Okay, so first let me say Mea Culpa, mea culpa- which for you Phillistines means "I suck"- it can also be translated as "My bad, yo!" I promised to write after we reached 2,000 visitors to the site (Yeaah boyy!)...but then I didn't. So, mea culpa. I have, I am bemused to say, been busy- beyond my wildest dreams. First I needed a job, then I got the job, now I am the job's b****. My hours have been crazy, the people surreal (not my staff- they're cool... and remind to tell you in a bit how I got a staff.) And I've been loving all of it when I haven't been feeling like I need to go howl on the mountain. ( Yeah, I know- no mountains here-sigh.) I am really feeling challenged here for the first time in a while- there are constantly programs to plan, schedules to do, staff to oversee (Yessuh, Boss!) and what I love and have missed the most- kids to interact with. My job is to help people read (and use the internet, copy, do research, volunteer, and occasionally teach parents how to be better parents-an awesome gift and responsibility.) And I'm loving it, except when I'm so tired I can't breathe, have anxiety attacks, and feel the need to drink. (But more than half the bottle of vodka remains in the fridge-go me! okay, maybe a little less than half.) Playing the role of adult, consultant, expert is really, really hard. And I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, for someone to realize that I don't know what the hell I'm doing, and boot me out the door- kind of like when I first started teaching. Everyday I waited for someone to realize I had no experience and ask why the heck they had hired me? I endured long hours, and training, and seminars trying to make myself a better teacher- trying to be what the job needed me to be. And I'm still doing it- training and all, seminars, trying to be a leader to a staff I wasn't supposed to have (my manager got promoted, y'all- yay for her! Oh sh*t! for me)- Suddenly I have a staff, a department and I'm interviewing another employee this week. I hate that kind of stuff. I'm used to being in the background and I'm okay with that. All I jwanted was to do puppet shows for kids! And tell them to read Susan Cooper books-(great books about wizards before Harry Potter was a brain storm in Rowling's head. Before the death threats come, I love Harry too, but the series is over! Live with it!)
Suddenly, I'm responsible, again, for something bigger than myself- to people other than myself- not my bosses-- but my kids. I get to be a teacher, without a lot of the limitations teachers have. But with freedom comes responsibility. If I want to create great programs for tweens, teenagers and kids and infuse them with a passion for reading, I have to make schedules. I have to plan, and program, and beg for funds. I have to act like a clown for little kids, and figure out how to make books cool for older kids and do it all on a budget of hundreds of dollars-like 200 dollars, folks. That's just enough to pay for program materials and bookmarks and suckers for after. I have to be a politician again, and position myself on committees, when I'd rather just talk to kids about books. Having a purpose again is so hard..but meaningful. I don't want to be in the limelight, be a boss, be the Man...I really don't- but if it lets me inspire one more kid to read, I guess I'll learn if not to like it, at least to hack it with the best of them.
*Again, sorry for the late posts. I'll do better, but don't try to guilt trip me- you're still not the boss of me!
okay-maybe a little :)