Well! I am still alive. Still here. Though alot in my little world has changed. I have a few friends who are now blogging and I guess since I always enjoyed "putting myself out there" I thought I'd open this old blogspot up again and just update on whats new and exciting.
The last you heard from me I had packed up my life into my little cavalier and moved from the big city to a small town for 2 reasons. I wanted a change in scenary and I was offered an AMAZING job. And there was someone there that I wanted to persue a long term relationship with. I guess I was also tired of the big city and wanted to "spread my wings" and adventure on my own..
One month of being my new town I recieved a phone call telling me I had cancer. This rocked my world and litterally turned it upside down. (My cancer journey will wait for another post however)
I was living in my new town 3 weeks. 3 weeks was what it took for my girlfriend to show her true colors. 3 weeks. She got disgustingly drunk. She threw one hit. I deflected it- but then I took two more hits to my collar bone and was thrown across the room. The doctors verdict was a broken rib with a bruised collar bone. This was the first of many times I would be abused physically-mentally-emotionally-and spiritually...Unfortunately I cant tell you I did what all us girls are taught... "When someone hurts you- you leave". I was stupid. I believed her each time she told me she would change. I trusted her when she told me she loved me. I believed her when she told me my parents didnt really care as much as she did. And I believed her each time she told me I was fat, ugly, stupid and no one would ever want to be my friend- let alone date me.
I stayed in that relationship for 3 long years. I stayed with her- and I did what she said when she told me to have my chemotherapy in the city close to our town rather than in my home city where my family was. I underwent chemo alone mostly while she then had a "week free of me". She made up lies to my friends, to her friends- about what a terrible person I was. And even though the police were called to our apartment and house several times due to HER being domestically violent on me... she always turned the story around to her friends.. and even though I was sick in bed with sevre vommiting and stomache issues from chemo- she convinced them I was just a "lying alcoholic".
She convinced me of alot of things too. That I wasnt worth it. That I wasnt good enough to work at the daycare I called home for 2 years. That the people I considered my friends werent really my friends and only felt sorry for me because I was stupid.
My last year in the town I learnt to call home I honestly became a hermit. When I would make plans with a friend I was then made by her to feel like I was wrong to have gone for brunch. Or gone to for a walk. I was made to feel like I needed to ask permission.
My last few months in my apartment were hell-ish to say the least. The police were called several times due to her drinking and violence on me. The police in the town were idiots and I say this because THEY KNEW DAMN WELL SHE WAS HITTING ME AND THAT IT WAS INCREASED WHEN SHE WAS DRUNK BUT THEY WOULD CALL MY CELL PHONE AT 2AM AND BRING HER BACK TO MY APARTMENT BECAUSE SHE WAS TOO DRUNK TO BE IN PUBLIC. When I would refuse to allow her in the said they would take me in to custody which I didnt want- so I would again endure her drunk slurs, name calling, threats, belitting and so much more hurt that my heart couldnt take it.
Several times while sober even she would tell me that she was no sexually attracted to me. I would beg her to hold me at night while she said I had gained weight. I was not the same as I was before I had steriods pumped into my body during treatment. She said I wasnt feminine enough with my new chemo hair- and when I had weaves she said they looked fake and I looked stupid. I tried everything to make her see me as she did before... I think now- looking back I did that because I thought it was my fault for making her angry. And if only I could loose the weight and be my "old" self she'd start loving me again...But again.. now I look back and see it started just a week before I was diagnosed..
We had mutually broken up. Because I wasnt what she wanted in a girlfriend. I wanted a house and babies and marriage. She wanted booze, drugs, and partying til 6am and not coming home to me.
Eventually I finally facebook msged a friends mother and I asked her for prayer. I told her I needed strength because I was planning on leaving in the middle of the night to avoid fighting and confrontation. I packed my clothing into a duffle back and I left.
I cried the whole drive. Pulling over a few times because I was crying so hard. But in all honesty. They were tears of happiness. Happiness that I was finally free. I was finally leaving. I was finally able to see MY EYES in the mirrior and caught a glimse of the girl I was before.
