Greetings Kind Reader,

I Am Here - Really I Am.

Of course, you've read that before. And I would be here - for a day or two, then I would be gone for weeks and weeks.

Why?

I had so many excuses. (And yes, they were all really good, valid ones)

But as of today, I have no excuses left. (Well, I'm sure there will be occasional 'I was too busy' or 'I was sick' sort of excuse but none of the long, drawn out 'I was doing this and because I was doing this I couldn't do that and since I couldn't do that - I couldn't blog' sort of excuses)

So why now?

Because now it's just little ol' me hanging out during the day at my house because my beautiful, super talented daughter (yes, I am biased but she is truly beautiful and I kid you not she's very talented) has gone off to college. It's over 4 hours away from home - and yet, it's STILL in the state of Texas. (Well I should point out that my mother is here, but she's busy watching her shows and enjoying being in her mid70s so she's not the 'crux' of this post!)

Her going to school (including the months long process of her graduating high school and getting ready to go off to college) is the main reason why I've been AFK from WASWR -

How can that be? Other people who write or simply have blogs have kids who go off to college all the time and they don't stop writing or blogging. So what made me just sort of turn off that 'I think I'll write or write a blog today' switch?

I think it's because I've felt depressed for the past few months. Sort of like I knew this moment (my daughter heading off to school - away from our little nest) was creeping up on me and I was so worried about it actually happening, I kind of stopped doing things that might inadvertently remind me of it.

Which is really weird because that sort of meant 'stopping doing things that made me happy' like writing!

But hey, depression is weird like that. (And yes, I do suffer from depression and I'm being treated for it - have been for years. I look at it as a medical condition - kinda like diabetes - you have it, you deal with it and things will work themselves out... you don't and things go really screwy really quickly)

And it doesn't help that I have an autoimmune disorder (Fibromyalgia) that flairs up when I get stressed out and/or depressed.

Because elevated stress from depression leads to anxiety that leads to fibro pain that leads to anxiety then to depression which elevates stress. Sometimes it's like living in a giant tangled ball of yarn. Which can be, and you can quote me on this one, a real bitch.

Of course, my daughter going off to school isn't the only change in the house.

My husband has a new job (same corporation just a new group/position) that he started TODAY.

He's excited. Nervous. Anxious. And yes, he's also feeling sad because his little love dove has flown from the nest and isn't just a hop, skip, and a jump away.

So of course, I feel all anxious and nervous and stressed for him because just like I want my daughter to have a smooth transition into college life, I want him to have a great transition. too.

Geez, if only that overly pleasant lady at our 'prenatal parenting sessions' had said,  'One day, the beautiful relationship you're making with your child will be pulled and stretched and sometimes it'll hurt like the dickens BUT if you just keep on moving forward and reaching out to those who love you, you'll be just fine ... eventually'.  That would have been a pretty good lesson to learn.

Instead we learned 'Now we're going to take in a deep breath together and hold it for 3 seconds...now let it go, slowly.'  Heck, I didn't even need to know that breathing stuff considering Jessica was born via C-section and Todd and I knew from the time I was at 5 months with her it was going to be that way! UGH.

You know what's roughest, I can't even really imagine how fatherhood feels for my husband. One day I said, "Hey, I'm pregnant." Then Jessica was born and he was like 'Well, now what do we do?"

(Yes, we had all the books - we were weird like that - I swear I think I could have written a damn book about the stupidity of all the books we read - most of which were filled with the sort of stuff that actual parents who work actual jobs and don't work out 4 hours a day don't even care about)

And now 18 years later, the little girl about whom he once (and I kid you not) asked when she was about 6 weeks old and sound asleep 'When is she going to do something? All she does now is sleep. I want to play with her' has headed off to college.

Then one day she was suddenly 'doing stuff' and he was so excited. Being a Dad really agrees with my husband - that's not true of all men, but for my husband it was, is, and always will be 100% true.

We were there to experience it the smiles, tears, boo-boos, and cheers. And now - she's not here in our house even though she's still doing the stuff that brings smiles, tears, boo-boos, and cheers. It's frustrating because just like that <SNAP!> her 'childhood' was over.

And now we're like 'Damn, what did we used to do before she came along?'

Which brings me to the joy of technology.

Now I know there are some people who hate, hate, hate all the technology in the world. They say it removes us from the human quality of life. And yes, if you live wholly through your electronics then that's not healthy ...

BUT

At least I can literally tell my sweetie either with Facetime or a simple text 'GOOD MORNING!' and I can send her a video of her cat being his annoying cat self or our dog being little miss lazy bones. I can tell her GOOD NIGHT! (Something that is super important to me because every single night for years and years she's come to my bedroom and said 'Night!' then given me a kiss) I might not get to kiss her forehead but hearing goodnight is good enough for me!

And she can tell me what's bothering her when it's bothering her, what's making her happy when it's making her happy, and what's she's having for dinner when she's having dinner. She doesn't have to hold anything in because she thinks no one will listen because she knows her dad and I will always be there to listen.

But most of all we, he dad - me - and, of course, she, can tell one another 'I LOVE YOU' in our family chats. Those truly are the most important words in the world - no matter what language you say it in, no matter what your race, no matter what your religion, NO MATTER WHAT.

And that, my friends, is when technology works to bring us closer together.

All this reminds me of when I went off to college - I just went. Sure, I could call on the telephone - but it was long distance and I didn't want my parents to spend money unnecessarily. I could come home on the weekends - every so often and then spend a few hours talking around our table. But somehow there was a disconnect - like I was having to remember all the things I wanted to mention and then I felt bad when I realized I didn't mention them after I left.

And I now know the same was true of my husband's family. He was an only child and when he went off to college (just like our daughter is) I know for sure that his mom was like 'Well, damn, he's gone. Now I have to wait for him to come home - if he feels like it.'

That totally sucks. Makes me wish I could go back and redo some of the weekends where we just sat around doing nothing instead of going home to see our respective folks. I wish I could. But I can't. Nope. You can't take back those days gone by.

So, to Jane and Ralph, and to my mom and my late father, I feel like I should say 'I'm sorry we didn't come to visit more often. Neither one of us realized then that it wasn't easy for you. But now we do.'

Yes, Todd and I are lucky in so many ways. We have a daughter who loves us and who is following her dreams. And thanks to our various electronic devices today - we can not only chat as a family but we can even do things like watch our favorite shows TOGETHER but 100s of miles apart. And there's nothing like watching my daughter as she watches a show she loves. It's a hoot.

So there you have it - a wholly honest, kinda sad - but filled with hope message from me to you.

I'm jumping back into writing with both feet, well, hands really. My brain is swimming with ideas and my fingers are connecting with those thoughts like mad and finding their spots on the keyboard like they were never gone.

My husband has his new job - my daughter has a world of new experiences just waiting to be had - and I have a drive to write and not just to write - but to be published.

And now - I think it's time to dry my weepy mommy eyes and get on with doing what I said I'll do!

Until later my dear, Kind Reader. (And hopefully not too long from now either ... oh, and WAY less boo-hooey, too!)