I've never been a big fan of crude Humor, save for a few hilariously funny movie scenes (Dumb and Dumber) or snippets from novels (Grapes of Wrath). In general I find toilet humor or sexual humor to just be stupid. I think it's because it's all been recycled a little too much. Plus, I'm kind of a snob, anyway.

So translate my mild disgust with, uh, natural urges to real life. I hate all the noises associated with bodily functions, my own and especially other people's. I'm not talking about sex noises. That's a whole 'nother realm altogether which is more of a...keep it on the DL issue. I mean that I hate when people's bodies make telltale noises that say something's just not right in here. When someone has a chronic cough or throat clearing issues, I'm often thinking, "God, can't you do that somewhere else?" Pretty snotty, right? Don't get me started on things that people can control like chewing loudly with open mouths. Eeewwww.

I think my mom sort of fostered this sensitivity to noises because she was always, always making a big deal about manners, particularly table manners. Over time, I myself became accutely aware of all the sounds of impolite eating. Now I can't even stand when people drink too fast and you can here glugging and liquid traversing the esophagus. I often point out to those closest to me when their noises are putting me off (you know, when they're horrendously ill, suffering from allergies or in need of the Heimlich Maneuver). I displayed my full caretaking capacities this very night when I sent a sick family member off to fend for himself because I couldn't take his sinus' soliloquy anymore. I'm a nurturer, can't you tell?

Funny how instincts work, though, my daughter's noises never bother me. In fact, I find them all endearing. But one day I'm sure I'll get my come uppance, as they say, when this same girl will be nauseated by the wiggling of my dentures and the tap-tap of my cane when I come over to her house for Thanksgiving dinner in 2050.