Ready? Here we go.
NCE upon a time there lived a beatnik. He liked to do many beatnik things -- dress in black, play bongos, recite Allen Ginsberg -- but this beatnik also had a secret love: fishing. Every chance he got, he'd slip off into the wild and fish for all manner of wiggly critters.
One day, while out fishing, he caught a beautiful ten-pound salmon. He was a disciple of the "hook 'em and cook 'em" school of fishing, so he whipped out his handy beatnik pocketknife to make him some filet-o-fish, when he discovered to his great astonishment that the salmon flesh, instead of being a typical rosy orange, was a beautiful golden color. Catching several more salmon in the same area, he discovered they all had the same beautiful golden flesh.
Immediately he took the salmon home to make some delicious dishes (as you do). He tried roasted salmon and poached salmon and salmon almondine, but best of all, he cut paper-thin slices of salmon, layered them with dill and salt, and pressed them under a heavy weight. His beatnik friends went wild over this dish, even giving him a nickname based on his salted pressed salmon, and encouraged him to sell it to stores and "make a little bread, man."
So the beatnik went to his local deli, which was run by three very uptight brothers. He tried to sell them on his favorite salmon dish, but they were having none of it. "Our customers won't eat salmon if it's such a strange color!" they cried. "Be off with you, beatnik!"
So the beatnik went home and served his delicious pressed salmon dish to all his friends, and told them his sad tale of woe.
And that is the end of the tale of Goldie Lox and the Three Squares.
Oh, stop it! Groaning is good for you!