Some days are good, some days are really bad and others are a mixture of both. Last Sunday was definitely a mixture of both, the problem with Panic Attacks is you really have no idea when they are going to hit, which can make things really, really hard. I was feeling rather positive when I woke up, and it didn't even take me the usual ten minutes to convince myself to get out of bed either. After serving my mission Sunday has definitely become one of the highlights of my week, and I was excited for church. The first hour went really well, wasn't anxious at all which was a big victory because usually I am super anxious during church, why I don't really know, but it's something that usually happens. So second hours rolls around and I think everything is fine until about ten minutes before the second class ends. And that is when the "fun" started, I thought about going home early but I was bound and determined to go to Relief Society (the third hour of church) so I went and instantly regretted it. For me when my panic attacks hit they start gradual and sometimes I can manage to get them to go away, still working on finding coping mechanisms that work, and other times they hit hard. And this was one of those times, again a small part of me was super determined to stay and so I did. When I have panic attacks all ability to focus goes out the window, I know the lesson was something about Temples but I couldn't tell you a single detail from the lesson no matter how hard I try because I have a hard time focusing on anything during and a bit after a panic attack. I also hyperventilate a lot, which apparently is not good for you either from what I have been told. Again it's really hard to find a method to help manage them that works because everyone is so different so what works for one person to help during those times might not work for another and I'm realizing that very quickly. It is so incredibly frustrating, incredibly frustrating. Right now they only thing I have found that really works for me (hopefully that will change with lots of practice with different techniques over time!) is sleep, lots and lots of sleep. However when you are sitting in the middle of church sleep isn't really exactly an option. But I made it through. I got to my car and rested my head on the steering wheel and just allowed myself to breathe for like five minutes, not even caring that people walking by probably thought I was weird. Driving home though, I was so proud of myself. It was definitely one of those tiny victories, I managed to stay for all three hours of church even though for a portion of it I thought I definitely was going to have to go home and take a nap. It's hard sometimes, extremely extremely hard. I don't enjoy having this problem at all, and what makes it hard is you can't really visualize progress. With a scab you can watch it heal until it falls off but where I am right now with my mental illness it is a lot of touch and go. I journal like crazy though, trying to outline as much of everyday as I possibly can so as the days go by I can check my progress. It's been hard, and I struggle with having hope for the future but I just cling to what my mission companion said, "Everything will be okay in the end, and if it's not okay it's not the end." Remember for those of you who are struggling with this, or know someone who is, you are not alone. Our Savior knows what you are going through, and he will never leave you to go through this alone.
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