Ok, so now having been through the Worst year of my life and on somewhat of a continuum from mediocre to worst still as a daily measure now. I thought that I made a life changing decision when I decided to get on the Sub, no other method worked for me. Not that I tried anything other than trying myself but still, I tried many ways myself. I have no desire to do anything I was doing before but im finding out now that even with a slow taper and going all the way down to crumbs... Im going to go through hell for at least a month to two months. Now I knew that there would be WDs with the sub and that was one of my reasonings for not going on it right away when I first heard of it...

As time went on, and at the same time it became apparent as I was losing everything that nothing was working as far as getting off, I still never really thought about going on it. Knowing what the WDs were for what I was already going through were enough to scare me away from just substituting. I finally heard of someone who had a habit close to me that took the sub for a week to get away from the other chain and was able to quit with no problem. Still not having really done alot of my own research I didnt really give any thought to the problem of RIDICULOUSLY LONG HALF LIFE. The combination of knowing someone who was able to jump off with no problem and knowing that this was my final chance for a lot of things, most importantly saving some shred of dignity (not sure I have accomplished that) I finally called the doc an made the appt as you know from previous posts. Now after having done alot more reasearch I realize that this could have been an even bigger mistake and now, when I really have no support as far as anyone being around or really having anyone to talk to, this may be the worst part of this horrific trip i've been on.

I planned right away to do less than what the doc prescribed and pretty much taper after a week. Still not fully comprehending how long the half life was, never actually having heard anyone give an exact number or range. I planned for only a week and ended up being on it for more like a week and a half to two weeks. I jumped off at I think a quarter of the 8mg so like 2 mg... I had no problem it seemed, I was still on the klonopin prescribed by the same doc. Also the greens.. thats it. The first few days were ok and then it seemed looking back that I just started to lose a little more energy and gain a little more restlessness every day. One day I was on the roof deck with a smoke and as I walked back into the house I realized I forgot something out where I was sitting. Literally I didn't think I would have the energy to walk back out to get it. I did due to the possibility of inclement weather, which is always a possibility here, but it took a ton of effort. By the time I got downstairs I crashed on the couch and felt like I couldn't breathe, giving myself a little panic attack. It passed eventually but that general feeling of exhaustion was always there and seemed to be getting worse. My anxiety was getting worse at the same time and being on my own that alone was/is terrifying. Sleep was difficult, I started taking advil PM but thought the antihistamine was messing with my legs which seemed to be getting worse. They generally ached and had that vaguely restless feeling that I have felt much worse but know so well. Not to mention depression and total lack of motivation, most likely related to my inability to sleep or get off the couch. If I had someone here a lot of things would be helped like the anxiety and depression and I would be forced to get off the couch (shred of dignity thing). Being completely isolated is definetly not a good idea when attempting a WD from anything or thereafter for that matter. Having some kind of constant support physically around, at least through the first 30-60 days I think is essential for moral support and general help when you cant pick yourself up off the floor. Not that its realistic just what I think is very important, personally.

Back to my point, if I have one.. So finally got to the no sleeping point and that too im sure contributed to the exhaustion. I was probably at two weeks at this point and then realized it may be the sub... I took a quarter and my hunch was right. My legs quieted down completely, the anxiety abated, I actually had some energy and motivation to get something important done. Most importantly, I was able to sleep with relative ease. I still didnt really attribute anything to sub WD, I thought I just stopped to soon and didnt give myself enough time to cleanse myself. Little did I know it was the opposite and it was the sub that stayed there forever.

Anyway this led me to do research about people getting off sub in earnst and thats when I learned of the ridiculous half life and the likliehood I had progressively felt like crap. Sub can stay in your system for up to 11 days and while you are WD during that period you really dont start a complete WD until possibly up till 11 days. That being said there are factors that lengthen or shorten that period and possibly severity of WD. Most of what I am reading about these incredibly long WD periods is from long time users, like two years or more. There is very little on those who were on sub for short periods. Plus there is a difference between suboxone and subutex that im sure makes a difference in time period too. I dont know if im on the good or bad side of that. Everyone had symptoms similar to mine and im sure would have only gotten more similar had I not reset that clock. So even though I was only on it for a limited amount of time, I know this is going to be a rotten WD. Im hoping that because I know what im going through this time and I was on it for such a short period of time, I will only have a couple weeks of hell before I start to feel better. From what I experienced and have experienced the WD is still nowhere near as bad as it could have been with the other, it just lasts forever. Im not sure whats worse now, the short period of severe hell I would have been in stopping the other or what im going through now with this. At least I knew what to expect for the most part with the other, this comes and goes after an acute period for who knows how long. Every individual is truly different with this, whereas most people know the length of time for the worst and be able to measure feeling better in days and not weeks like I am reading about sub. A week seems like an eternity, especially alone and having nothing going on, I cant imagine measuring 5-10% increments of feeling better by weeks and not days. Thats just one persons estimate and story but I like to prepare for the worst if I can so im just gonna take it as the baseline.

The worst part is that the stigma for me is still attached even with the sub which was another reason for jumping off so soon. What seemed like the solution, seems to me, and echoed by many others, may have just put off the solution. So I can only hope that I will be on the shorter and less severe end of this and do what I can to ease what I can. Im just waiting for the worst to start, probably not the best mindset but knowing how long this can take I know there is worse to come. I just want to come through this... I just want an end to this hell that has been my life for the last 1.5 years and generally the anxious depressed person ive been for the last 4 years.