The last you heard from me I had packed up my life into my little cavalier and moved from the big city to a small town for 2 reasons. I wanted a change in scenary and I was offered an AMAZING job. And there was someone there that I wanted to persue a long term relationship with. I guess I was also tired of the big city and wanted to "spread my wings" and adventure on my own..
One month of being my new town I recieved a phone call telling me I had cancer. This rocked my world and litterally turned it upside down. (My cancer journey will wait for another post however)
I was living in my new town 3 weeks. 3 weeks was what it took for my girlfriend to show her true colors. 3 weeks. She got disgustingly drunk. She threw one hit. I deflected it- but then I took two more hits to my collar bone and was thrown across the room. The doctors verdict was a broken rib with a bruised collar bone. This was the first of many times I would be abused physically-mentally-emotionally-and spiritually...Unfortunately I cant tell you I did what all us girls are taught... "When someone hurts you- you leave". I was stupid. I believed her each time she told me she would change. I trusted her when she told me she loved me. I believed her when she told me my parents didnt really care as much as she did. And I believed her each time she told me I was fat, ugly, stupid and no one would ever want to be my friend- let alone date me.
I stayed in that relationship for 3 long years. I stayed with her- and I did what she said when she told me to have my chemotherapy in the city close to our town rather than in my home city where my family was. I underwent chemo alone mostly while she then had a "week free of me". She made up lies to my friends, to her friends- about what a terrible person I was. And even though the police were called to our apartment and house several times due to HER being domestically violent on me... she always turned the story around to her friends.. and even though I was sick in bed with sevre vommiting and stomache issues from chemo- she convinced them I was just a "lying alcoholic".
She convinced me of alot of things too. That I wasnt worth it. That I wasnt good enough to work at the daycare I called home for 2 years. That the people I considered my friends werent really my friends and only felt sorry for me because I was stupid.
My last year in the town I learnt to call home I honestly became a hermit. When I would make plans with a friend I was then made by her to feel like I was wrong to have gone for brunch. Or gone to for a walk. I was made to feel like I needed to ask permission.
My last few months in my apartment were hell-ish to say the least. The police were called several times due to her drinking and violence on me. The police in the town were idiots and I say this because THEY KNEW DAMN WELL SHE WAS HITTING ME AND THAT IT WAS INCREASED WHEN SHE WAS DRUNK BUT THEY WOULD CALL MY CELL PHONE AT 2AM AND BRING HER BACK TO MY APARTMENT BECAUSE SHE WAS TOO DRUNK TO BE IN PUBLIC. When I would refuse to allow her in the said they would take me in to custody which I didnt want- so I would again endure her drunk slurs, name calling, threats, belitting and so much more hurt that my heart couldnt take it.
Several times while sober even she would tell me that she was no sexually attracted to me. I would beg her to hold me at night while she said I had gained weight. I was not the same as I was before I had steriods pumped into my body during treatment. She said I wasnt feminine enough with my new chemo hair- and when I had weaves she said they looked fake and I looked stupid. I tried everything to make her see me as she did before... I think now- looking back I did that because I thought it was my fault for making her angry. And if only I could loose the weight and be my "old" self she'd start loving me again...But again.. now I look back and see it started just a week before I was diagnosed..
We had mutually broken up. Because I wasnt what she wanted in a girlfriend. I wanted a house and babies and marriage. She wanted booze, drugs, and partying til 6am and not coming home to me.
Eventually I finally facebook msged a friends mother and I asked her for prayer. I told her I needed strength because I was planning on leaving in the middle of the night to avoid fighting and confrontation. I packed my clothing into a duffle back and I left.
I cried the whole drive. Pulling over a few times because I was crying so hard. But in all honesty. They were tears of happiness. Happiness that I was finally free. I was finally leaving. I was finally able to see MY EYES in the mirrior and caught a glimse of the girl I was before.
