Someone once said that death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies or what we allow to die inside of us while we live.
The last time I wrote a letter/s, it was as if I stabbed and broke my own heart. I pursued that person to the best of my ability and wrote so many letters that it probably drove her away.
Now, one of the few persons that I have confided this to and also the person that became the apple of my eye has found me unwanting. And now I realized that I never wrote to you anything, so here goes.
"All I want.
I'm not asking for a grand declaration of love. I've stopped entertaining those thoughts long ago. You see, I have resigned myself to where I am now, hanging by a thin, tenuous thread. I can feel it twisting above me, gently fraying, slowly giving way. I'm not asking for promises or tenure - I just want a hand to reach for at the breaking point." - Lang Leav
I wanted you more that anyone else, but I am sorry if I drove you away. You are amazing, funny, intelligent and hardworking, sweet and let's add sexy there as well.
Since I was a noob a human relations, you were still patient with me. I think you are the closest person that I have allowed to get this close to me. I let you look deep into my soul like no one else ever did.
Except, you never loved me. A 'Like' is not love I suppose. You found me special..but I guess I wasn't good enough. You told me I was awesome, I accepted it. No one has told me that with full sincerity except you.
But I just can't help but think, if I'm that AWESOME, how come I was still not good enough?
Right there the person who I was trying no-to-be popped right in at the back of my head and whispered.. "what's with the self-defeating statement?" I just ignored that insensitive part of me which I am trying to change.
But then you said that you regretted your action..Could it be a glimmer of hope? Is there still a chance?
That old part of me answered.. NO!
I again realized something, something I forgot, I lost in the process of trying to change myself. I used to hate being pitied. Which led me to my current numb state.
I liken this to an ability in a manhwa I read called "The Gamer". It seemed my "Gamer's Mind" was reactivated which allowed me to calmly assess the situation.
You may have regretted the act but not to the point of reversing the decision. And offering something to make me feel better was that thing called 'Pity' --I thought.
But it doesn't mean I am totally immune from my painful, slow, creeping, lingering thoughts for days, weeks on -- and now it's been a month.
Memories followed me before I sleep or sometimes in dreams as if it was a ghost. And I shatter into little pieces not because of you but because of me, my limitations and short comings.
Life is complicated, yours included. I cannot possibly compete with time and emotions you have invested into your former lover. Even if you spitefully declared that was a waste of time. But since you have made the decision to return together, that despite not seeing or talking all that time when we were engaged in our own human relations, all it took was one conversation for "closure" since you never had one and that's when I shattered on the inside without showing it to you -- that I stood absolutely no chance when you said "you felt something again".
Perhaps you are right, I had bad timing. I guess I am an expert at that already. "If only I came earlier." But that's okay, it is not your fault no need to feel bad about it. And if you are worried that I will go into self pity, no worries I say unto thee. I also remembered that before you came along I was already used to this. Ahh! This is definitely a very familiar feeling and state. it's just that I forgot how this felt when I was with you.
But I am glad that I still met you for you changed me. More that those that came before.
Go on, live your life of bliss. Do not worry about me. I am content in picking up my broken pieces, and I'm going to be busy with some stitches on myself.
For I tend to forget that I am an expert at this emotion, feelings, state of numbness-- after all.
But still, I want to Thank you for everything. :)
Reflection on my own thoughts:
Most losses due to choice or circumstance in this world are probably due to lack of ability. I want to curse my gift and my own weaknesses.
For the past 5 years or so, I have been in a cycle of self destruction and creation. Every year I try to reflect, change, grow into someone much better. Simply put, to become more than what I currently am. But there is a limit, the skill, the personality or attitude change that I add, something must be subtracted. To gain something, I must also lose something.
"Deep, unspeakable suffering may well be called a baptism, a regeneration, the initiation into a new state." - Ira Gershwin
This cycle, I do not for anyone but for myself since I used to be obsessed with self improvement. Or it could be that I am forced to do so. To not be vulnerable, to be stronger, to be better.
But I realize now that you don't completely lose something, may it be an old behavior or tendency, it's still there. Most especially if it is "the feelings" which can be triggered by a song, a quote or a phrase. These simply become memories.
It is a way of holding onto the things you love, the things you are, were and the the things you never want to lose. In a way, memories are like our own treasures that no one can take away from us.
It is just sad that I think about you all the time, even when I have so much to worry about. Even the late hours of the night you're always on my mind. But eventually this too shall become a memory, a memory that I used to do, because you know deep in your heart that the person you are thinking about isn't at all thinking about you.
Lately, I also seem to be sleeping rather late or early, or at dawn. It's the type of insomnia that doesn't make you feel tired the next day because you are too damn numb to feel anything. Or maybe I'm just tired all the time that I am in a state that being tired isn't a temporary feeling for me anymore. At this point it has become part of my personality I suppose.
Time has a wonderful way of showing us what really matters.
This is what I realized after joining more than 5 Christmas Parties already and after the YMA Alumni gathering just recently. All through our life, I guess there is something that always feels sad at the bottom of one's heart. And we will be unable to get rid of it, nor even fully understand it. But life still goes one - - it has too, and you have to.
"To hold on to the past always creates suffering, even if it was wondeful." - Teal Scott
"The sad thing is, the moment you start to miss someone, you know they're already gone." - Lang Leav
Photo Source: Screen Capture of "The Engineer" in the Movie Prometheus