I learned of the children's writer Grigorii Oster just recently. How could I have missed him? His Harmful Advice: a book for naughty children and their parents is just a delight. Unfortunately, it's only in Russian and from what I can see has never been translated into English. I could look at the illustrations for hours!

Oster has such an important take on our reality. Maybe he should take things further and write a book, "Healthy National Ideas" and convey the joy wrought by people living under democracy and other "humanistic" ideas?
Below are translations that of course cannot do justice to his poetry. I'm not sure they are funny in English translation. I think Oster started a very big conversation with this controversial book. I heard that children can cry from his stories. Maybe they aren't really meant for kids.

Oster, according to a report on the Runet, is collecting folk examples of harmful advice from around the world. I can't wait!

Я на днях впервые услышал про Григория Остерa. Как же такого великого человека пропустил мимо? "Вредные советы"- вот ЭТО должна быть программной книгой в школах. Что же дети мучаются с Достоевским, Толстым, Буниным итд.? А иллюстрации бесподобные...

И жаль, что он не существует в переводе на английский. Впрочем, я не уверен, что его юмор передается в переводе. Правда, я сделал скромную попытку, что-то передать.

В сети сообщают, что он собирает материал о народных Вредных Советах всего мира, и это будет оформлен в виде книги.

У Остера такое ценное видение нашей реальности, может быть он пойдет дальше...напишет книгу "Полезные национальные идеи", напишет о той радости, которым людям по всему достается от демокрации и прочих "гуманистических" идеях?















Any child who gets lost
Should remember
that he'll be taken home
as soon as he says where he lives
You gotta be savvy
Say, "I live by the palm where the monkeys swing
on some faraway islands."
Any child
with an ounce of streetsmarts
will not give up this chance
to visit other countries.











Once you take on your dad
or your mom in battle
Try to surrender to mom
Dad don't take no prisoners
And be sure to check out with mom beforehand:
Does she remember that the Red Cross
prohibits whipping kids bottoms with a belt?











Recipe book

Bullies oven-roasted in their jackets served hot with badasses
Reheat the badass, and once warm throw him a few bullies with smashed (fermented) noses. The bullies are usually served first and then the badasses are served peeled.

Breads made from children who ask "why?" too much
Many tasty and filling dishes can be made from such kids if instead of answering their questions you roll them into dough. First, though, you should seal their mouths shut with high fat cream.

Teacher's pet in syrup and cream
Pour a thick cherry syrup over the teacher's pet and decorate with cream roses. Eat small servings to avoid nausea.