Yesterday I saw two huge raccoons in our driveway. No big deal if you live in the suburbs but a very odd thing to see in the middle of Los Angeles. Am I wimp because I don't mess with raccoons? It is funny, I have seen them up close countless times in my life (many of the homes we lived in when I was a child were on the edges of the "woods'). It is funny, I was more anxious about my encounter with the raccoon yesterday than I was when I had a "run-in" with a Bear and her cubs last year. Strange, huh? Maybe it was because I was holding my baby yesterday or maybe it is because I am a human and we aren't always the most rational beings.
Run in with a bear, you say? Many of my friends know this story but I think it is crazy enough to repeat here. My Wife and I were hiking in the Sequoia National Forest back when we used to hike (new parents should smile right now). We had hiked much further than the average tourist and before we knew it, we realized that we hadn't seen another person for about an hour or so (should that have been a warning). We were having a great time checking out the largest trees ever when we started hearing a weird tapping. So, naturally, I walk over to the nearest normal sized tree and start tapping a similar rhythm (joking with my wife that I have just found the second Ivory -Billed Woodpecker - NPR drove us crazy with this story)... Suddenly, my wife said that she thought she saw something out of the corner of her eye - I continued to joke about the woodpecker when my wife got very very quiet.
I looked up and realized that we were about 25 yards away from a black bear and her cubs. My wife started to run (exactly what they tell you NOT TO DO).. I grabbed her by the nape of her neck (sort of like she was my cub) and put her behind me. The bears would have chased her (it was bad enough she had our lunch in her backpack) because they can't help but chase potential prey carrying desert on her back.
Back to the drama.... Had we not stopped to communicate with the Ivory Billed Woodpecker, we would have crossed right in front of her cubs and it would have been ON AND POPPIN). Anyway, we stood still as the cubs passed in front of us - probably 10 yards away. I had just read that I was supposed to make a bunch of noise, wave my arms and look as large as possible if we encounter a bear. However, the cubs barely acknowledged us so we just stood quietly watched them pass. This plan seemed to be working UNTIL the mother bear passed in front of us - she stopped about 5 -10 yards away from us and took a few steps towards us.. Now, not that I am some macho bad-ass, but, until that moment, I didn't feel an ounce of fear (all I was thinking about was keeping my wife safe). When that momma bear took her steps towards us and I suddenly realized how much danger we were in, my legs went cold. I was trying to think if I could hold off this bear long enough for my wife to get away (we had just watched Grizzly Man and I kept reminding myself that this wasn't a grizzly and that I might walk away from this fight - silly, right?). Obviously, the momma bear decided that I wasn't much of a threat and went back to her cubs. The joke for me has been that she stepped towards me so I wouldn't go home and tell folks that I "punked" a bear - she simply needed to check me! Consider me checked.
So, what does this have to do with a raccoon? Here is the first hint into how my crazy brain works.. Immediately after our encounter, it hit me that that bear could have really hurt us and I kept thinking about the "damage" I have seen angry/cornered raccoons do over the years and it struck me that the bear could have done much much worse. I am not implying that a bear is just a big, bad raccoon but they are playing the same game - sort of like a little league slugger and Barry Bonds both play baseball.
Do I need to buy a big knife and a slingshot? Or should I just call LA animal control-- wait, they don't do house calls anymore...
