...And yet, I cannot think of life without you!


Greetings Kind Reader,

Yes. I know it's been a month. Yes. I know you think I'm going to use the same excuse as always. And yes, I know you're probably rolling your eyes thinking Once was tough, Twice was tougher, but come on - I need you and your rambling!

Okay, so maybe you're not thinking those exact thoughts, but it makes me feel good to think that you might be thinking about me and my rambling. And isn't that what it's all about folks? Taking a frown and turning it upside down? Which is exactly why I tell myself, They care. They do. It's not just in your head. 

Of course, if it were all in my head - I probably wouldn't care what you thought because you might not actually exist and I might be sitting in a softly padded room with a box of Crayolas and nary a piece of paper in sight. And that really would drive me bonkers.

Because if there's one thing I simply cannot pass on - it's got to be grabbing a fresh Crayola, maybe something like a nice vibrant red like 'Torch Red' whose perfectly flat, virgin tip hasn't been touched by human hands and scribbling across some paper...

Wait. What's that? Did you just tell me that 'Torch Red' no longer exists? WTF! No! How is that possible?

Oh, okay. So it's not really gone they just changed the name to 'Scarlet'. Thank the Lord! I was getting worried! And dang it when I rip into a giant box of 64s and...

Hold up!

There are HOW MANY colors available? 120? What the -- ?

No wonder kids today in America are scoring lower than countries like China, Finland, and Canada. (Seriously, Canada? Does it really count as a different country? Yes, their flag might have a Maple Leaf on it but when I'm watching a TV show that's supposed to be 'set' in the United States only to learn later that it was actually filmed in Canada, I'm gobsmacked. Giant conifers in British Columbia look exactly like giant conifers in Washington State. Coincidence? I think not!

And when I found out that Seth Rogan, Jim Carrey, the Ryans (Gosling and Reynolds) are Canuks, I had a hard time believing it. So, I'm sure you can probably imagine my shock and the inevitable sound of my jaw hitting the floor when I found out that Nathan Fillion of Castle, Firefly, and Dr. Horrible's Sing-a-long blog fame wasn't American. It was loud. Thunderous, even!

I'll admit I was concerned for a while. After all, they're soooo American it's hard to believe they're actually aliens (not the kind with antennae - I mean the ones with Green Cards ... unless they're here illegally - GADS!). And when one uses the ancient Mallarduckamus method of logic wherein - if it looks like a duck and it quacks like a duck then it must be a duck way of thinking then I say - Canadians are just as American as I am. Unless their French Canadian and then - well, that sort of throws a wrench in the works.

But I digress. Back to all those Crayola colors.

What is Crayola thinking? In 1903 they only had the basic Black, Blue, Red, Orange, Yellow, Green, Brown, and Violet (which to the lesser informed is also called by its peasant name ... purple) and it was awesome.You'll notice there were no white Crayolas mingling with that colorful crowd. (But then again, why would you need white since most paper is ... White?)

It took some time - and a bit of prodding but eventually by the end of the 1950s, Crayola had incorporated White into its boxes. And they were up to 48 colors living in peace and harmony within those boxes. Although, there was a color called 'Prussian Blue' that was changed to 'Midnight Blue' because apparently since Prussia no longer existed - its crayon had to go, too. Oh, and there was a color labeled as 'Flesh' that was a soft, peachy shade and created quite a stir because it was kind of, sort of  'racist' to people of color. Personally, I think it was a smart move to have changed it to peach because I'm pale to slightly darker than ivory (according to Cover Girl's color chart) so if I were doing a Crayola self-portrait in 1959,  I'd probably have had a breakdown thinking 'Is this really how people see me? As a big ol' fuzzy peach?' (Hey, I was born in Georgia. I know peaches. And while I may affectionately be referred to as a 'Georgia Peach' I, Kind Reader, am not a peach. I think of myself more like a nectarine.)

When the 70s came along - the era when I was born, Crayola introduced colors like 'Raw Sienna' and 'Raw Umber'.

Come on now - I know you're thinking it so I'll just say it ...

 What the hell colors ARE those? And does that mean there should also be colors called  'Well-done Sienna' or maybe 'Medium Rare Umber'?

AAACK! You cannot introduce a color as 'raw' and then not have a 'well-done' version, too. Incidentally adding the word 'Raw' is a game changer. Heck, whenever I go to a restaurant and read the menu it clearly says 'ingesting raw or under cooked meats may be harmful or fatal'. So, does that mean there should be a warning label on Crayolas? After all, why else are moms and dads putting their kids artwork on their refrigerators if not to keep it at a safe viewing temperature?

And now - now there are 120 standard colors? But we can't forget the special metallic colors. And special florescent colors. And the special shades of flesh from alabaster to pitch.

GEEZ! And as if the cornucopia of colors wasn't enough to drive a kid  in America bat-guano bonkers, they also have to worry about whether or not the raw colors in their crayon boxes are safe to handle. Then, of course, there's the trauma of choosing the right color for their art. Take Green for example. There are something like a dozen different shades of green in a box of 120 crayons. It makes me weep for them to think of how they must struggle with the inner turmoil created when deciding between Spring Green and Green Yellow.

Then to top it all off, Crayola intentional makes children ponder the notion of self mutilation on a near daily basis because there's that damn built in sharpener. And sometimes it's sooooo hard to resist the temptation of stick one's fingertips into that thing. Not that I've ever done that. Okay, so maybe I did it a few times. But I stopped after like the fifth or sixth time. So far I've been 37 years, 5 months, and 2 days 'BIS -Built-in-Sharpener-clean. It's a daily struggle but I get through it. Although sometimes, when I get a whiff of a freshly opened box of Crayolas, I'll admit it - I feel the urge to stick my pinky in that sharpener.

Honestly, what genius thought of putting a sharpener on a box that kids use? Yes, I know it's plastic and 'safe' but if Jason Borne can kill a man using a Bic ball point pen, then I'm sure I could slice off my fingertip with a device designed to slice!

Kind Reader, I'm sure you understand where I'm coming from, don't you?  Come on. You know there's a certain special feel when one runs a virgin crayon like sky blue across a medium to color in a sky.

But for Pete's sake - it takes a lot of sky blue to color the sky blue! Meaning that when the crayon hits that wrapper, which pretty much stops the coloring process, Crayola die hards like myself have to work like a deranged person to rip off enough of the entirely too thick wrapper so I can stick the crayon into the sharpener. And then by the time the crayon is refreshed enough to finish the sky, when it's done, it's returned to the box. Only after it's been worn down, stripped of its label, and whittled down - it's too flipping short to get a hold of the next time a person gets an urge to color a sky blue. Unless one were to decide to go with 'turquoise blue' which is so totally not 'sky blue' that before long tantrums are being thrown followed by crying because that kid knows it was her OWN fault she's out of 'sky blue' and that essentially she's screwed herself because all her friends are going to notice it's turquoise blue and will shun her forever.

Or until a new box of Crayolas appears so she can begin the viscous cycle of color, peel, sharpen ... again.
This I call the Crayola Paradox - Virgin crayons with that distinctive, never been used, flatten tip can only be fresh once, unless they're refreshed which reflattens the tip. But does simply refreshing a Crayola really create a new Crayola?

It's madness I tell you. Pure madness. And that Kind Reader is what's really the reason for our falling test scores --- too many color options --- it scrambles young minds. And a scramble mind is not a good thing.

So, damn you Crayola! You and all your colors can drive a person insane. But I can't live without you, Crayola because there are crayons and then there are Crayola crayons.

And with that, I leave you Kind Reader. Now go - ponder the Crayola and its role in your life.

That's all I've got for now. Til next time!