When it rains in the city, some urban peacocks will fan out the full breadth of their plumage in the form of so-called 'golf' Umbrellas.  There may be hundreds of people vying for extremely limited canopy space on the sidewalk, but this bourgeois contrivance will scatter them all into the nearest puddle like some kind of nylon scythe.  I swear I've seen $4 umbrellas shredded to pieces by one of these things.  Such menaces should only be permitted if they are covering at least four people--I demand umbrella-pooling laws.

Needless to say, whoever is carrying one has a really small penis.  Yes, it's always a man.  With a really small penis.