I have been thinking about congruence a lot lately.  It's a topic that comes up a lot in the class I teach on interviewing skills (it's one of the core skills in the client-centered/person-centered approach to interviewing/counseling).  Being the introspective person that I am, I tend to focus on topics like these whenever they become more present in my daily life.

I have decided that I have been struggling with incongruence lately.  My thoughts, feelings, and behaviors haven't matched with who I think I am/should be.  This has been a constant source of conflict for me, which has been physically, emotionally, and spiritually draining.

The older I have gotten, the more I have interacted with others and learned their stories, and the more I have experienced, I've realized that life is more gray than I ever realized before.  Growing up in the LDS faith, things are taught as very black and white.  And perhaps the gospel IS black and white, but life is very gray.

Over the past couple of years, I have been struggling with a crisis of faith.  This has been really challenging for me.  As a child, we were never super active in church.  It wasn't until my teens that things changed.  I found a place at church, gained my testimony of the gospel, and learned without a shadow of a doubt that I am a daughter of God.  These things shaped my identity as a woman, a Mormon, and a person in general.

Moving back to Utah has been an interesting experience.  Since I have been here (2010), I have yet to find a place in either of the wards I have lived in.  I never felt at home in my single's ward, and I have struggled to find my place in my family ward.  I have come to realize just how a big a role a sense of community plays in one's faith, even though it shouldn't.

Without feeling at home, and with my struggle with anxiety, going to church weekly has become a huge effort for me.  It's a battle each week to see if my desire to go will beat out my desire to hide in my house.  The weather and the time of the month play into this decision as well, since my anxiety worsens in the winter and during the last two weeks of my cycle.  In addition, working full time and teaching leaves little time to get my house in order, which leads to a) a sense of being overwhelmed by chaos, and b) the desire to spend what days I have off focused on getting my house back in order, both of which have played a part in my desire to attend church.

I have found that my anxiety is less when attending Sacrament Meeting and Sunday School, as long as Nathan is with me.  Relief Society frequently takes everything I have to get me stay, despite the friendliness of the women there.

I don't have a calling (we did have a calling as Youth Sunday School teachers...we were released because they were combining the classes...which I later found out didn't happen....still struggling not to take it personally), so I don't have to stay after sacrament.  I don't have to be at church.  And honestly, I don't really think anyone notices that we aren't there.

I have also struggled with the Church's stance on gay marriage and the way that women are treated within the culture of the Church.  I am for gay marriage.  I am for equal treatment of women (although I don't personally care about receiving the Priesthood, I think those that do have valid arguments).  I have become aware of injustices within the culture of the Church, which frequently seems to get confused with doctrine, and being made aware of these things makes it difficult to go back to the black and white world where it was simple to accept things as okay simply because a leader said so.  As a result, it has become challenging to separate doctrine from culture where Church activity is concerned.

These are the things that have circling around in my mind for a really long time.  And I haven't been blogging about it because I was afraid to process it publicly.  I've only really processed it with Nathan, who has his own concerns.  This has been a huge factor in my feeling incongruent.  In the past, I haven't shied away from discussing things that are difficult.  This has been different though because the majority of my circle is LDS--active LDS people who a) don't have the same concerns, b) still experience the black and white of the Church, or c) have found peace with these issues.

I needed to process it safely, without well-meaning judgment from others.  And I haven't felt like I could do this.

But this weekend, I decided that it didn't matter anymore.  I need congruence.  And in order to get it, I need to be open and honest about my struggles, simply because that is where I am in life right now.

I know who I want to be and what I want to believe.  I don't have doubts about the doctrine of the Church as I understand it, but I do have some serious concerns about the culture of the Church.

I miss feeling like my ward is a part of my family.  But I haven't been able to connect with my ward the way that I want to.

I miss having a calling...I miss teaching especially.  I miss the Spirit that comes as I learn and teach gospel truths.

I miss the black and white.  Life was so much easier before things became gray.

I don't know how to reconcile the truth of the doctrine with the problems of the culture.  I try.  I read books about by LDS authors about the issues I struggle with, I read blogs about the other side of the issue (by both active and non-active LDS individuals), I talk about it with Nathan, I pray, I cry, I go to Church when I can, I listen to and read talks.  I step away and then I come back.  I make a decision to be active despite my concerns and I feel peace.  I make a decision to step back from the Church and I feel peace.  And I am conflicted by the peace that comes with both decisions, because it never lasts.

I know the Church answers.  Pray, read your scriptures, go to Church, live the gospel and eventually the peace will come when you just listen to the Prophet and Apostles and do what they say.

I know the World's answers.  Equality.

And I believe them both.