After He had finished showing me all of this, I was able to begin reading the Book of Mormon, and better yet was able to read it knowing that it had come from God. I opened it up, and the first thing I saw at the front was the story of Joseph Smith and how He was visited by Christ and the Heavenly Father in the grove that night. It was thrilling to see that confirmation of what the Lord had just shown me. Despite the fact that it was now about 3 in the morning, I had a terrible time getting to sleep that night, it was like trying to fall asleep on Christmas Eve when you are a child, the excitement was overwhelming.

The next day, once the initial excitement had worn off a little bit, I felt humbled and a little overwhelmed that He wanted me to be a part of this. How could He possibly think that I was capable of contributing something worthwhile to this incredible plan that He had. I was happy, but a bit overwhelmed by the entire thing.

With the help of my friend I was able to get an appointment set up to go meet with my ward Bishop, about a week or so after all of this. We felt that he was the one who would be considered the head of the local church. It was very important that I meet with the Bishop and not the missionaries initially, although I can't explain why.

To you, it probably sounds like an easy enough task, go and talk with the Bishop, but I was a nervous wreck. I had absolutely no clue what I was supposed to say to him when I got there, or how he would respond if I walked into his office and told him that God had sent me there, my friend reassured me that he would not think I was insane, but I wasn't totally convinced. Top that off with the fact that I had the worst struggle with self-doubt that week that I have ever had in my life, and my dear friend who was helping me with all of this was feeling horribly sick. I didn't know how I was every going to do this, but figured it must be very important since Satan seemed to be pulling out all the stops to keep me from going, knowing that I dug in my heels and dragged myself there. Although I have to admit, I was a little frustrated the the Heavenly Father had told me to go talk to the Bishop, but hadn't told me what I was supposed to go talk to him about!

Fortunately, the bishop was very patient with me. Ironically, by the time I actually met with the Bishop, I already knew that I was going to join the church. I met with him briefly, and shortly after began the missionary lessons.

Before I began the missionary lessons, I did not want to be baptized again, as I had been baptized before and it was causing a real conflict for me, so I spent a great deal of time in prayer. God told me that I should go ahead with the baptism, He wanted me to go to be a part of this church and I would need to be baptized to do that. I think my friend thought I was a bit crazy because I was insistent that I had to make up my mind before the missionaries came. She kept reassuring me that I wouldn't need to know that right then, but I knew that I did. Sure enough, on their first visit they asked me if I would like to be baptized, but by that point it was not an issue, the night before I had come to peace with it. Two weeks after that I was baptized and accepted into the church.