I've tried sharing what happened to me on my Mission the most I could but there have been somethings that I haven't known how to really share, how to really talk about. The church just put out a brand new Mormon Message today and as I finished watching it I was in tears because finally the words were there. The words were there to really share what I felt and what I had experienced.
(I do not own this video, it was copyrighted by the LDS Church)
As I've said before in my blog the first transfer of my mission was a whole mess of confusion. I Loved every single second of my mission, I absolutely adored New York but my mind seemed to have other ideas... I remember driving back from the Hill Cumorah with my companion (she was the one driving) and just digging my finger nails into my right thumb as hard as I could to prevent the tears from coming. I did this every day, over and over again. I was so confused why I wanted to cry over nothing, literally nothing. I look at my right thumb sometimes and wonder how there isn't a mark, a scar something to show a daily occurrence over a month but there is nothing. For that I am grateful.
As someone who know many people that went through mental illness, and are still going through it I didn't think it would ever happen to me. It honestly didn't cross my mind. I thought that there was something wrong with me, like somehow I wasn't working hard enough and because of that I was having such a hard time. I was in complete denial, I didn't want to talk to my companion about it because I was convinced I was just being a wimp. I even lied to myself, I look back at my journal entries and wrote absolutely nothing. Nothing. I didn't want to believe the very obvious hints that were stacking up around me. So like I said before I started working harder and that's when the world came crashing down around me...
I remember after my diagnosis of Depression and Anxiety on June 13 of this year there was relief, relief that there was something wrong and that I wasn't going crazy. However the anger came to. All my life I had been told if I just prayed hard, hoped and prayed and did the best I could that things would work out. I was doing those things and... it wasn't working out. I was a train wreck.
(I am so incredibly grateful for my mission companions. Hermana Mackenzie Tucker, Hermana Morgan Casper and Sister Hannah Moore. You three are incredible you truly are, its going to be a couple of months until Hermana Tucker can read this but Hermana Casper and Sister Moore are home now. I just want to say thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you for all helping me in ways that only you could. Love you three so much! )
It was during this time that I started my Quote Book of Mormon. I started writing down quotes about trials pretty much anything and everything that I could find. That is when I found this quote, I don't know who it's by I didn't write it down but it says, "God loves us so much more than he Loves our Happiness." I have loved that quote so much because my perspective changed it went from why is God letting this happen to me when I am doing the best I can to, God loved me enough to let me go through this. I wrote down this quote (in the image) on June 24th and it is one that has gotten me through a lot. And I can testify that it is true.
Its a struggle, I am not a 100% and I've realized that this is probably going to be with me for the rest of my life. But I'm not afraid anymore because I have realized that I am loved. So incredibly loved. Heavenly Father knows exactly what each and every single one of us needs for our eternal salvation. He does. It's not easy, and it's not simple but it's worth it.
