I have this image of who I would be if I weren't Mormon.

This is slightly funny to me because being Mormon is so much of my identity.

I'd start my day with a Starbucks coffee...probably one of those fattening ones that I shouldn't drink, like a salted carmel white mocha or something.

I'd wear something trendy but tasteful...my arms might show, or my legs (you know, above the knee), or maybe even some cleavage (heaven knows I have plenty).

I'd come home from work and have a glass of red wine with dinner.

On special occasions, I'd probably have a fruity mixed drink of some kind...like Vegas or cruises.

I'd go to brunch on Sunday mornings.  And the Farmer's Market.  Or the movies.

I'd get in shape and show off my toned self (as opposed to getting in shape and not showing off my toned self).

I think that's all that would really change.  I'd still pray.  I'd still believe in God.  I'd still focus on my family.  I'd just dress a little differently, drink my caffeine a little differently (i.e. hotter), and partake of alcohol moderately.

If you ask most Mormons, these would be HUGE changes that would lead me off the path of righteousness.

And yet I've just described the average Christian who loves God, is a good person, and may be more spiritual than the average Mormon.

Sometimes I think about becoming this person.  But when you've been someone else for 32 years, that's not an easy thing to do.  When you hold dear the doctrine of your faith, that's not an easy thing to do.  And yet, at the same time, I think this person is already a part of me.  It's just a part I haven't lived yet.

I was not a rebellious child, teenager, or young adult.  I swore occasionally, and I liked short shorts (I still do, I just don't wear them!).  And I had a smart mouth.  That's it.

I didn't drink, or smoke, or fool around.  I didn't sneak out.  I didn't do things that went against the standards of the LDS church or what my parents expected of me.  I made excellent grades.

I was pretty much the perfect child.

To become this person I imagine would mean not being the perfect child any more.  It would mean letting down some of the people who love me most.  Oh, I know they would still love me.  I have no doubt of that.  But there would be hurt and disappointment.  And perhaps a lack of understanding.

Sometimes I wonder if they are the reasons I stay.  Is it my need to not disappoint people that keeps me here straddling this line of indecision?  Or is it me and my testimony?  Or is it my fear of messing up and having to repent and everyone knowing about it?

I feel like I'm at a point where I could go either way.  But I'm desperately holding on to what I know, what is comfortable and somewhat safe, until I can make a decision one way or the other.

I'm not living authentically, because I don't know who I am right now, other than a wife, mother, daughter, and friend.

I feel like that teenager who is trying to figure out who they are and who they want to be.  But I am restricted by who I was and who I think I should be as well as who I think I might like to be.  It all conflicts.